You Know Me Better than I Think

Dashing to the bottom of the stairs I mentally armed myself to put a halt to the sibling rivalry breaking out on the lower level of our home. Weary of the incessant quarreling common between siblings, I was determined to bring it to a halt ... now ... with whatever means necessary. Imagine my surprise when our two kids burst into laughter at the sight of me, their mother, wild-eyed and prepared to restore civility and order at any cost. "Gotcha!" they gleefully shouted in unison.

What was going on? I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but once our children were old enough to recognize they could get an almost guaranteed reaction from me by starting a fight with each other, they occasionally used this habit of mine for their amusement. Basically, they initiated a "pretend" argument on another level of the house, and then waited until I dashed down the stairs to scold them, at which point they burst into gales of laughter. (Yes, I fell for this cunning maneuver more than once.) They thought they were so clever . . . and in some respects they were because they knew me better than I knew myself. It never occurred to me that my behavior, in light of their sibling quarrels, was so predictable as to be a source of entertainment for them.

In his book, Craving, Omar Manejwala discusses this very human characteristic known to psychologists as "asymmetric insight." Basically it involves the notion that we believe ourselves, to be somewhat unknowable or mysterious to others. Other people don't really understand what we're like or how we think. At the very same time, we are also inclined to believe that we possess unusual insight into the thinking, feeling and motivation of others. In short, they are knowable, but we are not.

 It sounds rather egotistical when you think about it, but most of us probably fall prey to this kind of bias almost every day. Marketing gurus know this so well they plan on us behaving in ways that are likely unknown to us, but obvious to them. For instance, you probably were not aware of the impact of "social influence" on your behavior, i.e., what you observe others doing affects you more than you realize. In Contagious: Why Things Catch On, Jonah Berger notes that "approximately one out of every eight cars sold was because of social influence" (p. 135).

What's more, if you live in a city where it's warm and sunny and easy to see what others are driving, it's even more likely you'll want a new car. Berger notes, "People were more influenced by others' purchases in places like Los Angeles and Miami, where it is easier to see what others were driving. Social influence was stronger when behavior was more observable" (p. 136).

You've probably heard the phrase, "Monkey see; monkey do." It's truer than you think and pretty much boils down to the idea that what we see others do acts as a trigger for our behavior. Why do you think grocery stores give away food samples? It taps into some part of our brain that signals us to want the same for ourselves. Are triggers the same for everyone? Absolutely not, but some triggers are more powerful than others and some are particularly formidable for those struggling with a specific urge or craving.

We can't escape asymmetric bias entirely, but wise people recognize what a powerful factor it can be for us in excusing our questionable behavior, while pronouncing judgment for the same conduct in others. Ever know a leader with a serious moral failing who condemns the same actions in others, yet continues the same deeds himself? How about a representative of our justice system who takes bribes? Or a physician or pilot with a drinking problem who condemns the same in others, but continues to abuse alcohol him- or herself?

Various justifications may be offered, most of which will center on reasoning that sounds like this: "That's not me. I'm not sure what was going on at the time, but I'm really not like that. I know people who really struggle with (substance abuse, infidelity, unethical behavior, etc.), but I'm not like that. I think I must have been (exhausted, depressed, overworked, stressed out, etc.)." Call it whatever you like, that kind of thinking is asymmetric bias and it's just one more way our brain helps us lie to ourselves in order to protect our ego.

What's the takeaway from all this?

1) Embrace humility. You probably don't know others as well as you think. They likely know you (and your characteristic behaviors) much better than you imagine.

2) Welcome opportunities to get feedback from others. If they suggest it might be better for you to leave the Oreos on the shelf in the grocery store, it might be good for you to listen. If they note that you (a married person) are spending a lot of time with an attractive co-worker, pay attention. If you've heard more than once that you seem to drink more than the average person, it's probably time to get serious about how much alcohol you imbibe.

3)  When it comes to others, test your assumptions. You might be right, but there is a strong possibility you're also missing some key points of information. Avoid jumping to conclusions.

4)  If you truly want to change your behavior, you need to be in a group of people who have the same goals and values as you. Weight Watchers, AA and the faith community are excellent examples of places where people go who truly want to change and recognize they need the support of like-minded folks. And just in case you're thinking that you're different . . . that you can do it by yourself . . . groups are great for others, but not necessarily for you . . . that's asymmetric bias kicking in.

