Things that Matter

We Laughed Until We Cried

We laughed until we cried. That's what happened when a group of us came together in Iowa last weekend. Most of us have gathered there nearly every year for the past 20 years. Initially we came to attend the annual quilt festival in Kalona, a small community near Iowa City with the largest Amish and Mennonite settlement west of the Mississippi.

Learning about the area's unique history and culture has been part of the charm of the yearly visit, but the greatest attraction, by far has been the friendships that have grown and deepened over the years.

A Twenty-Year Tradition

It all started more than 20 years ago. Having recently finished my master's degree, I longed to replace the tedious hours of studying with the company of others, so I offered to teach a quilting class. Included in those gatherings were history lessons, of sorts, on how women used quilting for more than constructing coverlets to keep their families warm. I called the class "Pieces to Wholeness" to reflect the idea that small pieces come together to form a beautiful pattern, but people also need each other to remain whole and healthy.

 Sometime in the year thereafter one of the group members suggested we might like to attend the annual quilt show and sale in Kalona, Iowa. She said her mother lived there and we could stay with her. 

  

And so began a 20-year-tradition of trekking to Kalona on the last weekend in April. Over the past 20 years this group of women with a 25-year-age range developed deep friendships. They have seen each other through employment, unemployment, re-employment and retirement. Collectively they've experienced birth and death, weddings, funerals and divorce. They've weathered marital problems, troublesome teens and even the destruction of one member's home by a tornado. Two of the group have moved to other states (I would be one of those), but even separated by hundreds of miles, the bonds of friendship have remained strong. They've even welcomed a couple of new members to the group.

"Did I Really Say That?"
Our best friends often know more about us in some ways than we know ourselves. This was clearly evident to me with the reading of "The Journal" -- the record of our gatherings over the past 20 years. What group members remembered me saying and what I recalled were sometimes quite different. Their perspective has helped me see things about myself I might otherwise overlook or want to avoid. We all need friends like this and so do our couple and family relationships.

Today, a lot of emphasis is put on finding one's soul mate. While discovering a suitable match is certainly worthy of effort, it occurs to me that the kind and quality of one's friendships may be a better predictor of one's marital stability and satisfaction than initial compatibility with a partner. The right kind of friends can keep you going through the rough patches of marriage. They can help you hang on when children rebel or disappoint.

"You Need to Go to Quilting!"
Over the years many of our spouses have come to value what these friendships contribute to our overall health and well-being. I recall any number of our members arriving at an evening meeting or gathering saying, "I really didn't have time to come, but my husband practically pushed me out the door." And although the Iowa gathering is a "woman only" event, one year my Main Man accompanied me on the 300+ mile trip from Missouri just so I wouldn't have to drive the distance by myself. He knew the past year had been a particularly stressful one and how important it would be to my mental health to spend some time in the company of these special friends.

Make Time for Friends
In the past most people had large families that produced automatic support systems. Today's families, for any number of reasons, are often unable to provide support in the same way, which is why healthy friendships are so important. Husbands tend to be happier and children do better when wives and/or mothers have meaningful support from others.

Some people think great relationships are built on spending lots of time together with a partner. While it's true that happy couples and families do make quality time with each other a priority, some of the happiest, most content people I know also make time for friendship.

If you don't have a good friend or two, I hope you'll focus on making some. If you do have faithful friends, treasure them and treat them with love and kindness. Their presence in your life can make all the difference to those you love most.

Thinking fondly of my friends, 

Dr. Jennifer Baker