She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Robert Hawkins has been a cattleman for as long as he can remember--his entire life actually. He grew up on a farm and when his father died suddenly while Robert was still a teenager, he carried on the operation with his brother until he was old enough to run the farm on his own. Robert is also in the construction business, but for the purposes of this article, we focused on his skills as a cattleman. 

Raising cattle is a long-term commitment. I know because I grew up on a farm and have some personal experience with what is required when your livelihood depends on how the livestock are doing. It strikes me that there are certain characteristics that define a successful farmer that may be common to a great relationship. I asked Robert, "What do you think a cattleman needs? What kind of person does he need to be?"

Take the Long-Term View. The first thing Robert mentioned was patience. He said, "If you don’t make any big mistakes, things usually get better in the long run. You need to be a long-term planner." Robert certainly took his own advice when he met and married Kim. They first met when she was a "skinny little 12-year-old" and he was a teen five years older. "We teased her and made fun of her then," he said, but later on he clearly changed his mind. The two of them have been a couple for 30 years and married for 24. 

"You’re going to have a bad day, month, or year every once in a while," he remarked, "I only plan on making a profit 3 out of 5 years." 

Now there's some great advice for a good relationship. Take your time. Be patient. Let things work themselves out. I wonder what a difference it would make if we applied the 3/5 ratio to our marriages. Of course we want it to be sunshine and roses every day, but that's just not realistic. There are those moments, those days, and sometimes even longer when it's necessary to take the long-term view in life and love. Cattlemen know this. We do well to remember it too.

A compatible partner is key. "It’s hard to survive without a good partner. In farming, she’s not just my wife, she’s a vested partner, a hired hand, and more. We each have multiple roles." With this statement, Robert clearly demonstrates his understanding of the importance of "making the right choice," i.e., taking the time to find a compatible person who shares the same interests. Robert loves farming and he loves Kim all the more because she does too. Had he not chosen carefully, the two of them might be miserable. Even so, sharing this love would not be enough if either of them were tied into rigid role expectations. Allowing Kim the freedom to do a number of things and fulfill a variety of roles is key to their happiness.

Have similar values. It's one thing to love the idea of country life. It's quite another to actually live it. According to Robert, this is the utmost in importance. He related a recent icy weekend when they had seven calves born during an ice storm. "We were both up until midnight—wet, cold and exhausted—and just happy as could be that we didn't lose any calves. And then, we still had to get up and go to work the next day." 

"I think it was one of the moments when you realize you married the right woman--when she milks a wild cow to help a baby calf survive. . . . Kim was a city girl who always wanted to be a country girl. The first time I had to help a fallen calf I knew I had struck gold, because she had afterbirth up to her armpits and was as happy as a clam.”

I wish more couples would give the significance of shared values serious consideration when they are contemplating marriage. Share the same interests and values and you have, as Robert says, "struck gold." It's not enough to find each other fun and attractive. It's much more important that you share the same values and beliefs. That's infinitely more likely to get you through a lot of cold and snowy nights out in the barn-- or other difficult places where couples might find themselves.

Good Stock:  A good cattleman looks for the proper genetic characteristics. Robert has approximately 100 head herd of the Beefmaster breed. This particular breed was developed by a Texas rancher who combined the Shorthorn, Hereford and Brahman breeds to get the characteristics for cattle that do well in cold winters and the hot, humid summers of Texas, Oklahoma and Missouri. In a similar way, if you want someone who will share similar interests and values, it's important to look for "good stock," i.e., someone with strong character and good family values. 

Robert agrees. "This makes a big difference when you raise children together. We could have sold our farm years ago, but we could not think of a better environment in which to raise our sons. We have raised three very responsible and well-adjusted young men."

At the same time, this doesn't mean that Robert and Kim think of and react to the world in exactly the same way. "Kim is a super-sensitive lover of life and she has a very hard time accepting the death of an animal. I’m an old callous cowboy with the idea that 'things die.' She thinks I’m insensitive at times. When we lose an animal, she takes it hard. We approach things differently. I need to remember this."

I love the way these two think. Perhaps that's why they've been such good hosts and role models for the new and expectant parents who attend our Hatching workshops. Together they bring a measure of tenderness and toughness that makes them hard to resist as a couple.

In summing up what he knows about farming and relationships, Robert had a few closing thoughts. "Learn to pick your battles," he said, "in business, farming, and relationships. I don’t fight every situation. On a farm, there’s always so much work to do that you have to choose what matters most, like good fences, the health of your cattle and so on. You deal with weeds, rocks, etc. later. We’re very open. We’re not afraid to talk. We bring it out. There’s no skeletons. We concentrate on what is key to success in life and love and get to the rest when we can."

I knew I liked Robert the first time I met him. Now I know why. He has a great handle on what's important in life and how to keep the main thing, the main thing. Plus, he married a wonderful woman.

Call me grateful for two terrific role models,

Dr. Jennifer L. Baker

Everything You Need to Know about Marriage from an Automotive Technician

You might not expect someone who married at age 17 to his same age girlfriend to know much about marriage. If you also learned he spent most of his life running a business devoted to auto repair you might be even more amazed, but that's the truth about Rick Hughlett, owner of Rick's Automotive. Last week I had a chance to visit with Rick on the connection between having a great relationship and maintaining your car. He shared some very helpful things.

Be Consistent.
As you might expect from a man who specializes in keeping vehicles in good running order, Rick has a lot of thoughts about the importance of consistency in terms of maintenance. According to Rick, today's automobile should run at least 200,000 miles if well maintained. 

"Don't wait until problems accumulate," he urges. "Take care of them when they are still small and you'll save time and money."  He also suggests this as a good principle for maintaining a great marriage. "Start early," he said. "Stay regular in the small, but important things if you want to keep going strong year after year." Rick went on to explain that from the very first he and his wife, Karen, took two vacations every year--one with the kids and one just with each other. He highly recommends this practice to other young couples--including his two daughters, emphasizing the importance of making the couple relationship a high priority.

Read the Owner's Manual.
What a great piece of advice many people fail to follow--myself included. Sure, I fish out the manual when I can't get the interior lights to come on or need to change the time on the clock, but I'm often guilty of just pushing around on some buttons until I achieve the desired effect. This may work with wind shield wipers or lighting, but it can be disastrous with auto maintenance. Waiting until the "check engine" warning lights up can leave little margin for error. "If people would just read the manual and do what it says," encouraged Rick, "they'd have a car that ran well for years. And so it also goes with marriage." 

But what is the owner's manual for marriage? For many people it involves the tenants of their faith, the Bible or their sacred scriptures. I can't think of a major world religion that doesn't support marriage, so this is often a good starting point. 

Sometimes folks want something more specific. In this case, there are many good books, DVDs, audio recordings, speakers, conferences, and workshops like we offer through the Murney Clinic. These can be very helpful to people who want to know more about "what's under the hood" and "how to keep the engine humming." You just need to be willing to acquire more information. It's a lot like learning about your automobile.

Turn Down the Radio and Listen.
I've heard it said that men will pay a therapist $100/hour to tell them what their wife has been telling them for years. I'm not sure about that, but I do know that in some respects, your mate has his or her own "manual." You just need to be willing to listen and pay attention.

This reminded me of some work one of Rick's technicians did on my car a few years ago. I'd had it in for some repairs with the dealer, but the car still had a funny noise that began when I reached about 35-40 mph and disappeared at speeds over 60 mph. I'd been told that everything was fine, but I knew it wasn't. Rick's technician drove the car, listened attentively, and nailed the problem. 

"Sometimes you have to turn off the radio and just listen," offered Rick. "We men are fixers. We want to take care of things. Over the years, I've learned that sometimes all my wife wants me to do is listen. In marriage, as with your car, you'll have a better idea of what to do about the problem if you listen first."
 
Plan Ahead--Realize Things are Going to Happen
 "When do you want to choose the person who will take care of your vehicle if you're in an accident and it has to be towed? Do you want to do that at the scene when the policeman asks you where you want it to be taken, or do you want to give it some thought ahead of time?"

He had me. I must confess I have given little thought to who would do my auto body work should I need a repair. And, yet, I also know that should such an unfortunate incident occur, it would be best if I had a place in mind.

Things happen. Life is like that, not only with cars, but also in relationships. People get sick, lose jobs, get promotions, move across the country, have two babies instead of one-- you get the picture. Those couples who do best plan ahead for the changes likely to come, and have a safety net in place for those they don't expect.