Humility, honesty, admitting you need help from others . . . that's not easy. I guess I need to thank my kids more often for keeping me real and honest.

Gratefully yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

The Trouble with Hindsight

It's a funny thing about hindsight. Although we may say "hindsight is 20/20," it's actually much less accurate. My sister was here to visit with me this past weekend and two days with her reminded me of just how different our memories of the same event can be. We were talking about the way our mother so often dressed her in pink or some other pastel and me in blue, brown or red. She commented, "You and mom always picked out the pink fabric for me, even though I looked so washed out in that color. I never got to pick a color that looked good on me."

 

 

 

Now the part about her being dressed in pink, I do remember. With her naturally blonde hair and blue eyes, our mother thought she was perfect in pink. The truth is, she really looks sensational in warm colors--yellow, coral, orange, and tan, but she never got to wear these as a child.

The part about me having any say or influence about this, I do not recall. I remember myself as the perfect big sister, but that's the funny thing about hindsight. We tend to believe we recall the past with picture-perfect clarity, while others have difficulty separating their blurred perceptions from reality. Had I not been working on this article, I may have been tempted to discount what she said. 

Hindsight Bias
"Looking back, I think I knew something was wrong from the beginning. In fact, we probably should never have married. I don't think I ever loved Kyle the way a woman should love her husband."

"I don't believe we ever had that spark. Do you know what I mean? We were pretty compatible and she's a great mother, but we've never had the kind of passion I have with Bridget."

These are the kinds of things I've heard on numerous occasions in therapy as one partner explains to me why he or she is involved with someone else and thinking about leaving the marriage. You can label it as "re-writing history," or "living life in the rearview mirror," but these are just other names for what psychologists call "hindsight bias.

Hindsight bias is the tendency to believe we "knew it all along," or the inclination to see things in the present as more predictable than they actually are. According to Manejwala, it's a "bias that basically allows you to believe that, even though you recently acquired a belief, you really have thought that way for a long time" (Cravings, p. 54). It creates a lot of problems in intimate relationships gone awry. One partner will bring me past love letters, emails and even videos they received from their drifting-toward-a-divorce partner and demand, "Is he saying this is all a lie? Did he even mean these words at the time? What am I to believe?"

Of course, there's really no good way to answer these kinds of distraught questions other than to say that sometimes people rewrite history to justify a decision they are making in the moment. The perplexing thing is that they aren't able to recognize what they're doing. They really believe they felt or thought this way all along, even though there's plenty of evidence to the contrary.

But hindsight bias doesn't confine itself to intimate relationships. According to Manejwala, it can be a huge problem for those struggling with craving or an addiction. When this occurs most of us will explain away our self-destructive actions as if we knew what we were doing the whole time and were acting as we did for a reason (e.g., dealing with our depression, self-medicating, coping with work-related stress). In other words, although it might have been wrong, ill-advised or destructive, we knew what we were doing and did it for a reason. We foolishly believe that unlike others, we are immune to hindsight bias. Manejwala notes the following:

Research shows that people who are more vulnerable to the hindsight bias are more often concerned with their image, social desirability, and need for predictability and control. The hindsight bias helps you protect those beliefs (Craving, p. 54).

Have others described you as "controlling?" Do you have a strong need to present a positive image to others? Is it difficult for you to accept less than flattering parts of your personality or behavior? If so, you may be even more vulnerable to errors in thinking that prevent you from acknowledging or accepting another's perspective.

What can be done to sharpen our view? Welcoming the input of others in a non-defensive manner can help. The passage of time is also useful. Manejwala writes, "the further the dangerous behavior or event is in the past, the more likely we are to draw reasonable conclusions about it." He also cautions that time is not a guarantee we'll become more reasonable, but it's more likely.

Seeing my sister was so much fun, but it also had the added benefit of defogging my rearview mirror. I think we need to hang out together more often.

Thinking fondly of my sister, Mary, I remain ...

