Is My Two-Year-Old ...?

"Is my two-year-old ...?" 

  

How would you finish that sentence? According to a speaker I heard recently, the number one word to come next on a Google search is "gifted." Apparently, for parents of a two-year-old the question the question that most often comes to mind is not whether or not he is developing in an age-appropriate and timely manner. Rather, many are wondering whether their toddler has extraordinary cognitive abilities. 

I wonder why it's so important for us to know if our child is gifted. I wonder why this concern trumps all other concerns--at least on Google. Why are we preoccupied with cognitive ability over kindness, conscience or courage? We put stickers on our cars declaring our child's status as an honor student, but give little recognition to character qualities that have a much greater impact on her ultimate success in life. Perhaps we believe giftedness is the golden ticket to success. It’s not!

In How Children Succeed, author and education writer Paul Tough, How Children Succeed, reflects on his own journey to find a good school for his son. Early on he notes, “The conventional wisdom about child development over the past few decades has been misguided. We have been focusing on the wrong skills and abilities in our children, and we have been using the wrong strategies to help nurture and teach those skills.” He goes on to suggest what we are learning now has the “potential to change how we raise our children, how we run our schools, and how we construct our social safety net.” This got my attention. As a parent, educator, psychologist and grandparent, I wondered what we might learn to guide us to help the children of today become the adults of tomorrow.

According to Tough, there are three basic things researchers have identified as critical to our children’s success. They are “grit, curiosity and the hidden power of character.” It’s important to note Tough makes an important distinction between what many of us know as “character education” and what he describes in How Children Succeed. He cites a national evaluation of character-education programs by the National Center for Education Research (2010 that evaluated seven popular elementary-school programs over three consecutive years. No impact of significance was observed at all from the programs – “not on student behavior, not on academic achievement, not on school culture” (p. 60).

Just what does Tough mean, then, when he speaks about character? Try perseverance (grit), self-control, zest, social intelligence, gratitude, optimism and curiosity. Without these qualities, even children with a high IQ flounder. With them, children of average intelligence often far exceed the expectations of parents and teachers. We tend to think of qualities such as these as inherited and stable, but Tough (who interviewed many award-winning researchers and educators), claims they can be learned. Parents, teachers and caregivers can help children develop grit, self-control, social intelligence and gratitude. They can interact with a child in ways that help expand his zest for learning, optimism and curiosity.

Developmentally, I don’t know any two-year-olds who have mastered any of these qualities, but I have observed some who are further along than others. They’re generally in the company of parents who are more concerned about their character than their cognitive abilities. I wonder what kind of Google search we could find for that.

Eating, Moving and Sleeping

Eat less. Move more. Reduce your stress and stop smoking. I've said quite a bit lately about how health and wellness is related to more than these four bedrock components of most wellness programs. Even so, there's plenty of evidence to suggest our behavioral and relational health might have just as much, if not more, influence on our overall health and well-being than just these four. 

That being said, I don't want to give the impression these four aren't important. On the contrary, one of the first things mental health professionals ask a person on intake are questions about changes in diet, weight and sleeping patterns. These things do matter because the body and mind are very close neighbors.

That's one of the reasons I found Eat Move Sleep by Tom Rath so intriguing and helpful. Tom is a #1 New York Times bestselling author (See Strengths Finder 2.0), who does an masterful job of bringing together some of the best research available on each of these three areas. A book like this could be dull as dust to read, but Tom actually takes one idea for each of these areas and compiles them into 30 short chapters. It's the kind of thing you can easily read one chapter a day for a month. Even if you choose to do just a few of the things Tom suggests, you'll definitely be taking a step forward health wise.

With so many self-help, self-improvement books on the market, what would make Tom's worth the read. The research, of course, is compelling. I mean, Tom just didn't make this stuff up. He did his homework. But there's more. From the very beginning of the book, you learn that Tom was diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer at age 16 that causes tumors to grow throughout his body. Over the last two decades he's focused much of his attention to learning what he could do to decrease the odds of his cancer growing and spreading, namely lifestyle changes. Eat Move Sleep is the compilation of this work. Here's how he expresses it in the book:

"I'm a living testament to the fact that lousy predispositions can be encoded in your genes. Yet even in this extreme case, my decisions affect the odds of new tumors growing and my existing cancers spreading. The reality is, the majority of your risk in life lies in the choices you make, not in your family tree." 

He goes on to say, "No single act can prevent cancer or guarantee you will live a long life. Anyone who promises you something that absolute is a fraud." What he shares in the book are some of the "most practical ideas to improve your odds of a longer, healthier, and more fulfilling life."

Two weeks ago I wrote about how insight isn't necessary for change. Being willing to do something different, to be uncomfortable is. This is sort of part two of that posting. If you need to change -- lower your blood pressure, become more active, lose some weight or get better rest -- I urge you to get this book. It won't give you a lot of insight as to why you've come to favor web surfing over walking, vegging out over veggies with hummus, or late nights over early bedtimes. It will give you lots of little ideas to develop better health habits today.

And one more thing. I like the fact that Tom gives you 30 days of ideas. Most of us need to do something that long for it to become routine. Then we don't have to ask, "How did I get this way?" It just becomes a new routine.

A Good Neighbor

My daughter and her family live in an area of Springfield known for its neighborliness. “It’s what we want for our life,” she said. “We think it’s important to our family.”
 

Her comments reminded me of an anonymous handwritten note we received from one of our neighbors a short time after we moved into our current home about eight years ago. Addressed to “Occupant,” it read as follows:

Please do not leave your trash receptacles on the driveway or anywhere in front of your home. This is a nice neighborhood. Please don’t bring it down by leaving trash in front.

We certainly didn’t mean to offend or upset any of our neighbors, but given that we had moved into my father’s home after he passed less than a year earlier and brought with us a houseful of furniture, it was taking us a bit to get it all sorted out. If you’ve ever sifted through an elderly parent’s possessions and divvied them up with extended family, you know what I mean.

This meant we didn’t have room in our garage for the typical large trash container for a few weeks. We didn’t have piles of trash on our lawn. Our grass was mowed weekly. There were flowers in the flower beds and we put the trash at the curb once a week for pick-up. We just didn’t have the container in the garage.  After the note, we did our best to make space for it as soon as possible.

I’m writing about this now because I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the importance of community and the connections we need to stay healthy and happy. Most of us are in favor of the idea of community, at least in theory. The problem occurs with the reality of actual people. They don’t always do things to our liking. They can be irritating and annoying. Intentionally, or not, they may interfere with our idea of the way things should be.

That’s one reason I was so pleased to see the launch of a third Lighthouse Child and Family Development Center at Washington Avenue Baptist Church as an Every Child Promise Neighborhood Hub last Wednesday. This partnership brings together a number of “neighbors,” including Springfield Public Schools, Drury University, and Victory Trade School. Washington Avenue recognized the need of their neighbors. They didn’t seem to mind the changes that needed to be made to their church, the wear and tear on their building from a lot more little people tramping around every day, or the need for everyone to coordinate their usage around others in the building. Rather, they embraced the idea that community can be messy. Community can be cumbersome. Community is often clumsy . . . but community is important.

 

Of course, it’s a two-way street. Neighborliness goes both ways. Everyone has to work at it. It just seems to me that Washington Avenue Baptist is the kind of neighbor that comes over shortly after you move in to with a plate full of cookies and something cold to drink. They let you know they’re glad you’re here and they follow up on their offer to be helpful. You reciprocate by shoveling their driveway or picking up their newspaper. They offer to bring in your mail when you’re gone. You water their flowers when they are out of town for the weekend. Over time, through warmth, courtesy and respect a mutually beneficial friendship develops that is a gift to everyone around. That’s what seems to be happening at and through Washington Avenue. They are an inspiration to all of us to take the first step toward being a good neighbor. It makes a difference to all of us.

Thinking neighborly thoughts,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Uncomfortable

"Expect to feel a little discomfort," the nurse says as she sticks the needle in my arm. 

"You may be a bit uncomfortable after the medication wears off," warns the doctor.

When we have a medical or dental procedure, we're not surprised to hear these words. In fact, we expect them. We also know that "discomfort" is often another word for pain. It may not be horrible, crushing pain -- but it still hurts.

I wonder why it is, then, that people so often expect little to no pain when they try to change their behavior. The truth is, it's uncomfortable to change. We struggle to alter familiar routines. It's unsettling. In fact, sometimes it "hurts" -- not in an aching physical way, but sometimes in a "heart-aching" way.

There are lots of ways we try to distance ourselves from or prevent this kind of pain. If you really need to change, I'm here to say that most of them don't work. They only delay the inevitable discomfort. One avoidance strategy I see a quite a bit is something I call "insight obsession."

Insight Obsession
"Why do I keep picking the wrong kind of men? I think I need to figure out why I keep falling for the wrong kind of guy."

"If only I understood why I keep (drinking too much, overeating, spending, gambling, saying 'yes" when I should say 'no"), maybe then I could change."

"My mother was a neat freak who forced me to make my bed every morning. I think that's why I'm so messy today. She made me hate housework."

It's not uncommon for people to visit a therapist to gain insight about their lives and behavior. They figure if they just knew why they engage in certain behaviors, then they could do something different. For them, insight is seen as the primary instrument for change. Self-reflection, sometimes with the aid of a professional, is viewed as the key tool for new behavior.