Get Advice from People You Can Trust.
If you've heard the ads for Rick's Automotive, you know that trust is a big deal for Rick. According to him, "If you want to drive your car for 200,000 miles, don't ask the guy who's driving the clunker how to do it. Ask the person who's driving a 10-year-old vehicle that is well-maintained and running smoothly down the road. That's the person to talk to." 

It's the same with marriage. I like to ask, "Whose marriage or relationship do you want yours to be like?" Those persons with a clear role model or two in mind, usually do the best. They know what they're trying to achieve. They've got a blueprint, of sorts, in their head and because they do, it's easier. If you don't know someone like this, I think Rick would strongly suggest you find them for your car and for your marriage. 

Do Something Extra
We were finishing the visit when Rick offered one more word of advice--a real gem. "Don't always look at it as maintenance," he said. "Do something extra for your car." 

He went on to explain that when you love your car, you do little things for it every now and then--buy something special for it, wash it and give it a good wax job. "When you wax your car," he explained, "you really get to know it. You understand it better. This kind of treatment helps it stand up to storms much better because it is loved and cared for." 

It was about then I thought maybe I should just move my office over to Rick's. He's a man "you can trust" to know the essentials of automotive maintenance and a great marriage. I'm thinking he might make a great co-therapist.

Motoring along,

Dr. Jennifer L. Baker

It's About the Adventure

Last Tuesday morning, Gabby (our photographer and marketing guru) and I went to Cooper's Clippers, a long-time barber shop in Springfield, to gain more insight for this series on Relationship Tools for Men. There we met Tom Cooper, barber, former Army Ranger, Cardinal enthusiast and avid sportsman. 

Tom is also married and the father of two. He loves to hunt and fish--something he says he always did with his dad.

Just one look at Tom's work station makes it clear what he loves. And, if you sit long enough and listen intently to what he talks about with his customers, you're even more convinced that he's passionate about hunting and fishing. While Tom doesn't consider himself an expert on relationships at all, he does know a lot more than he might imagine about what many men want in life.

Over and over again, Tom mentioned the word "adventure" and talked about how he needs this in his life. He gets this, in part, from the thrill of the hunt and the excitement of the catch. When a contest is involved, as was evident by a poster we saw at Cooper's Clippers, it's even more rewarding.

As he reflected on marriage and relationships, Tom mused, "Once you get married, the hunting is over . . . and yet men still need a sense of adventure and accomplishment to feel successful." Although Tom may not realize it, he's actually on to something key to keeping that "in love" feeling going long and strong in a committed relationship.

Monogamy without Monotony
Researchers tell us the longer two people are together, the more likely they are to fall into predictable ruts that provide a comfortable routine, but fail to generate the excitement and romance many couples crave—at least every now and then. Studies suggest couples who keep themselves open to new experiences and learning opportunities are more likely to preserve or reignite the “in love” feeling they enjoyed in the early days of their relationship.

Talking Can Sometimes Kill the Fun

Although most women I know figure talking to be an important part of recreation, men tend to focus more on activity. According to How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It, by Dr. Pat Love (yes, that’s her real name) and Steven Stosney, you can kill off a lot of the good times in your marriage by talking too much. The authors point out that while talking can be soothing to women, it may have the opposite impact on men. Stosney notes that talking about feelings can create physical discomfort for men. “There’s literally more blood flow to their muscles.” reports Stosney, “They get fidgety, and women think they’re not listening.” So while it’s necessary to be able to communicate well to solve the inevitable challenges that arise in marriage, it is something many people can get too much of, causing those loving feelings to go right out the window.

Love Style: Yours, Mine and Ours

There are many ways to show and experience love. The important thing here is to try new things together--things that may even feel a bit risky to one or both. Heading off to the woods might feel daring to some, but comfortable to others. Stepping onto a dance floor to take lessons could feel like the easiest thing in the world to one, and intimidating to the other. What's important is staying out of the rut, challenging yourself to try new things together. This is the kind of thing most likely to keep a relationship fresh and new.

If one or both enjoy they activity, they've both gained a new way to have fun. If either objects, the couple can continue to pursue other options until they discover activities both enjoy. Being willing to risk new experiences keeps fun alive and romance simmering.

On to another adventure,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Relationship Tools for Men: It's a Good Day for Fishin'

My father loved to fish. He could stand or sit for hours, fishing rod in hand, waiting for a fish to take the bait. He did most of his fishing in the Missouri Ozarks because that's where he lived, but when we traveled on family vacations he always packed his fishing gear. Be it northern Michigan or the Colorado Rockies, he wanted to be prepared to put his line in the water.