Dr. Jennifer Baker







 

The Problem with How We Think

I listened incredulously as my new acquaintance explained that the reason her four-year-old son left bite marks in my screaming toddler's arm was due to his need to "exercise his teeth." "I just think he doesn't know that when he bites down on some things, it can actually hurt," she explained.

"I know he was convicted of producing and selling child pornography," remarked the lady next to my husband on a Springfield-bound airplane about the mayor of her small town,"but I will say this about him, he always paid his bills on time."

When we hear things like this most of us shake our heads in disbelief--at least I did. It's difficult to comprehend how someone can discount an obvious problem in favor of what appears to be a narrow and naïve perspective. But it happens every day and most of us fall prey to this sort of thinking far more often than we might imagine. It's a trick our brains play on us known as "cognitive bias." I've written about this previously, but I thought it might be helpful to devote a few weeks to the many ways our brain tries to trick us into believing "our own reality" and the problems this can create.
 

 A couple of weeks ago I attended a continuing education event on Craving: Why We Can't Seem to Get Enough. Although the focus of the day was on addictions, Dr. Omar Manejwala, helped us to see the role craving plays in our everyday lives. (Ever crave chocolate, Jalapeño potato chips, or hazelnut coffee? Okay, maybe it's just me.)

As hard as it is to combat certain cravings, apparently our brains also trick us into false beliefs that make it even more difficult for us to overcome troublesome behaviors. It's not just those who struggle with alcohol dependence or drug addiction who succumb to such trickery. Apparently, all of us do in one way or another.

At the same time I attended the "Cravings" workshop, I was also reading Contagious, a New York Times bestseller on "why things catch on," i.e., what makes a product or idea gain traction, become a household word, or dramatically increase its market share.

One expert warns about the subtle power of craving and addiction. The other reveals how marketing experts use some of these same tendencies to their advantage. Apparently there are both positive and negative factors associated with the machinery of our brain. The secret is understanding the negative and using the positive to our advantage.

So What is Cognitive Bias?
"Cognitive bias" refers to our inability to process information without a bias of some sort. In many instances, this is a good thing as it helps us be more efficient with our thinking. According to Manejwala, our brains tend to "categorize rather than memorize." If we weren't able to do this kind of shortcut, it would take us much longer to recognize all horses as being similar in appearance, even though they may vary in size, shape and color.

At the same time, cognitive bias can also cause us to overlook important information, give ourselves way too much credit for making a good decision, take too little responsibility for our failures and shortcomings, and consider ourselves much smarter than we really are.

For instance, in Contagious, Berger notes the following:

People often imitate those around them. They dress in the same styles as their friends, pick entrees preferred by other diners, and reuse hotel towels more when they think others are doing the same. People are more likely to vote if their spouse votes, more likely to quit smoking if their friends quit, and more likely to get fat if their friends become obese. Whether making trivial choices like what brand of coffee to buy or important decisions like paying their taxes, people tend to conform to what others are doing (p. 128).

We are all remarkably influenced by the behaviors and actions of others around us--even when we think we are not. Their bias becomes ours. Sometimes this works in our favor; sometimes it does not. Either way, advertisers know this and use it to their advantage. 

So what are the kinds of cognitive errors that cause us the most problem? Here are more we will consider in the upcoming weeks:

• Hindsight Bias
• Asymmetric Insight
• Blind Spot Bias

If you're wondering about your ability to trust your own judgment, we'll consider that as well. While it is impossible for us to be unbiased, there are ways we can gain a more accurate perception and avoid cognitive distortions. In the coming weeks, we'll explore some of those things.

Until then, I remain, undoubtedly biased but willing to learn,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

P.S. My Main Man wants to ban the phrase "my unbiased opinion," but of course he's biased too.

Four Times a Month

"Preachy. I think it comes off as a bit preachy," said my Main Man in reaction to the first draft of this blog post.

"Really?" I said. "I tried not to make it sound like that. What do you think I should I do?"

"I don't know," he said.

"But I'm just reporting the research," I said.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't say it," he said, "but people don't like to hear that sort of thing, so be prepared."

So there you have it. I've come to the last of the "Power Nine Principles" identified by Dan Buettner in The Blue Zones and Thrive, but this one is tricky because it's most likely to produce some sort of defensive reaction--especially in those who are accustomed to valuing independence over the interdependence stressed in most faith communities.

