“Do You Wanna Eat It?”

“Do you wanna eat it?”

That’s what my husband heard when we drove through the McDonald’s and he ordered a Danish shortly after we moved to the Ozarks several years ago.

He looked at me and said, “What’s she talking about? Of course I want to eat it.”

I shook my head and laughed. “That’s not what she’s asking.” Even though we had lived in the northern U.S. for much of our married life to that point, I am a native of the Missouri Ozarks so I understood what she was saying.

“She wants to know if you want it heated,” I responded to my Michigan-born husband.

“Oh,” he said. “Sure, warm it up.”

I thought about this brief interaction when I was considering the problems many men have when they’re trying to figure out how to have a great relationship with a woman they love. They hear her deliver a message, but miss her meaning. They’re both speaking the same language, but what they understand the other to say and mean is often quite different. I know this because I’m a woman. I know this because I’m a wife. I know this because I’m a therapist who has spent the last 25 years working with couples, leading workshops and doing therapy. A lot is, as they say, “lost in translation.”

Just for fun, I thought I might take a stab at talking about relationships in language or analogies familiar to many men. Since I’m not a man and I don’t even play one on TV, I may not get everything just right. Feel free to offer feedback and expertise. At the same time, I did grow up on a farm and spent eight years in 4-H. I've lived in Springfield, Missouri--the home of Bass Pro and O'Reilly Auto Parts for almost 16 years. 

I have eaten lots of fresh fish and wild game provided by my dad who was an avid fisherman and hunter. I’m married to someone who might have been Tim-the-Toolman-Taylor’s little brother. With this foundation—and the fact that we moved into our present home partly because it had a much larger wood shop for my Main Man to putter around in—I’ll move forward.

In the coming weeks I’ll be aiming my comments at men, helping them think about things like how to find and keep a good woman, how to know what women think and want (at least part of the time), how to fix problems in your relationship, and how to keep your love strong for the long haul.

If you’re a woman reading this, I hope you’ll get feedback from a man you know and love as to the helpfulness of this “translation.” I'd appreciate the help. If you’re a man, I’d like to know what you think.

Bridging the gap,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

What Penguins Can Teach Us About Love

The period between February 7-14 has been celebrated as National Marriage Week for some time now. It's an effort to focus attention on the importance of healthy marriage to the well-being of adults, kids and communities. Individual couples may celebrate their independent wedding anniversary, but this national emphasis is about recognizing the importance of healthy marriage to all of us--married or unmarried. 

I was reminded of this recently while watching a documentary about Emperor Penguins in Antarctica. 

Did you know they are the only creature to spend their entire lives in that region--other species migrate away when the temperatures drop to a much as -112°in their winter. 
These creatures may look cute and cuddly in photographs and at the zoo, but they are truly masters of survival. 

How do they do it? That's where we humans need to take a few notes and apply what we've learned to our own lives.

First and foremost, penguins are monogamous. Once they mate, they stick with each other for the benefit of their chick. If they didn't the species would die out. Here's how it works.

The mother penguin carries the egg until it hatches. At that point, she is physically depleted so she heads for open water to feed and replenish her body fat while the father penguin takes over the care of the chick, carefully protecting it in a specially designed pouch. There he shelters the new chick, feeding and nurturing it from his own reserves while his mate is out to sea--literally--rebuilding herself.

At just the right moment, the mother penguin returns traveling up to three kilometers over frozen terrain to feed the chick from regurgitated fish. Her return is critical because by the time she gets back to her mate and their chick, the father is famished and has only enough strength to make his own journey to the sea for sustenance. 

Over the next few weeks, the mother and father penguin journey back and forth to feed the chick that is growing rapidly and demanding more food. Should either the mother or the father fail to return to help the other, their chick will die. That's all there is to it. Without both parents, a baby penguin has no chance at all. Working together against overwhelming odds in the harshest of circumstances, hundreds of thousands of penguins survive and thrive to continue their own kind.

But there's another thing about penguins that is so remarkable, namely, the way they live in communities and help each other. When the mother penguin is gone and the father penguin is protecting his offspring, the penguins huddle together in groups to combat the extreme wind and cold. The amazing thing is the way they share shelter with each other as the birds on the outside of the huddle gradually exchange places with the birds on the inside rotating out. All birds are allowed to share the warmth of each other, with each taking turns sheltering and being sheltered.

Why can't we be as smart as the Emperor penguin?

Sure, our children don't necessarily die if a father is not present in their lives, but many fail to flourish. As a mental health professional and the Director of a Community Mental Health Clinic, I can assure you that a child without both parents to care for him or her is at risk for a multitude of poor outcomes. This has been repeatedly confirmed by numerous studies from renown institutions and researchers. While it's true that some single parents do an exceptional job and we can point to talented and successful people raised by single parents, these are often the exception rather than the rule because it's much more difficult to go it alone. Study after study will tell you, taken as a group they simply don't do as well.

That's why we need to celebrate and recognize the one institution, marriage, primarily responsible for giving children a safe, secure and stable environment in which to grow up. We might also recognize the communities that support these kinds of healthy, committed relationships. Family Expectations in Oklahoma City, OK (www.familiesok.org) is one such organization. First Things First (www.firstthings.org) in Chattanooga, TN is another. Many faith communities can also make the same claim.

In the words of Lori Borgman , "From a child's perspective, there is something mysteriously empowering about a wedding picture in a frame sitting on a shelf, the occasional envelope that comes addressed to Mr. and Mrs. and that crazy snoring at the end of the hall. It makes a kid feel stronger, smarter and taller. Marriage creates a safety net, visible and invisible" (www.loriborgman.com).

Valentine's Day is this coming Friday. I hope you'll celebrate it in style with the one you love most, especially if you're married or intending to be. If you're not, I hope you'll send a special valentine to a couple you know who you see as a good example of all that committed love can mean to our kids and our communities. Maybe you could even find a card with a penguin on it.

Thinking warm thoughts about love and marriage,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Experimenting with Cues

Coffee and a ___________

Pizza and _____________

Chips and _____________

How would you complete the phrases above? When you think of coffee, do you automatically pair it with a doughnut, a cookie or a cigarette? These are common things people associate with drinking a cup of coffee. How about pizza? Is it pizza and beer for you? Diet Coke? Pepsi? How about chips? Do you eat them plain or prefer a dip? 

Each of these common items typically serves as a powerful cue for another. . . . so much so that we often think we can't have one without the other. Something doesn't seem quite right. It's incomplete in some way. The first simply fails to satisfy without the second.

Last week I talked about how my arrival at home in the evening after a long day of work served as a cue for me to beeline to the freezer and help myself to a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream as a way of taking care of myself. The arrival home on Tuesday evening after several hours of providing therapy set in motion a series of steps leading to a heaping bowl of ice cream. I wasn't really all that hungry and I didn't need the extra calories, so it was important I learned to modify this routine to something more healthy. Since I discussed a couple of those options already, this week I thought I'd focus on ways to take command of "cues" for the purpose of promoting positive change.

Let's say you have a problem with procrastinating. You manage most things well, but in certain areas of your life where persistence or self-discipline is key, e.g., keeping the garage clean, working on your taxes, or bringing order to the paperwork in your office, you delay. For one reason or another, the task or activity before you is not your favorite and you often feel overwhelmed, so you delay action. Eventually, when you've passed too many deadlines, eliminated the option of another extension, or incurred the wrath of someone you care about, you forge ahead, complete the task and swear you'll never let things get this bad again . . . except that you usually do. Within months or a year or two, you find yourself right back where you started. . . . drowning in the dust, crashing in the clutter, moping in the mess. 

Your struggle is not at all unlike the yo-yo dieter who has gained and lost a couple hundred pounds, just never all at the same time. They swear they'll keep going, but after 10, 15, or 20 pounds they start slipping back to where they started and at times even regain more. The siren call of the old cues is simply too hard for them to resist.

What are we to do? Are we programmed as powerfully as Pavlov's dog who began salivating once a bell was rung, even if he was not fed? Are we a slave to our impulses? There's bad news here as well as good. Our brains are cunningly conditioned to respond to habit and routine even when those routines may not be all that helpful (that's the bad news). 

In their book, Switch: How to Change When Change is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath liken this phenomena to that of a rider on an elephant, explaining that our brain is "not of one mind" (p. 6).

Our will or intention may know and believe all the reasons we need to change, but that part of our brain is a lot like a rider on an elephant. The Rider stands for the thinking, reasoning part of our brain; the Elephant exemplifies our emotions and instincts. The Heath brothers note that the Rider is only able to make progress riding the Elephant in a particular direction if the Elephant doesn't want to go that way too. In short, although the Elephant may need the Rider to direct his behavior, his power can easily overwhelm what the Rider wants.

     "When change efforts fail, it's usually the Elephant's fault, since the kinds of change we want typically involve short-term sacrifices for long-term payoffs. . . Changes often fail because the Rider simply can't keep the Elephant on the road long enough to reach the destination" (p. 7).

The good news is that we can choose to set up a new path or routine. (Animals can't do that.) The Heath brothers refer to this as shaping or "scripting the path" (p. 18). This means that your thinking brain can choose or shape a path that makes it more likely your "emotions" (or elephant) will go where you want. 

So let's say that you know you need to lose weight, but you find it difficult to overcome the arriving-at-home munchies. You manage to stick with your eating plan all day long, but come 5:30 p.m. when you walk in the door tired, hungry and wondering what to fix for supper and you're a goner. More often than not you snack on chips, salted nuts or other calorie-laden snacks while you get dinner on the table. If you're truly going to shed the pounds, you know you're going to need to master that "elephant."

First, let's start with the cue. At the end of the day, you're likely hungry and tired. Your blood sugar is low and you're feeling the effects of a full day of work, all the time knowing that the demands of the evening still await you. It's almost inevitable you will not quell the hunger pangs and boost your energy the moment you hit the door. And after a long day, well, you figure you've earned it. But what if you tried something different? 

What if you put together a healthy snack and ate it in the car on the drive home? Or maybe you prepare it in the morning so it's waiting for you when you arrive.

What if you had some refreshing cold water to drink as you drove? Or maybe you could treat yourself to a glass of ice tea before you start cooking dinner. In either case you're still responding to the cue or emotion, but you are changing the routine to still satisfy your habit. If you're feeling the need to be nice to yourself before taking care of everyone else, you may decide to page through a magazine or watch a few minutes of television first. Of course, this is all easier if you don't have small children under feet and you have a mate who is willing to be helpful. All the same, changing the routine (or path) associated with the cue is essential. 

And then there's the possibility of using cues to spark new behavior. Let's say that you've made a New Year's resolution to join a fitness center. You've selected a place you feel comfortable that is not far from your workplace or home, and even made it to a class or workout a couple of times. The challenge is getting yourself there on a regular basis. I have that trouble, so I cue myself by packing my gym bag the night before and place it next to the door I will exit in the morning. Sometimes I even put it in the car. When everything I need is close at hand, I find it's a lot easier to take the last step of getting myself to the actual class on time.

Or suppose you want to tackle your out-of-control closets or messy work space. If you're like my Main Man and his "man cave," AKA the shop, sometimes it all just seems like too much. In cases like these, it's important to start small. Choose to clean up the clutter in just one drawer on one shelf. Or, set aside a small but specific amount of time each day (e.g., 20-30 minutes) and work on the task for only that long. Don't allow yourself to go beyond this or you will feel overwhelmed. Allow the time of day (e.g., at 7 p.m. almost every evening) to "cue" you to initiate your new routine (work in the shop or office). Stick to that new behavior for a period of 30 days and you'll be on your way to a new habit--one with the odds of bringing you much closer to the end you have in mind.

I confess I'm not where I want to be, but  I'm making progress. Nowadays, when I think about Monday's at 5 p.m., I also think about water aerobics and the friends I will see there. 

When I consider ways to be nice to myself, I more often think of my favorite tea than a cookie.

I've discovered that my "elephant" responds to a lot of positive cues, even ones not related to food. I bet yours will too.


Changing routines,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

What's Your Pattern?

It's Tuesday night and I've just completed four hours of back-to-back therapy sessions plus an additional hour of paperwork. Unhappy couples, stressed out parents, troubled families and rebellious kids--I've seen it all and I'm tired. I head home to my family, only to find them either absorbed in their own interests or needing something from me. It's not that they're cold or uncaring; It's just that I'm the wife and mom. My homecoming is perceived by them as an opportunity for me to function in one of those roles--not as an opportunity for me to prop up my feet and be asked if I need a cup of tea. 

What do I do? I typically have a large bowl of ice cream. It seems like a great idea at the time--a way to be nice to myself by having as much as I want. Tomorrow, I think . . . I can always count calories then.

I share this pattern of mine from several years back because it's a good example of a routine that developed over time not in response to actual hunger, but rather as a reaction to a physical and emotional need. It's also exemplifies why dieting alone fails to work for many people. I didn't really eat because I was hungry. Rather, I ate because I was tired, a little bit lonely and feeling like I wanted to be nice to myself when others were unaware or indifferent to how I might be feeling. 

Other folks drink, smoke, shop online, play computer games, camp out on the couch, or "live" on the internet for similar reasons. While some behaviors truly are detrimental, most done in moderation are not a concern. The challenge occurs when we engage in a behavior to the point where it does create problems for our physical, emotional and/or relational health. Then we need to think about changing.

One of the most helpful things I've read about changing our behavior is written by Charles Duhigg. In The Power of Habit, Duhigg lays out the framework for changing any habit in the following four steps:

1. Identify the routine.
2. Experiment with the rewards.
3. Isolate the cue.
4. Have a plan.

For me this meant first identifying the routine associated with my big-bowl-of-ice-cream fixation. As you can see from the description above, it had a lot to do with arriving home around 9 PM after 4-5 hours of mentally and emotionally exhausting work and feeling that I wanted to be nice to myself in some way. 

If I wanted to change the routine, I was clearly going to have to come up with something to take the place of Rocky Road ice cream, one of my favorites.

I recognized the cue (arriving home after a long day of work), but it wasn't simply arriving at home since I did that every other day of the week and didn't feel the same compulsion to eat then. Since I didn't necessarily want to stay out all night or make reservations at a hotel on Tuesday evenings, I needed to come up with an acceptable alternative. 

Fortunately, my Main Man, although initially unaware of this pattern, was willing to be part of experimenting with alternative possibilities. On at least two different occasions for a period of several weeks, we took dancing lessons. This required me to leave the paperwork to the next day, hop in the car with him and drive to our lessons a good 20-30 minutes away. After that, we spent the next hours trying to master the moves of the fox trot, swing and rumba. On other occasions, we simply left our teens to tend to themselves in the house and took a good long walk with the dog. On nights like these, ice cream looked much less attractive. It turns out that what I really wanted and needed was not ice cream so much as human interaction and activity where someone would listen and do something fun with me.

If you've decided that now is the time for you to take some steps toward positive change in  your life, I'd like to suggest that over the next week you observe your pattern. What is the context of your troublesome behavior? What kinds of activities and emotions are associated with the thing you'd like to change? Don't necessarily try to change anything yet. Just pay attention to what's going on with you, what you're feeling before you do it and how you feel after. 

And, if you're really serious about making a change, I strongly suggest you click on the link below and watch the short, but very well done clip by Duhigg. Even better, read the book or listen to it on Audible. I think you'll find it to be intriguing and helpful.

http://charlesduhigg.com/how-to-break-habits/

Changing patterns,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Moment of Truth

Last week I had a funny experience over at the Chesterfield Family Center.  I had just changed into my bathing suit for water aerobics and was heading for the pool when a lady at an adjoining  locker smiled and said, “Hi Jennifer.”

I’ll admit it, I’m not good with names, but her voice did sound familiar and I thought I recognized her face … at least a little. A few minutes later she hurried into the pool area and jumped into the water. I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t get over the fact that she acted as though she knew me and there was definitely something familiar about her. Who was this woman?

I worked my way over to a position near to her in the water and took a better look. She definitely looked like someone I had seen before, and yet different. Finally I asked if she had lost weight or had a twin sister who once attended water aerobics. She laughed and said she had lost a total of 105 pounds since last February, but due to a family emergency hadn’t been to class for three months. When she came every week, I hadn’t noticed the difference. When she missed for three months, there was a definite difference.

“How did you do it?” I said.

“Weight Watchers,” she replied.

“How did you get yourself to go,” I asked. To me, that’s the really important question. There are a number of ways to lose weight—some better than others, but what I really want to know is what gets a person started down a new path when they’ve been going a different direction most of their life. Most of us know a different path, a better path is available, but what causes us to put one foot in front of the other going in a new direction and then keep going day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year?

“Well,” she said, “I went to my doctor and had my yearly. He told me, like he does every year, that I was doing fine for now. Normally he goes on to say I need to lose weight, but this year he handed me a brochure and asked me to consider gastric bypass. That made me mad." 

"It was just before Christmas so I didn’t say anything to my husband until January. Then I told him how angry I was because the doctor must think I was stupid not to be able to control the food I put in my mouth . . . and then I stopped and thought maybe I did have a problem.”

“After that I said I was going to Weight Watchers, but I kept putting it off … getting into the new year … my sister’s birthday coming up … finally, my husband suggested I was stalling, just putting it off and that I would never go.”

“Alright,” I said, “and I went. I was mad about going, but I went. It was okay. I decided to go back.”

"How did you keep with it?" I wondered.

"Well, I made the mistake of telling my kids. All their lives I've told them that if they started something, they needed to finish it … like if they started a team and decided they didn't like to practice or play, they still had to finish the season. Well, once they knew I was working on a program to lose weight, I knew I couldn’t quit. So, I stayed with it. Eleven months later I have lost 105 pounds."

"It hasn't been easy. I still did all the baking at Christmas time for our family, but instead of putting those goodies in my mouth I thought, ‘What do I want more? Do I want that (which lasts for just a bit), or do I want the new me?’ It made a difference.”

Her story got me to thinking. Most of my adult life I have been interested in what helps people change. I’ve been a teacher and I know education helps people change, but it often doesn’t seem to be enough when it comes to behavior. We often know what to do; we just don’t do it.

As a mental health professional, I have worked with many people to help bring about change in their behavior, their relationships, their work or their family. I know how hard it can be to alter something about yourself that you find problematic. It's not always easy, but I know there are definitely positive steps we can take to make it easier. 

What's on your list for improvement? Common things include—

• Losing weight
• Becoming more physically active
• Being more organized
• Procrastinating less
• Improving an important relationship
• Eliminating certain troublesome behaviors (e.g. smoking)

To get yourself started, it helps to have a wake-up call. So, I'm wondering what yours will be? What will it take to motivate you? What would get you started down a new road—one that requires a change in your routine, possibly cost you time and/or money, and may make you uncomfortable from time to time? Could it be ...

• Stepping on the scales, looking in the mirror, or reviewing old photographs?
• A visit to the doctor, high blood pressure or finding out you are pre-diabetic?
• Losing track of an important document or missing another deadline?
• Disappointing someone you care about or being written up at work?
• Poor communication, tension and stress in a relationship with someone you love?

 What will happen if you don’t change? What could happen if you do?


Sincerely,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Change: "What's Your Favorite Color?"

A few days before Christmas our son, aka "Our Boy," sent us this photo of himself and his sons sitting in the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport en route to Minneapolis to visit his wife's parents for Christmas. (Our daughter-in-law, not in costume, declined to be photographed.) Now here's the thing about our son--he goes about life with a great "joie de vivre" evident in almost everything he does. He is an assistant principal at an elementary school where he handles any number of administrative duties, but his mantra tends to be, "If you can't have fun doing it, why bother?" Thus the Buddy the Elf get-up in an airport full of anxious, weary travelers at Christmas time. 
  I've seen videos of Our Boy riding up to school on his bicycle in a large chicken suit, sitting with his chicken feet propped up on his desk, and cheering the school children on with flapping feathers all to encourage more reading.

 
 

I suspect he gets this characteristic from his father, my Main Man. Back when unemployment was soaring and the economy tanking, he purchased orange corduroy pants, an orange striped shirt and an orange tie to wear as an ensemble to school one day just to give the parents, kids and teachers something to smile about. Accessorized with his green down vest, I thought he looked just like a giant walking carrot. People smiled alright. I just hoped they didn't lock him up.

What does this have to do with change? The truth is not everyone is crazy about an elf in an airport at Christmas time or someone in a chicken suit, flapping his feathers and cheering. Some thoughtful, contemplative, private folks would NEVER consider drawing attention to themselves in a potentially unseemly manner. They simply don't think it's appropriate. They don't see the point. They might agree with the extroverted personality on a common goal--using one's resources to bring greater joy and happiness to others, but they clash when it comes to how that is to be accomplished. Clashes are likely to occur when you get these personality polar opposites together and they often set out to prove the other is inappropriate or wrong. They may even try to change each other. I know because I am definitely not the kind of person to wear a costume in an airport or dress from head to toe in bright orange. My attempts at changing either of these two extroverts have mostly failed, which is as it should be. Their change is not up to me.

Are there consequences associated with being a raging extrovert? A quiet introvert? Something in between? Probably. Should people try to change some aspect of their behavior or personality--tone it down, rev it up, modify the extremes? Possibly. It might be in their best interest, but modification is likely to come only when an individual decides change is necessary. 