In the Spring of the year, he often convinced my mother to join him at the Glaize River when the white bass were running. On these excursions they spent the day and usually came home with a good reward for their effort. On many other occasions he was content to fish in the neighbor's lake or even his own pond. On these days the catch was not always as bountiful, but it didn't seem to matter.

"How was the fishing?" we'd ask.

"Oh the fishing was great," he'd reply. "The catching wasn't very good, but the fishing was great."

My dad's devotion to fishing exemplifies an element essential to a good relationship, namely commitment. Regardless of the weather, the setting or the outcome, my father demonstrated enduring devotion and continued commitment to fishing.

It reminds me of what Dr. Scott Stanley says about men and commitment. While, some people suggest that men are not capable of commitment, Dr. Stanley objects to this notion. He insists men do commit in a relationship--they just do it differently than women. 

Women, he says, commit to a man when they feel emotionally connected. This is typically much earlier than it would be for a man. In contrast, men commit when they believe they are building a certain future with someone. It takes longer for them to know this sort of thing, but once they do they are much more likely to sacrifice for the woman they love with a certainty they are investing in a future together.

In terms of relationships skills, it seems to me men could begin by giving themselves credit for the ability to commit. They need not discount the style or timing of their commitment just because it doesn't look like the typical female version. Rather, they would benefit from knowing they are just as capable of committing to a woman as a woman is to a man. The expression of that commitment, however, might appear a little different. According to Stanley, men with girlfriends to whom they may or may not be committed spend money on luxury items, trips  and entertainment. Men in a relationship with a woman with whom they intend to spend the future are much likely to spend money on things like washers, dryers and life insurance. Not very romantic, I know, but a definite sign of commitment. 

What does this have to do with fishing? 

Regardless of the Weather 

A true fisherman is committed to fishing in all kinds of conditions. This past Saturday morning, March 1, was the opening of trout season in Missouri. When the horn sounded sometime around sunrise, hundreds of fishermen cast their line into the water at Bennett Springs State Park. They didn't complain about the cold. They didn't worry much about the weather. They suffered the necessity of standing shoulder to shoulder with many other fishermen all for the sake of being present on opening day. This same sort of tenacity is required in a great relationship--good times and bad, comfortable or uncomfortable, just showing up and being present is a big deal. It demonstrates commitment.

Fresh Fishing Holes
Great fishermen like great lovers look for ways to express their devotion in assorted situations. For example, the true fishermen I know eagerly seek new places to cast their line into the water. I know someone who hikes for miles, fishing rod in tow, just for the possibility of casting her line into a new lake or stream. Expressing love and commitment to someone is the same sort of thing--you are often on the outlook for opportunities to let your partner know how much they mean to you. You keep your love fresh by expressing affection in unique and meaningful ways. 

Even When They're Not Biting
The best fishermen persist because they enjoy the process, even when the fish are not biting. Great lovers are the same way. They stay at it. They don't give up. Even when conditions are not right; they haven't had a nibble in hours; and they've tried any number of lures or flies; they stick with it. They may move their boat to another part of the lake or wade upstream to a deeper hole in the river, but they don't give up on trying to catch a fish because they love the process of fishing. 

Having a great relationship is a lot like that. Sometimes the fish aren't biting, i.e., things aren't going so well in the relationship, but great lovers persist. They try something different. They check in with other fishermen to see what the fish are biting on today. They move themselves in a different direction, but they stay with the process because they love their partner. They love the bigger picture and what the two of them are creating together. 

I'm not sure if there are streams to fish in heaven, but if there are I'd bet my father has his rod and reel in hand sitting on the bank with his line in the water. My mother, who he managed to make a fishing convert, may be sitting beside him. If I were to ask him now about how fishing compares to love and commitment, I bet he'd agree--regardless of the conditions, the location or the outcome, it's always a good day for fishing and loving.

Dr. Jennifer Baker

When Bad Things Happen

For any number of reasons, this is a blog I didn't want to write, not the least of which is that I wish the horrible thing that happened in Springfield last Tuesday had never happened. The abduction and murder of an innocent 10-year-old girl by a man she didn't know is almost too horrible to comprehend. When it was later discovered that the accused was employed at a school within our district for 17 years, we were both shocked and horrified. Our feelings of safety and security were shattered. Many wondered if they would ever allow their young children to play outside again. 

