Added to the feeling of helplessness was the fact that many of us were so aware of the unfolding drama. We heard the Amber alert go off shortly after 7:00 p.m. We watched the news unfold and became aware that the kidnapping had been witnessed by people who tried to intervene. (How often does that happen?) We were familiar with the neighborhoods where the events unfolded. Later that night we learned it wasn't good. The next day, folks all over the city went to work and school with heavy hearts and mixed emotions--sadness, confusion, fear, apprehension and anger. It was a difficult day.
In the days to follow I did two different interviews with news media, specifically focused on what we should tell our children. We don't want to give them nightmares, but how do we keep them safe? What do we do when something so senseless, evil and unpredictable occurs right in our midst? How do we help our kids cope when we are having trouble ourselves? We wonder how can we ever trust anyone again.
Sadly, this is not the first tragedy I've helped with. There have been other children and adults I know who have experienced the inexplicable. I've learned some things from my training and those experiences, but I certainly don't know everything. All the same, people I care about have asked that I write something this week that might be helpful. So, in the interest of contributing some small measure of comfort, I offer what I can here.
Encourage Compassion. I believe one of the best ways to handle our mixed emotions in a difficult time is to focus on compassion. How can we bring kindness and comfort to others? What small things might we do to ease their distress? I've heard about a number of ways people in our community are doing this and, when age-appropriate, I think it's also an excellent way to refocus our children's attention from the grizzly deed to showing love toward others. This story hits home because it literally happened in our backyard. There are many other dear children, equally precious to their parents, who die every day from gang violence in our cities or starvation and disease in other parts of the world. Helping children to connect the dots between this loss and the sadness in other parts of the world, helps them live beyond themselves. Perhaps you might also want to make a donation to World Vision or some other agency in remembrance of Hailey Owens.
Emphasize Courage. A moderate amount of caution is critical to self-preservation, but too much fear is crippling and disabling. Having worked with worried and anxious people in therapy, I think the last thing we want to do is instill more fear in our children. Do we remind them about "stranger danger?" Of course! Do we review rules of personal safety? Certainly! But teach them to fear everyone they don't know and worry about a predator on every corner . . . absolutely not! Instead, we can help to focus their efforts on working toward making this a safer community for all of us, no matter where we live. You could ask the following:
- "What would you do if you saw your friend doing something you thought was not safe?"
- "What kinds of things do you think kids should know to be able to handle uncomfortable situations?"
- "Who would you talk to if you saw something you thought might be dangerous at school, at home or in the neighborhood?"
Refocus Your Attention. There's something about a tragedy that causes many of us to become media-obsessed with every detail associated with the unfolding story. After 9-11 many people were glued to their televisions for hours and days. Today we include social media in the mix so that we have minute-to-minute updates on what is happening as well as the reactions of others to the event.
Some of this is helpful; much is not. It's almost as if we think that if we could just understand it enough, if some little tidbit were to be revealed, if new details came to light then ... oh then ...we would understand. And, if we understood, perhaps we could prevent it or somehow turn back the clock. But, of course, that's not really possible. Having dealt with many grieving, still-in-shock people, I've seen this kind of thinking with some frequency. In some ways it's normal. We all have a strong need to feel in control, and when something uncontrollable occurs in our world, it's terrifying. It's as if we could bring meaning to our experience, then somehow we could feel safe again. Some of this processing is normal and necessary, but sooner rather than later--we need to turn our attention to other things.
There is good going on in the world. The sun came up and brought warmer temperatures to us all this past week. The stars still twinkled in the dark night sky and the moon was beautiful. I experienced the love of family and friends. I was encouraged by the kind faces of people with whom I work. These things, and many others, bring joy to my everyday life. I don't want to miss these blessings. I don't want to be so focused on evil, that I miss the treasure of today. If I do, then the bad wins out over the good every time. My faith leads me to live with the knowledge that bad things do happen. Evil is present in our universe. At the same time, my faith teaches me that good is more powerful. It is greater than any darkness. This life is sometimes sad and troubled, but in the end, I believe that good will win.
Focusing on the good,
Dr. Jennifer Baker
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