Creeping . . .

My niece just graduated from law school. She's a bright, beautiful, compassionate young woman who will undoubtedly do well. I'm certainly proud of her and I know her parents are too. I noticed many words of encouragement from friends and family when I read the posting on her Facebook page.

One of the most interesting came from a friend who included a link to a graduation address by David Foster Wallace* entitled "This is Water." Mr. Wallace uses the metaphor of water to talk about how so much of our life is daily, routine, ordinary, boring, frustrating and sometimes downright irritating. We may not be able to change much about our circumstances, he says, but we do have a choice about our perspective. In some ways, I think Mr. Wallace did a good job of what I've been calling "creeping," i.e., those phases in our lives where we don't see a lot of progress, but the day-to-day faithfulness in small, ordinary things matters.

If you're a regular reader, you know that the last couple of weeks I've been talking about the "sleeping, creeping and leaping" phases of perennials, comparing them to a whole and healthy life. In the perennial plant world, "creeping" typically refers to the second year of a perennial's life when you see small signs of growth, but nothing dramatic happens. This is typically preceded by a year of "sleeping," i.e. the year you put the perennial in the ground. By the second year most people are hoping to see a bit more for their efforts--something akin to what appears at the botanical gardens or on the cover of a gardening magazine, but most perennials need at least one more year for that to begin.

This tendency to want to hurry the creeping process is often true of many aspects of adult life, but in different ways at different stages.

Young Adults (20s and 30s)

This stage of life is one of rapid change for many young adults. After high school graduation there's usually college, military service or an apprenticeship. Some continue on to advanced degrees. Romances and relationships develop. Engagements are announced. Weddings are scheduled. Careers are started. Homes are purchased. Babies are welcomed. And then . . . things typically slow down quite a bit, at least in the area of rapid change. Suddenly the world can seem very "daily" and often dull compared with the earlier years.

Of course, critical foundations are being laid during this period in terms of finances, professional development, marital satisfaction and healthy, happy children, but it can be hard to see the value of this foundation in the midst of the "dailies" -- demanding schedules, daunting routines, diapers and dishes. One of the dangers of this period is the temptation to continue pursuing "excitement," rather than settling into the rhythm of everyday life. Impulsive financial decisions, too much "job changing" in pursuit of the perfect position, and the lure of an extra-marital relationship can all contribute to "root damage" severely impacting future growth.

Middle-Years Adults (40s-Mid 50s)

People in the middle years face their own challenges with "creeping," and not just in terms of the spread of their waist line. They may have safely navigated the early years, perhaps to the stability they now enjoy, but some now succumb to the feeling they're stuck in a rut.

It's not that I think ruts are a good thing. Rather, I have concerns about the ways people in this age group try to escape their perceived rut, or what it is that causes them to define it as a rut at all. Many a marriage has been ruined or damaged by self-centered, "rut-extrication" activities. Finances have floundered from foolish investments. Relationships, personal and/or professional, have been threatened by now-or-never choices that tend to take place at this time. Creeping is still a good thing, even in the middle years.

Later Years Adults (Late 50s, 60s, 70s and Beyond)
As one's years accumulate, there's a temptation to believe the "creeping" should be done by now, particularly if the previous three or four decades have been demanding. It's easy to think that now is the time to reap rewards,the time to relax, the time to enjoy the bounty and fruit of our labors. Isn't that what the investment ads all talk about?

While some of this thinking may be fitting, the fact of the matter is that every decade of life includes some creeping, some slow and steady progress up what may seem like a mountain of adjustment ... retirement, aging, separation and loss. Those who expect it to be otherwise often succumb to bitterness and despair. Those who plan for creeping are more likely to continue blooming in every season.

Life is difficult. People are often frustrating or irritating. Some circumstances can be more than challenging. The happiest people with whom I'm acquainted also know we have a choice. We can be grateful, generous and kind. We can practice kindness and care. We can let go of a need for self-importance and live with grace and compassion for others. When we do this, a root system developed over the years will yield the most beautiful blossoms of all. I'm pretty certain Emily knows this, but just in case she needed a special "graduation nod" from her aunt, I thought I'd write this blog with her in mind.

Congratulations Emily! Keep on creeping on!

Dr. Jennifer Baker

* I wanted to include the link, but it's no longer operational.