Added to the feeling of helplessness was the fact that many of us were so aware of the unfolding drama. We heard the Amber alert go off shortly after 7:00 p.m. We watched the news unfold and became aware that the kidnapping had been witnessed by people who tried to intervene. (How often does that happen?) We were familiar with the neighborhoods where the events unfolded. Later that night we learned it wasn't good. The next day, folks all over the city went to work and school with heavy hearts and mixed emotions--sadness, confusion, fear, apprehension and anger. It was a difficult day.

In the days to follow I did two different interviews with news media, specifically focused on what we should tell our children. We don't want to give them nightmares, but how do we keep them safe? What do we do when something so senseless, evil and unpredictable occurs right in our midst? How do we help our kids cope when we are having trouble ourselves? We wonder how can we ever trust anyone again.

Sadly, this is not the first tragedy I've helped with. There have been other children and adults I know who have experienced the inexplicable. I've learned some things from my training and those experiences, but I certainly don't know everything. All the same, people I care about have asked that I write something this week that might be helpful. So, in the interest of contributing some small measure of comfort, I offer what I can here.

Encourage Compassion. I believe one of the best ways to handle our mixed emotions in a difficult time is to focus on compassion. How can we bring kindness and comfort to others? What small things might we do to ease their distress? I've heard about a number of ways people in our community are doing this and, when age-appropriate, I think it's also an excellent way to refocus our children's attention from the grizzly deed to showing love toward others. This story hits home because it literally happened in our backyard. There are many other dear children, equally precious to their parents, who die every day from gang violence in our cities or starvation and disease in other parts of the world. Helping children to connect the dots between this loss and the sadness in other parts of the world, helps them live beyond themselves. Perhaps you might also want to make a donation to World Vision or some other agency in remembrance of Hailey Owens. 

Emphasize Courage. A moderate amount of caution is critical to self-preservation, but too much fear is crippling and disabling. Having worked with worried and anxious people in therapy, I think the last thing we want to do is instill more fear in our children. Do we remind them about "stranger danger?" Of course! Do we review rules of personal safety? Certainly! But teach them to fear everyone they don't know and worry about a predator on every corner . . . absolutely not! Instead, we can help to focus their efforts on working toward making this a safer community for all of us, no matter where we live. You could ask the following: 

• "What would you do if you saw your friend doing something you thought was not safe?" 
• "What kinds of things do you think kids should know to be able to handle uncomfortable situations?" 
• "Who would you talk to if you saw something you thought might be dangerous at school, at home or in the neighborhood?"

 

Refocus Your Attention. There's something about a tragedy that causes many of us to become media-obsessed with every detail associated with the unfolding story. After 9-11 many people were glued to their televisions for hours and days. Today we include social media in the mix so that we have minute-to-minute updates on what is happening as well as the reactions of others to the event. 

Some of this is helpful; much is not. It's almost as if we think that if we could just understand it enough, if some little tidbit were to be revealed, if new details came to light then ... oh then ...we would understand. And, if we understood, perhaps we could prevent it or somehow turn back the clock. But, of course, that's not really possible. Having dealt with many grieving, still-in-shock people, I've seen this kind of thinking with some frequency. In some ways it's normal. We all have a strong need to feel in control, and when something uncontrollable occurs in our world, it's terrifying. It's as if we could bring meaning to our experience, then somehow we could feel safe again. Some of this processing is normal and necessary, but sooner rather than later--we need to turn our attention to other things. 

There is good going on in the world. The sun came up and brought warmer temperatures to us all this past week. The stars still twinkled in the dark night sky and the moon was beautiful. I experienced the love of family and friends. I was encouraged by the kind faces of people with whom I work. These things, and many others, bring joy to my everyday life. I don't want to miss these blessings. I don't want to be so focused on evil, that I miss the treasure of today. If I do, then the bad wins out over the good every time. My faith leads me to live with the knowledge that bad things do happen. Evil is present in our universe. At the same time, my faith teaches me that good is more powerful. It is greater than any darkness. This life is sometimes sad and troubled, but in the end, I believe that good will win.

Focusing on the good, 

Dr. Jennifer Baker