Managing Family Togetherness

“That child deserves a spanking. When I was growing up, my parents would never have allowed me to get away with that kind of behavior.”

“Now that your man is in the White House, are you having any second thoughts? If you’re not, you should be.”

“I can’t believe you spent that much money for a car. You should’ve talked to me first. I could have set you up with a much better deal.”

Comments like these are the perfect grist for many a family get-together. Once, just once, couldn’t Aunt Harriet refrain from commenting on how we discipline our children? Must we always have a big family row over politics? Does Uncle Henry consider himself the expert on every topic under the sun?

Summer is a time filled with family. There are visits and vacations, relatives and reunions, time away and . . . sometimes too much time together. Regardless of the venue, summer is also a time of hopes and dreams for how it will be when we all get together, go away for a few days, or get out of town to a special location. Sadly, reality often falls short of our ideals and expectations. We may end up returning home more exhausted than when we left and frustrated with family interactions.

Although we’re nearly halfway through the summer at this point, I thought it might be good to offer a few thoughts from a therapist’s perspective about family togetherness to potentially ease the pain—if not now, then perhaps during the holidays later this year.

Practice Humility and Humor. Okay, so maybe Cousin Edmund’s stories do go on and on and on and Great Aunt Clara always asks embarrassing questions. If you can’t keep them from talking, perhaps the best approach is to accept the fact it’s going to happen. Prepare a clever response in advance, e.g., “Hey, how about those Royals?” Or, “Did you ever give me that recipe for your chicken salad?” Think of these family members as characters in an unfolding drama. The most interesting and entertaining stories almost always feature people with idiosyncrasies. Your family members could be cast in starring roles. Remember, you yourself may also be somebody else’s difficult person.

Watch the Exhaustion Factor. The more tired you are, the more annoying other people become. We already know we’re a nation of sleep-deprived people. Especially when there’s the potential of dealing with challenging people and personalities, do your best to stay well-rested. You can’t change them, but you can prepare to be your best self.

Set Limits. Sometimes we too quickly agree to be on someone else’s schedule, when we’d really rather make our own plans. It’s okay to honor some of the wishes of others, but too much giving in often leads to resentment and bitterness—especially if it involves spending a majority of your vacation time with difficult people. Only you can decide how much is too much, but it seems to me the happiest people are those who know when to come and when to go. They also decide what they will and will not be able to do and let others know their plans well in advance. Family interactions often follow predictable patterns. Deciding ahead of time how you would like to respond to the people you love most tends to lead to the happiest memories.

This column originally appeared in the Springfield News-Leader on Wednesday, July 16, 2014.