"Expect to feel a little discomfort," the nurse says as she sticks the needle in my arm.
"You may be a bit uncomfortable after the medication wears off," warns the doctor.
When we have a medical or dental procedure, we're not surprised to hear these words. In fact, we expect them. We also know that "discomfort" is often another word for pain. It may not be horrible, crushing pain -- but it still hurts.
I wonder why it is, then, that people so often expect little to no pain when they try to change their behavior. The truth is, it's uncomfortable to change. We struggle to alter familiar routines. It's unsettling. In fact, sometimes it "hurts" -- not in an aching physical way, but sometimes in a "heart-aching" way.
There are lots of ways we try to distance ourselves from or prevent this kind of pain. If you really need to change, I'm here to say that most of them don't work. They only delay the inevitable discomfort. One avoidance strategy I see a quite a bit is something I call "insight obsession."
Insight Obsession
"Why do I keep picking the wrong kind of men? I think I need to figure out why I keep falling for the wrong kind of guy."
"If only I understood why I keep (drinking too much, overeating, spending, gambling, saying 'yes" when I should say 'no"), maybe then I could change."
"My mother was a neat freak who forced me to make my bed every morning. I think that's why I'm so messy today. She made me hate housework."
It's not uncommon for people to visit a therapist to gain insight about their lives and behavior. They figure if they just knew why they engage in certain behaviors, then they could do something different. For them, insight is seen as the primary instrument for change. Self-reflection, sometimes with the aid of a professional, is viewed as the key tool for new behavior.
I'm actually quite fond of insight. I love it when I'm able to help someone learn something new about themselves. Unfortunately, while insight can be motivational for change, it is rarely sufficient. Breakthroughs in understanding are only the beginning. For real change to occur, most of us need to be willing to experience something else, namely discomfort.
Impossible to Know
Why is this so? First of all, it's often impossible to know what the real cause of any behavior or thought process might be. More than likely, there are multiple causes or contributors. Most of what we think about causation is really hypothesis and conjecture. For example, it's impossible to know for certain if our third-grade teacher turned us against reading forever or if it was more related to our athletic ability that crowded out everything school-related in preference for sports. Perhaps the beauty and brains of an older sibling created a context in which we felt less secure in the classroom than on the basketball court. Whatever the case, if we want to improve our reading ability, insight into what prevented us from being a lover for reading will have only a small impact on improving this function. Real progress comes with a tutor, reading coach and lots of practice.
Perhaps television and movies have helped to foster the impression that change occurs like a spark igniting a fire. Sometimes it happens like that, but more often it occurs from slogging away day after day -- attending AA or Weight Watchers meetings on a regular basis, visiting the gym four days out of seven, arising earlier to get to work on time. Practice, perseverance and perspiration add up. It's pretty much the same with any change. It takes time, work and new strategies.
When it comes to making changes in relationships--at home or at the office, the same can be said, especially if trust has been damaged. People don't automatically learn to manage their anger better just because they suddenly realize some of the damage they have created. They also do not give up on procrastination or become more organized overnight. It's hard for an individual to change. It's also hard for those around him or her to believe it can happen. It will take time and considerable effort for things to improve.
At times like these coaching or therapy can be especially helpful. A good therapist will move you beyond wondering why you do what you do, to doing something different. He or she will help you see what needs to change and work with you to establish new patterns. You will likely gain insight into your motivation along the way, but if you never get beyond wondering why, you won't make much progress.
You may have heard it said, "No pain, no gain." Some argue pain is not necessary for bodily change. I'll not enter into that debate, but I will continue to insist that some discomfort is required if you want to change habits and behaviors in your life.
Uncomfortably yours,
Dr. Jennifer Baker
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