Relationship Tools for Men: It's a Good Day for Fishin'

My father loved to fish. He could stand or sit for hours, fishing rod in hand, waiting for a fish to take the bait. He did most of his fishing in the Missouri Ozarks because that's where he lived, but when we traveled on family vacations he always packed his fishing gear. Be it northern Michigan or the Colorado Rockies, he wanted to be prepared to put his line in the water.

In the Spring of the year, he often convinced my mother to join him at the Glaize River when the white bass were running. On these excursions they spent the day and usually came home with a good reward for their effort. On many other occasions he was content to fish in the neighbor's lake or even his own pond. On these days the catch was not always as bountiful, but it didn't seem to matter.

"How was the fishing?" we'd ask.

"Oh the fishing was great," he'd reply. "The catching wasn't very good, but the fishing was great."

My dad's devotion to fishing exemplifies an element essential to a good relationship, namely commitment. Regardless of the weather, the setting or the outcome, my father demonstrated enduring devotion and continued commitment to fishing.

It reminds me of what Dr. Scott Stanley says about men and commitment. While, some people suggest that men are not capable of commitment, Dr. Stanley objects to this notion. He insists men do commit in a relationship--they just do it differently than women. 

Women, he says, commit to a man when they feel emotionally connected. This is typically much earlier than it would be for a man. In contrast, men commit when they believe they are building a certain future with someone. It takes longer for them to know this sort of thing, but once they do they are much more likely to sacrifice for the woman they love with a certainty they are investing in a future together.

In terms of relationships skills, it seems to me men could begin by giving themselves credit for the ability to commit. They need not discount the style or timing of their commitment just because it doesn't look like the typical female version. Rather, they would benefit from knowing they are just as capable of committing to a woman as a woman is to a man. The expression of that commitment, however, might appear a little different. According to Stanley, men with girlfriends to whom they may or may not be committed spend money on luxury items, trips  and entertainment. Men in a relationship with a woman with whom they intend to spend the future are much likely to spend money on things like washers, dryers and life insurance. Not very romantic, I know, but a definite sign of commitment. 

What does this have to do with fishing? 

Regardless of the Weather 

A true fisherman is committed to fishing in all kinds of conditions. This past Saturday morning, March 1, was the opening of trout season in Missouri. When the horn sounded sometime around sunrise, hundreds of fishermen cast their line into the water at Bennett Springs State Park. They didn't complain about the cold. They didn't worry much about the weather. They suffered the necessity of standing shoulder to shoulder with many other fishermen all for the sake of being present on opening day. This same sort of tenacity is required in a great relationship--good times and bad, comfortable or uncomfortable, just showing up and being present is a big deal. It demonstrates commitment.

Fresh Fishing Holes
Great fishermen like great lovers look for ways to express their devotion in assorted situations. For example, the true fishermen I know eagerly seek new places to cast their line into the water. I know someone who hikes for miles, fishing rod in tow, just for the possibility of casting her line into a new lake or stream. Expressing love and commitment to someone is the same sort of thing--you are often on the outlook for opportunities to let your partner know how much they mean to you. You keep your love fresh by expressing affection in unique and meaningful ways. 

Even When They're Not Biting
The best fishermen persist because they enjoy the process, even when the fish are not biting. Great lovers are the same way. They stay at it. They don't give up. Even when conditions are not right; they haven't had a nibble in hours; and they've tried any number of lures or flies; they stick with it. They may move their boat to another part of the lake or wade upstream to a deeper hole in the river, but they don't give up on trying to catch a fish because they love the process of fishing. 

Having a great relationship is a lot like that. Sometimes the fish aren't biting, i.e., things aren't going so well in the relationship, but great lovers persist. They try something different. They check in with other fishermen to see what the fish are biting on today. They move themselves in a different direction, but they stay with the process because they love their partner. They love the bigger picture and what the two of them are creating together. 

I'm not sure if there are streams to fish in heaven, but if there are I'd bet my father has his rod and reel in hand sitting on the bank with his line in the water. My mother, who he managed to make a fishing convert, may be sitting beside him. If I were to ask him now about how fishing compares to love and commitment, I bet he'd agree--regardless of the conditions, the location or the outcome, it's always a good day for fishing and loving.

Dr. Jennifer Baker