Giving Them Wings

“Why not Europe,” I questioned? “Other kids go to Europe.”

“I don’t want to be like other kids,” she said. “I want to go to India. I think this is something I’m supposed to do.”

“Besides,” she continued, “I probably won’t be picked. There are a whole bunch of students who want to go and I'm one of the youngest."

Even today I can recall this particular conversation with great clarity. We were driving in the car when she introduced the topic. I was proud and pleased with the young adult she was becoming, but I hadn't prepared myself for this. What should I say? How would I respond? What are parents to do when they strive to raise a confident and independent child, who then announces a decision that causes them to shudder?

The Perils of Protection
I’ve read quite a bit lately about the perils of over-protecting our children. Parents hear so many horror stories these days that it’s easy from them to want to keep their children on 24-hour surveillance long after that sort of supervising is appropriate.

It often begins with a baby monitor signaling them at any moment of the day or night of their child’s discomfort, and continues with cell phones that function almost as an umbilical cord when children go off to college.

While these sorts of inventions have made some kinds of communication easier and more convenient, they also have inadvertently created a context in which it’s more difficult for children to learn to function independently. In some, they have created a “crisis of confidence” in terms of kids learning to problem solve on their own.

 If we want our children to develop into mature, responsible adults, they must be given room and space to make mistakes, to fall down, to pick themselves up, pull themselves together and move on. It’s not always easy to know exactly what kind of latitude a child needs. When does a parent stand back and watch? When does he step in and set some limits? When does she rescue? At what point is, “No,” most appropriate?

We struggled with these same questions when our daughter declared her intention to go to India. I wanted to be the kind of mother my mother had been to me -- sending me off to school several hundred miles from home with lots of encouragement and "you'll be fine." She sent me letters once a week and called occasionally. I'm was homesick, but I lasted until November without a visit. I learned only many years later how much she missed me and how hard it was for her when I left home. She loved me enough to let me go. 

Off to India

Not surprisingly, our daughter was selected as one of eight students from the university to study abroad in India. Eventually, given her willingness to assume a portion of the cost and the oversight we believed would be provided by the university, we said yes to her request – but not without some fear and trepidation. We also endured criticism from a number of other parents: “How could you let her go? It's dirty and dangerous in India. Why not Europe?” 

 

Nevertheless, I took her to the airport in early December and she flew off to India for about five months. She stayed in Nagercoil where roosters awakened her early every morning, ate cereal crawling with ants in Madurai, studied in university classrooms  in Madras where the monkeys stole through open windows and pilfered her lunch, and contracted a nasty intestinal bug requiring a visit to a local hospital in Calcutta with less than ideal standards to get an IV. 

 “I would have told you,” she said in an email, “but I didn’t want you to worry.”

I spent my first Christmas without her, cringing when we received an email saying she had gotten her nose pierced. I worried about her health.

 

In May, she came back home to us safe and sound, looking thin, but better for the experience. She had a much greater appreciation for the struggles of a developing nation. She learned she could do things she never imagined. Her problem solving skills increased exponentially.

Today she is the mother of four adorable little girls. I'm guessing she will have her own struggles with allowing them to be independent, but I hope she’ll have the courage to let them go a few years from now when they want to spread their wings and fly. And then again, given their DNA, she might not have a choice. 

Taking flight,

Dr. Jennifer Baker