You Know Me Better than I Think

Dashing to the bottom of the stairs I mentally armed myself to put a halt to the sibling rivalry breaking out on the lower level of our home. Weary of the incessant quarreling common between siblings, I was determined to bring it to a halt ... now ... with whatever means necessary. Imagine my surprise when our two kids burst into laughter at the sight of me, their mother, wild-eyed and prepared to restore civility and order at any cost. "Gotcha!" they gleefully shouted in unison.

What was going on? I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but once our children were old enough to recognize they could get an almost guaranteed reaction from me by starting a fight with each other, they occasionally used this habit of mine for their amusement. Basically, they initiated a "pretend" argument on another level of the house, and then waited until I dashed down the stairs to scold them, at which point they burst into gales of laughter. (Yes, I fell for this cunning maneuver more than once.) They thought they were so clever . . . and in some respects they were because they knew me better than I knew myself. It never occurred to me that my behavior, in light of their sibling quarrels, was so predictable as to be a source of entertainment for them.

In his book, Craving, Omar Manejwala discusses this very human characteristic known to psychologists as "asymmetric insight." Basically it involves the notion that we believe ourselves, to be somewhat unknowable or mysterious to others. Other people don't really understand what we're like or how we think. At the very same time, we are also inclined to believe that we possess unusual insight into the thinking, feeling and motivation of others. In short, they are knowable, but we are not.

 It sounds rather egotistical when you think about it, but most of us probably fall prey to this kind of bias almost every day. Marketing gurus know this so well they plan on us behaving in ways that are likely unknown to us, but obvious to them. For instance, you probably were not aware of the impact of "social influence" on your behavior, i.e., what you observe others doing affects you more than you realize. In Contagious: Why Things Catch On, Jonah Berger notes that "approximately one out of every eight cars sold was because of social influence" (p. 135).

What's more, if you live in a city where it's warm and sunny and easy to see what others are driving, it's even more likely you'll want a new car. Berger notes, "People were more influenced by others' purchases in places like Los Angeles and Miami, where it is easier to see what others were driving. Social influence was stronger when behavior was more observable" (p. 136).

You've probably heard the phrase, "Monkey see; monkey do." It's truer than you think and pretty much boils down to the idea that what we see others do acts as a trigger for our behavior. Why do you think grocery stores give away food samples? It taps into some part of our brain that signals us to want the same for ourselves. Are triggers the same for everyone? Absolutely not, but some triggers are more powerful than others and some are particularly formidable for those struggling with a specific urge or craving.

We can't escape asymmetric bias entirely, but wise people recognize what a powerful factor it can be for us in excusing our questionable behavior, while pronouncing judgment for the same conduct in others. Ever know a leader with a serious moral failing who condemns the same actions in others, yet continues the same deeds himself? How about a representative of our justice system who takes bribes? Or a physician or pilot with a drinking problem who condemns the same in others, but continues to abuse alcohol him- or herself?

Various justifications may be offered, most of which will center on reasoning that sounds like this: "That's not me. I'm not sure what was going on at the time, but I'm really not like that. I know people who really struggle with (substance abuse, infidelity, unethical behavior, etc.), but I'm not like that. I think I must have been (exhausted, depressed, overworked, stressed out, etc.)." Call it whatever you like, that kind of thinking is asymmetric bias and it's just one more way our brain helps us lie to ourselves in order to protect our ego.

What's the takeaway from all this?

1) Embrace humility. You probably don't know others as well as you think. They likely know you (and your characteristic behaviors) much better than you imagine.

2) Welcome opportunities to get feedback from others. If they suggest it might be better for you to leave the Oreos on the shelf in the grocery store, it might be good for you to listen. If they note that you (a married person) are spending a lot of time with an attractive co-worker, pay attention. If you've heard more than once that you seem to drink more than the average person, it's probably time to get serious about how much alcohol you imbibe.

3)  When it comes to others, test your assumptions. You might be right, but there is a strong possibility you're also missing some key points of information. Avoid jumping to conclusions.

4)  If you truly want to change your behavior, you need to be in a group of people who have the same goals and values as you. Weight Watchers, AA and the faith community are excellent examples of places where people go who truly want to change and recognize they need the support of like-minded folks. And just in case you're thinking that you're different . . . that you can do it by yourself . . . groups are great for others, but not necessarily for you . . . that's asymmetric bias kicking in.

Humility, honesty, admitting you need help from others . . . that's not easy. I guess I need to thank my kids more often for keeping me real and honest.

Gratefully yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker