The period between February 7-14 has been celebrated as National Marriage Week for some time now. It's an effort to focus attention on the importance of healthy marriage to the well-being of adults, kids and communities. Individual couples may celebrate their independent wedding anniversary, but this national emphasis is about recognizing the importance of healthy marriage to all of us--married or unmarried.
I was reminded of this recently while watching a documentary about Emperor Penguins in Antarctica.
Did you know they are the only creature to spend their entire lives in that region--other species migrate away when the temperatures drop to a much as -112°in their winter.
These creatures may look cute and cuddly in photographs and at the zoo, but they are truly masters of survival.
How do they do it? That's where we humans need to take a few notes and apply what we've learned to our own lives.
First and foremost, penguins are monogamous. Once they mate, they stick with each other for the benefit of their chick. If they didn't the species would die out. Here's how it works.
The mother penguin carries the egg until it hatches. At that point, she is physically depleted so she heads for open water to feed and replenish her body fat while the father penguin takes over the care of the chick, carefully protecting it in a specially designed pouch. There he shelters the new chick, feeding and nurturing it from his own reserves while his mate is out to sea--literally--rebuilding herself.
At just the right moment, the mother penguin returns traveling up to three kilometers over frozen terrain to feed the chick from regurgitated fish. Her return is critical because by the time she gets back to her mate and their chick, the father is famished and has only enough strength to make his own journey to the sea for sustenance.
Over the next few weeks, the mother and father penguin journey back and forth to feed the chick that is growing rapidly and demanding more food. Should either the mother or the father fail to return to help the other, their chick will die. That's all there is to it. Without both parents, a baby penguin has no chance at all. Working together against overwhelming odds in the harshest of circumstances, hundreds of thousands of penguins survive and thrive to continue their own kind.
But there's another thing about penguins that is so remarkable, namely, the way they live in communities and help each other. When the mother penguin is gone and the father penguin is protecting his offspring, the penguins huddle together in groups to combat the extreme wind and cold. The amazing thing is the way they share shelter with each other as the birds on the outside of the huddle gradually exchange places with the birds on the inside rotating out. All birds are allowed to share the warmth of each other, with each taking turns sheltering and being sheltered.
Why can't we be as smart as the Emperor penguin?
Sure, our children don't necessarily die if a father is not present in their lives, but many fail to flourish. As a mental health professional and the Director of a Community Mental Health Clinic, I can assure you that a child without both parents to care for him or her is at risk for a multitude of poor outcomes. This has been repeatedly confirmed by numerous studies from renown institutions and researchers. While it's true that some single parents do an exceptional job and we can point to talented and successful people raised by single parents, these are often the exception rather than the rule because it's much more difficult to go it alone. Study after study will tell you, taken as a group they simply don't do as well.
That's why we need to celebrate and recognize the one institution, marriage, primarily responsible for giving children a safe, secure and stable environment in which to grow up. We might also recognize the communities that support these kinds of healthy, committed relationships. Family Expectations in Oklahoma City, OK (www.familiesok.org) is one such organization. First Things First (www.firstthings.org) in Chattanooga, TN is another. Many faith communities can also make the same claim.
In the words of Lori Borgman , "From a child's perspective, there is something mysteriously empowering about a wedding picture in a frame sitting on a shelf, the occasional envelope that comes addressed to Mr. and Mrs. and that crazy snoring at the end of the hall. It makes a kid feel stronger, smarter and taller. Marriage creates a safety net, visible and invisible" (www.loriborgman.com).
Valentine's Day is this coming Friday. I hope you'll celebrate it in style with the one you love most, especially if you're married or intending to be. If you're not, I hope you'll send a special valentine to a couple you know who you see as a good example of all that committed love can mean to our kids and our communities. Maybe you could even find a card with a penguin on it.
Thinking warm thoughts about love and marriage,
Dr. Jennifer Baker
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