The last several weeks I've been writing about what it takes to live a long, healthy and productive life based on the work of Dan Buettner, a National Geographic reporter, who reviewed volumes of research on longevity, consulted with experts from around the globe, and traveled the world to interview people living in areas that foster the greatest number of centenarians. These regions feature an unusually high number of persons still actively engaged in life well into their 80s, 90s and even beyond 100. Although these "blue zones," occur in very diverse cultures located in Europe, Asia, North America and Central America, most of the long-lived persons tended to share a number of common factors--something Buettner labels as the "Power Nine Principles."

Not surprisingly, aspects of diet and exercise are included in four of the nine, but five additional factors unrelated to food and physical activity are also critical to one's health and longevity. If you've been following from previous weeks you know they include having a good social support system, good relationships within one's family, practicing ways to reduce stress, and having a purpose for living. There is one more principle I have not yet discussed, namely the importance of participating in a faith community on a regular basis.

According to Buettner, "People who belong to a faith-based community--regardless of the particular faith--and attend at least four times per month may live as much as 14 years longer than people who don't (Thrive, p. 227). Apparently researchers are not sure if "churchgoing makes you happy or if happy people tend to be religious," but they agree that joining a faith-based community "stacks the deck in favor of happiness" (p. 169, Thrive).

I saved this principle until last, in part, because I know a number of people who might object. They've been hurt by a religious community. They no longer find the values and activities of the faith community where they grew up meaningful. They don't know how to go about becoming part of a faith community or know anyone religious with whom they want to associate. There are any number of barriers or challenges to making this part of their lives. For these people, even reading about this principle can create feelings of judgment, guilt or discomfort.

At the same time, I also know people who find great comfort, encouragement and support from the relationships they've made with people in their family of faith. The values of their faith and a relationship with a Being beyond themselves give them meaning and purpose. They are also much more likely to engage in any number of healthy behaviors. According to Dr. Gary Fraser (Blue Zones, p. 288), people active in a faith community are "physically more active, less likely to smoke, do drugs, or drink and drive. People who attend church have a forced schedule of self-reflection, decompression, and stress-relieving meditation, either through regular prayer or from sitting quietly during religious services."

Others have noted that religious communities tend to foster "denser social networks," higher self-esteem and self-worth, and more positive expectations.  All of these help to reduce stress, which contributes to greater health.

So what's the take away for those not actively engaged in a religious community?

Buettner suggests giving it a try and not giving up until you've experienced a number of different options. Once you settle on one that appears to be a good fit, he advocates that you join in, i.e., that you participate in one or more activities designed to help you become acquainted with others. It's not just visiting or observing that seems to make a difference. Those who become engaged with their faith seem to experience the greatest benefit.

And what about those who are already active participants with a family of faith? Well, they could share this post with their minister or clergy person. It might make a good sermon illustration.

Faithfully yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Living with Purpose

 

I wondered if the woman in pink sitting behind the counter in a small shop in Springdale, Utah was asleep when I approached the register, but she quickly came to life when she looked up and saw me. She reminded me a bit of my grandmother, but I was still surprised to hear her say she was 87 years old.

"It's not supposed to turn out this way," she said, and added, "It all goes too fast." She had my attention and I was in no hurry, so Mary Jane and I got better acquainted.

"I'm 87," she said, and I work five days a week, six hours a day. I used to work six days a week, but a couple of years ago she (I assume she meant the owner) thought I should have another day off. I live here next to my daughter in an apartment my grandsons built. I'm working to pay off my home in Idaho. If I can sell it, I will. If I can't, I'll keep on working."

"Do you enjoy your work?" I asked.

"Oh yes," she said. "I'm happy, even though I do miss the snow. It took me a couple of years to get used to that."

Mary Jane went on to explain that she had moved to southern Utah after she buried her husband of 62 years five years earlier in Idaho. Prior to that she had buried three sons--one was killed in an automobile accident leaving behind a wife and a baby; one committed suicide; and one died of cancer two months before her husband. She said she thought she would never get over her first son's death. "I thought I would never be warm again after my first son died," she said, "but I did."

