Quitting

When my Main Man suggested I read a book about quitting, I thought he might be trying to send me a not-so-subtle message.

"I'm not a quitter," I said. "I persist. I keep going. I don't give up."

"I know," he said, "that's why you need to read this book."

I started to read the book. I didn't like it very much. It seemed to run counter to much of what I believe about life, living and the importance of persistence. Maybe I just don't like to read things when I feel uncomfortable.

"Keep reading," he said. 

Because I'm not a quitter ... because I'm prone to persist ... I kept reading and/or listening. (Did I mention that I'm a big fan of audio books? This is one of those.)

I'm not quite through with the book, but I have read enough to have come to the place where I can say the authors, Peg Streep and Allan Bernstein, have some worthwhile things to say--things I need to remember which you also may find helpful. Here's a brief overview of some of the highlights.

• Being able to quit on pursuing some goals is essential to helping you move forward to reaching others. Another way to think about this is the way some of us wallow in failure or what's gone wrong. When we do this, we're stuck. We don't have the freedom we need to move on. According to Streep and Bernstein, "Failing without quitting diminishes the self and often incapacitates our ability to act. Without the ability to give up, most people will end up in a discouraging loop" (p. 4).

• The happiest and most successful people are those who are able to both persist and quit. They have the ability and wisdom to discern what is needed when.

• Quitting can be both a healthy and adaptive response when a goal cannot be achieved or life takes you in a direction you had not anticipated.

When I was in training to be a marriage and family therapist, one of my supervisors told me something I've found very useful. "If you want to help people," he said, "find out where they have a white-knuckled grip on what they think they need to be happy and help them loosen their grip." 

Notice, he didn't say, "Help them to identify other goals. Help them to find better strategies to reach their goals. Help them persist in the face of overwhelming odds." 

Rather, he indicated that sometimes, the very fact we are holding on to something so tightly our "knuckles are white" with the effort, we probably need to loosen up, let go ... consider quitting. I know that sounds terrifying to some. I'm not very fond of it myself, which is why I plan to write more on this subject next week.

Until then, I'd like to note that winter seems to finally be loosening it's grip on all of us. I'm glad and I hope you are too.

Loosening up,

Dr. Jennifer Baker