I'm actually quite fond of insight. I love it when I'm able to help someone learn something new about themselves. Unfortunately, while insight can be motivational for change, it is rarely sufficient. Breakthroughs in understanding are only the beginning. For real change to occur, most of us need to be willing to experience something else, namely discomfort.

Impossible to Know
Why is this so? First of all, it's often impossible to know what the real cause of any behavior or thought process might be. More than likely, there are multiple causes or contributors. Most of what we think about causation is really hypothesis and conjecture. For example, it's impossible to know for certain if our third-grade teacher turned us against reading forever or if it was more related to our athletic ability that crowded out everything school-related in preference for sports. Perhaps the beauty and brains of an older sibling created a context in which we felt less secure in the classroom than on the basketball court. Whatever the case, if we want to improve our reading ability, insight into what prevented us from being a lover for reading will have only a small impact on improving this function. Real progress comes with a tutor, reading coach and lots of practice.

New Habits Develop Over Time
Perhaps television and movies have helped to foster the impression that change occurs like a spark igniting a fire. Sometimes it happens like that, but more often it occurs from slogging away day after day -- attending AA or Weight Watchers meetings on a regular basis, visiting the gym four days out of seven, arising earlier to get to work on time. Practice, perseverance and perspiration add up. It's pretty much the same with any change. It takes time, work and new strategies. 

When it comes to making changes in relationships--at home or at the office, the same can be said, especially if trust has been damaged. People don't automatically learn to manage their anger better just because they suddenly realize some of the damage they have created. They also do not give up on procrastination or become more organized overnight. It's hard for an individual to change. It's also hard for those around him or her to believe it can happen. It will take time and considerable effort for things to improve. 

At times like these coaching or therapy can be especially helpful. A good therapist will move you beyond wondering why you do what you do, to doing something different. He or she will help you see what needs to change and work with you to establish new patterns. You will likely gain insight into your motivation along the way, but if you never get beyond wondering why, you won't make much progress. 

You may have heard it said, "No pain, no gain." Some argue pain is not necessary for bodily change. I'll not enter into that debate, but I will continue to insist that some discomfort is required if you want to change habits and behaviors in your life.

Uncomfortably yours,
Dr. Jennifer Baker

To Improve Child's Lives, We Have To Include Fathers

ESPN plays on the monitors in the hallway, but in the classroom filled with black leather loveseat recliners, it’s all business at Family Expectations on Monday night in Oklahoma City.

“Okay,” so your baby is crying. (Video of fussing infant appears on screen.) “What are your options? What do most people do first?”

The person asking the question is a man. He stands in front of a room full of 30-40 new and expectant parents. Half are mothers and half are fathers. Not quite half of them are married to their partner. They know the screaming infant experience is coming. In some cases, they’re already there. What do you do with a crying baby?

For the next 45 minutes the man in front talks with the class about how to sooth a fussy baby. He gives them tips on ways to comfort an infant before picking him up. The class observes an infant’s response to a comforting voice or calming touch. They’re exposed to the concept of self-soothing and learn how this develops in a child over time. They discover ways to hold their baby that are most likely to be successful in consoling her cries.

Everyone—mothers and fathers—are given the information they need to calm a screaming child. Fathers and mothers learn together what babies need. It is assumed both are equally capable. The 15-member contingent from Springfield is seeing a one-of-a-kind approach to improving child outcomes that also appears linking to significant declines in child abuse and neglect.

It makes sense when you think about it. Mothers and fathers learn together about how to care for their infant, while also learning how to work as a team to build a safe and stable home for their child. This includes how to manage the inevitable conflict that can occur with sleepless nights, stretched finances and much less free time. This “magic moment,” as researchers in the Fragile Families study have dubbed it, is a critical time when the vast majority of fathers and mothers (married to each other or not) have indicated a strong interest in forming a family. This is their goal and aspiration, but far too few are actually able to achieve this dream. All too often, fathers and mothers who fail to learn the skills to form and maintain a committed relationship within the first year of their child’s life are no longer together a year or two later, an occurrence often placing their baby at great risk.

Today, 1 in 3 children lives without his father in the home compared to 1 in 5 in 1980. Children growing up without a father’s presence are 4 times more likely to be poor, two times more likely to drop out of high school, more likely to have behavioral problems, and more likely to end up in prison. Of course there are many exceptional single-parent moms who do an amazing job of raising children, but it's usually not their preference or first choice. For many reasons, more fathers than ever before are not living with their children. The trend toward fatherlessness in America today is not a good thing. It places children at risk and increases poverty.

If we want to do something to improve outcomes for children – something about poverty, crime and educational outcomes we also need to think about ways to engage fathers. We need to help them feel successful in their critical role right from the start, because when good dads are involved, children do much better.

*References to statistics and research findings cited in this article are available upon request.