Mary Jane demonstrated a lot of perseverance, determination and good humor in her life. When her husband was given two weeks to live at the "Old Soldiers' Home," she drove him home to Idaho by herself and nursed him back to health. He lived five more years. When at last he told her he was dying and that he would see her soon, she retorted, "Don't be so fast; I want to see the next generation."

Mary Jane has a lot of the next generation to see because she and her husband had 16 children--8 girls and 8 boys. Today those surviving children and grandchildren live all over the United States and Mary Jane has instructed them to start planning for her 90th birthday--her celebration of life, as she put it--in three years.

Reflecting on her years as a wife and mother, Mary Jane said, "I wonder if today's young people could do what we did. I washed our clothing on a washboard, kept the lanterns trimmed and lit, and kept the fire just right to bake my bread." She described years of moving, due to her husband's employment and life in an assortment of places most of us might find unacceptable today. At the same time she said, "But I was happy!"

Even today, at 87, working five days a week, I didn't hear even a hint of self-pity or discouragement. Mary Jane seemed very happy. "I don't drive," she said. "I walk a mile to work every day and ride the shuttle if I need to. I gave up my car because I couldn't afford it and I couldn't afford the gas, but it's fine. I have everything I need. I don't even take any medications."

"Do you mind if I take your picture?" I said.

"Not at all," she remarked and gave me a great big smile.

 

I wanted to reach across the counter and give her a big hug. I doubt that many of us would envy her circumstances, but most of us aspire to have her vigor and values. To me, she was a living, breathing example of the kind of folks Buettner talks about in The Blue Zones and Thrive, octogenarians and beyond, living healthy, productive and satisfying lives.

I may have purchased two shirts from Mary Jane, but she gave me an even better gift--the example of a life lived with gratitude, love and purpose.

Thinking thankfully of Mary Jane and others like her,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

"Go Slow Because I'm Not Coming Back"

Last Friday morning I got up very early and hiked to Scout's Landing in Zion National Park with four other women.

The Scout's Landing hike is an approximate 1000 foot climb spread out over a bit less than two miles. The October morning was magnificent and the views breathtaking as the five of us huffed and puffed our way up dozens of switchbacks, including the 21 famed "Walter's Wiggles."

Eventually we crested the last incline and found ourselves with a spectacular view of the peaks towering above, the canyon walls embracing us, and the sparkling Virgin River snaking its way among yellow aspen and Ponderosa Pine in the valley below. There we lingered as any number of fast and fit hikers clambered past us on their way to Angel's Landing--a treacherous climb requiring nerves of steel and the footwork of a mountain goat to avoid certain death from a sheer drop of 1400 feet. (According to a sign posted on the trail six people have died trying to reach Angel's Landing since 2004. None of us wanted to be the next.)

Our descent from Scout's Landing validated our decision to rise early and hit the trail in the early morning hours as we were met by throngs of hikers on their way up, eager to reach to the top.

Eventually, we reached the valley floor and climbed into our car. How we would have liked to linger, but it was time to move on. It was as we drove out of the park, windows down, drinking in the autumn air that I heard Ellen say, "Drive slow because I'm not coming back."

I'm not sure why she said it. Perhaps Ellen has other adventures on her bucket list. Maybe she knows this opportunity will not come around again. Whatever the reason, I think Ellen's words are a profound reminder to us all to slow down. Many of us, myself included, are goal-oriented, project-driven people. This behavior has its place, but too much emphasis on achievement and accomplishment and we miss the view, the experience, the wonder of it all.

How I wish I could say to the young couple in the throes of early love, "Drive slow because you're not coming back." How I would like to remind mothers of sticky-faced toddlers, "Drive slow, because you're not coming back." How I would like to encourage parents of pushing-the-limits, messy-roomed teens, "Drive slow because you're not coming back."

Maybe our day-to-day scenery doesn't appear to be as sensational as Zion National Park, but I can tell you from personal experience, Zion is full of rocks, desert terrain and cactus.

It can be an uncomfortable place to be. A lot depends on where you look and the time you take to inspect and experience what you see. I think that's a lot like life, which is why I'm going to do my best to remember Ellen's imperative, "Drive slow, because I'm not coming back."

