Let’s face
it. Celebrating the holidays can be very stressful and depending on your family’s
background and traditions, the tension can last for weeks. Even if you are able
to keep plans for your festivities reasonable, you still have to cope
with the behavior and expectations of others. Just trying to find a parking place
near your favorite store can be a hassle on December days when every space is
taken. This kind of stress is peripheral to the pressure we may feel from
family to perform in a certain way (gatherings, gifts, etc.) on specific days
like Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Some folks I know spend a majority of
their time shuttling their offspring between households of extended family
regardless of weather conditions, sleeplessness and exhaustion because it is
expected they will do so. A perfect storm of stressors begins to build for many
families around this time of year and often reaches a boiling point right at
the time we long to be “merry and bright.”
Christmas
Amnesia
Because this
“holiday hoe down” happens every year, we ought to be smarter about planning
for it and preparing to alter the course of our behavior, but most of us don’t.
Bill Doherty, author of The Intentional
Family, refers to this phenomenon as “Christmas amnesia” and notes that it
is akin to “women forgetting the pain of childbirth soon after delivery. It is
an amnesia that helps to populate the earth and keep the tradition of family
Christmas alive.” We could make plans to do things differently, to allow for
demanding people and difficult situations, but we often disregard our
discouragement, delay making plans to do something different, and delve back
into the same dilemmas a year later. This year, why not plan to do something different.
Be
Honest about Discouragements
There’s no
time like the present to take a few notes about what discourages you most. You
may not be able to extricate yourself from some holiday hassles this year, but
the hope of doing something different next year can help sustain you. While the
feelings and thoughts are fresh, write them down. This will be critical in
March and April when Christmas amnesia is likely to set in.
You know
that celebrating the holidays can have its anxious moments. You’re aware there
are some people—often those to whom we’re related—who will be difficult. If you
are the person in charge of seeing that the holiday happens for your clan
(Doherty refers to you as the “Christmas Coordinator), then recognize you need
help. The key to all these realizations is planning for changes before the season heats up and then letting others know early
and often about the changes that will occur. What might that entail?
Developing
Solutions for Old Dilemmas
If you are
the Christmas Coordinator you’re very likely to assume a martyr role as the
holiday approaches, doing more and enjoying it less, while your spouse and
family sit on the sidelines and watch you work. Here are some suggestions to
assist you in altering that behavior.
1) Involve
other by asking for help with specific tasks. Instead of saying, “I need help with the
shopping;” say “I need you to purchase the gifts for your brother and sister.
I’ll give you the list at least six weeks in advance.” Rather than bemoaning that you “always have
to do all the decorating,” say “I need you to get all the boxes out of storage
and set up the tree the day after Thanksgiving.” Others are much more likely to
respond when they know exactly what they need to do to assist and how much time
it might take.
2) Respect
the old, but try something new. As families grow they include others, e.g., a new brother-in-law
or sister-in-law, who will have new traditions. Take the time to discover how
they celebrate. Do they exchange names for gift giving versus buying something
for everyone? Do they swap “white elephant” presents in lieu of something more
serious? Consider how you might honor the traditions of new members while
trimming back some of the old.
3) Discuss
gift exchanges and holiday travel well in advance. If you want to spend Christmas
Eve or Christmas morning in your own home and this challenges the expectations
of others, tell them early (e.g. in July) and often (repeated monthly if
necessary) about your plans. Expect change back messages on the part of other
when you do this, but hold firm.
It’s not easy to make changes in family routines and rituals, but
it is possible. Challenge yourself to think about the memories you want both you and
your loved ones to have as they recall Christmases past. Will what you’re doing
now cause them to remember you more like the happy and fun-loving Buddy in the
Christmas movie Elf or someone more
akin to the Grinch who stole Christmas? It’s really up to you.
Merrily yours,
Dr. Jennifer Baker
*In the interest of preserving my own Christmas spirit, this post is an update of one that originally appeared a few years ago.
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