Your spouse might want you to modify your diet and lose a few pounds and it truly might be in your best interest to do so, but unless you commit to this change it will only be a source of conflict and resentment. Your employer may insist on certain health habits, e.g., not smoking on campus, but unless you believe you need to quit smoking your efforts will be lackluster at best. In short, unless you want to change, believe you need to change and are convinced that change is in your best interest, a successful outcome is unlikely. Others may act as a resource, offering encouragement, support and strategies when your motivation is low and your zeal flagging, but ownership of the problem, the need to change, can be yours alone.

Next week I'll begin outlining some specific steps and strategies to positive change, but before we take that next step it seems important to take one more look around and determine the following:

1) Is there something I need to change? How do I know this? Who says?
2) Am I willing to make the commitment to do so?  Sacrifice the time, energy, resources and comfort of my current ways?
3) If I don't make this change, what are the potential consequences? Who will it affect or impact? Who will be the biggest loser?

Answer these questions and those of us who are ready will get started in a new direction next week.

Sincerely, 
Dr. Jennifer Baker

Change

There are some kinds of change we find exciting and inviting.

"I've been thinking about changing the color of our bedroom."
"What do you think about changing cars, maybe to something a little sportier?"
"Let's change our vacation plans and go somewhere different this year."
"What would you think about going to a Thai restaurant for a change, instead of Mexican?"

Other kinds of change may initially sound exciting, but seem less attractive over time.

"I'm going to join a fitness center and go at least four times a week."
"I want to start eating a healthier diet--less fast food, more fruits and vegetables."
"I want to stop smoking."
"I want to get to bed earlier and get more sleep."

What's the difference? Ron Heifetz, author of Leadership Without Easy Answers, refers to the first of these as "technical change." These kinds of changes are the easiest to make. Perhaps that's why we tend to relish and embrace them. The second kind of change, what Heifetz's calls "adaptive change," is much more difficult. Implementation of this kind of change requires new learning and is much more challenging. Perhaps that's why we resist.

Every year many of us resolve that this will be THE YEAR we will change in some significant way. Although we may make fun of New Year's resolutions, it turns out they may be more significant than we may think. I recently read an article suggesting that those who make resolutions at the beginning of the year are more successful in achieving and maintaining their goals than those who resolve to make changes at some other time. It's just one study and more research is certainly needed, but it has made me continue to wonder what creates and sustains successful change in our behavior. 

Let's face it, at some point in our life, most of us want to alter our behavior in some way. We may want to be more organized or punctual. We may resolve to spend less time on social media, or stay in touch with our friends on a more regular basis. Many want to shed a few pounds and/or increase their activity level. For some, the desire to change is provoked by a look in the mirror or a review of old photos. Others are persuaded through a visit with their physician and a life-changing diagnosis. An ultimatum from a spouse or employer could be the motivation for others.

Over the next few weeks we will be considering important factors related to changing our behavior. There's much to ponder, but for now I'd like to focus on one thing, namely, your goal or goals. What do you really want to change or accomplish? What will you be doing differently when you're succeeding? What would a film crew following you around be recording?

For example, many people say they would like to write a book, or even that they should write a book. And yet, very few of those folks actually end up writing much of anything on a regular basis. It seems they like the idea of being an author, but they don't actually care much for the process of writing. Having written a couple of books myself I can tell you from experience writing can be a real drag some days--like trudging uphill carrying a couple of five-gallon buckets of water in eight inches of snow. In fact, I'm not all that certain I'll ever write another because the process requires that I give up so many other things I would rather do. It's nice to have your name on the cover of a book, but I'm not always sure it's worth the sacrifice. So do I really want to write another book, or do I just like the idea of being published?

Tim Miles, author of Good Company, Making it--Keeping It--Being It, writes the following: "Are you willing to put your head down, make a choice and move forward step-by-step down one path at the expense of other paths and opportunities?" While Miles, a marketing expert, is referring to business success I think his comments are also relevant to other changes we say we want to make, namely are we just saying we want to change or do we want to change badly enough to take the steps necessary to increase the likelihood of success.

You say you want to lose weight. Are you willing to remove snack foods from the pantry and avoid fast food establishments as a lunch? Or how about increasing your activity level? Are you willing to get up early and hit the gym before work or arrange your schedule to ensure you have time to show up before you head for home after work? Intend to improve your marriage or spend more time with your kids? What are you willing to give up to reach that goal?

Before I launch into some of the most effective ways to make important changes in your life, I think it's best to stop and ask yourself, what am I willing to let go of, loosen my grip on, change my attitude about, or rearrange my schedule for. If you can't answer this question, you're probably not ready to make a change.



Dr. Jennifer Baker