Thinking thankfully of Ellen and doing my best to slow down,
Dr. Jennifer Baker

Out of the Flow

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I just feel rather "out of synch" with life. At these times, I can't quite put my finger on what the problem might be, but I continue to have an unsettling feeling that things are not as they should be. That's why it was somewhat reassuring to hear Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talking about the necessary factors for a flow experience, or as he would describe it "completely focused motivation . . . perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning."

When I learned more about what it takes to be "in the zone" or "on a roll," it was obvious to me why I sometimes struggle to be there.


1. Knowing What to Do -- If you want to experience "flow," you must know what to do, i.e., the next step. For a musician, it's the next note. For a chef, it's the next ingredient. For a surgeon, it's the next cut. For a dancer or athlete, it's the next step or action. In our day-to-day lives, it's sometimes much more difficult to discern what to do. When we struggle with uncertainty, we are not "flowing."

2. Knowing How to Do It -- Then there's the matter of skill or ability. It's not enough to know what to do, you also must be able to do it. For instance, a basketball player may know he needs to go for a lay up, but if he lacks the ability to execute this move, anxiety is more likely than flow. 

3. Knowing How Well You are Doing -- Feedback is critical for flow. If you want to be in the zone, you need to have some idea if your performance is on target. Is your pitch on key? Did the ball hit it's intended target? How does the soup taste? If you find yourself in a situation where it's hard to know how you're doing, to measure the impact of your efforts, then you will likely struggle with flow. It might be a good thing for parents, supervisors and spouses to remember--children, employees and partners all need to get feedback in order to feel good about their efforts.

4 & 5.High Perceived Challenges and High Perceived Skills -- According to Csikszentmihalyi, regardless of whether it's a game of chess or tennis, being fairly matched with one's opponent or task difficulty is key for flow to occur. Too little challenge, e.g., if your opponent is much weaker than you, and you're bored. Too much challenge and your anxiety increases to the point where your performance suffers and you may decide to give up altogether. We might think about that as it applies to daily life and work. Not enough challenge and you likely feel bored. Too much challenge and the stress can become overwhelming, especially if you feel your skills are not well-matched to the problems you are facing.

6. Freedom from Distractions -- When I got to this one I knew why I so often had difficulty achieving a flow-like experience in an average day at work. Amidst a constant stream of email, unexpected phone calls, charts piling up on my desk, and knocks at my door, I recognized one of the great enemies of flow--frequent interruption. If we want to experience flow, we must have distraction free zones for at least a portion of our day.

More Frequent Flow
More frequent flow is desirable for stress reduction and positive outlook, but how is this possible for an average person? Over the years, I've developed a few helpful strategies. While the things that work for me won't fit everyone, I will share a few I've found helpful.

Get up early enough to start the day alone and without interruptions. Even when our home was full of child-centered activity, those precious moments in the morning without the distraction of others generally helped me start the day in a positive and focused state of mind. Of course, night owls are free to try this at the end of the day, but rising late usually increases the likelihood one will begin the day with chaos. Morning people will find they also want to go to bed earlier if they make early morning quiet a habit.

Get to work before others arrive. To really get something done, I find that being alone at work, in the morning before others arrive, has great benefits. I can usually accomplish more in an hour at that time than I might the rest of the day.

Schedule time for flow activities you enjoy at work. Although much of my work is administrative, I still continue to do some therapy. As a therapist, I know what to do and I know how to do it. The problems are often significant, but I find my skills are generally up for the challenge. Best of all, during the hour I'm with a client, there are no distractions. I love it that no one can bother me during that time frame. When I'm focusing my efforts as a therapist, I'm often in the flow. At the end of the hour, I'm tired, but I also experience a deep level of satisfaction from having helped someone.

Save time for flow activities outside of work. To be at my best at work, I find I need to reserve time for flow activities at home. Working in the garden, hiking, cooking, reading a good book, sewing, and writing are all activities where I can lose track of time. If I fail to set aside time for one or more of these activities on a regular basis, I do feel out of synch. It's hard to concentrate at work and I often feel edgy or irritable. Funny how we need flow for work and for pleasure.

When do you experience flow? How do arrange your life to make time for it to happen? What suggestions would you give to others? Let me know and I'll share them.

Feeling more in the flow,

Dr. Jennifer Baker