There are at least two or three closets in my house where "perfect" is not the word you would use when you opened the door. "Near perfect" is not even close.
Truth be told, they're pretty disorganized and chock-full of things I need to sort through, give away, or discard. How do I live with myself? Simple . . . I close the door.
This is somewhat akin to what Dr. Dan Ariely terms the "fudge factor." According to Ariely, (who by the way has two PhDs -- one in cognitive psychology and another in business administration), the fudge factor refers to our human inclination to "cheat by only a little bit." This allows us to "benefit from cheating and still view ourselves as marvelous human beings" (p. 27).
To put it another way, I like to think of myself as a tidy person. When I walk through my house with the closet doors closed, I generally can. Open the doors to the closet in our office, the closet in the guest room or the closet in the storage area and you might have a different impression.
This woman, you might say, needs to do some serious purging.
And aren't we really all like that with some pet behaviors in our lives? If we're honest, I think most of us will admit there are some behaviors we know we need to change, but we've grown so accustomed to them that we just "close the door" on those actions and expect less of ourselves. It's hard to make the effort to do something different. I know because it's an ongoing challenge for me.
Image Management
When both you and your mate work for a church--as Paul and I once did, it's easy to become extremely adept at image management.
In some ways you come to believe that others expect this of you. This was certainly true for me. We had a good marriage and happy family, but we were far from perfect.
Thank goodness our children were determined to keep us real in the process.
When our daughter was in her early teens she occasionally slipped press releases under our bedroom door, threatening to distribute them to the Belvidere Daily Republican--our hometown newspaper at the time--so that they would know what kind of parents she really had.
At the time I found her statements mildly amusing to a point, but they were also a bit unnerving. Her father was the principal of a school associated with the church and I was in charge of family ministries. I wanted others to think of us as good parents and her revelations, while somewhat fictionalized, were not always flattering. Even if biased in her favor, they did contain some elements of truth I had to own.
Our son, too, found a number of ways to keep us on our toes.
His antics, though never serious or life-threatening, were enough to create embarrassment and amusement, depending on your perspective. I still remember the time he came home from college with leopard hair and I discouraged him from going to church with us.
Not my proudest moment, I know. Image management for sure. I'm trying to do better now by admitting it.
I have to confess that I am not now--nor have I ever been--as put-together as I want to be. I know it's not necessary, or even advisable, to share all one's failures, but along with tackling at least one of those cluttered closets, I'm going to try harder at being real.
Our children and grandchildren continue to help keep us honest and humble. They know we are far from perfect, but they love us anyway. It's hard to get that kind of acceptance unless you drop the pretense and let others see you--rough edges and all. Perhaps this is something to think about with spring cleaning.
Cleaning closets and admitting imperfections,
Dr. Jennifer Baker
Oh the memories Dr. Baker! Thanks for sharing, and for what it's worth, we not only have a few cluttered closets but a whole basement of shame... there, that feels better. At least for me, probably not for the one who it really bothers.... you know who : )
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