Unexpected

“I have a question I want you to think about,” my Main Man said as he tossed pillows on the bed.

“What’s that?” I asked, continuing to pull up the quilt and smooth out the wrinkles.

“At the end of the day,” he continued, “I want you to tell me something surprising that happened to you today.”

“Really,” I questioned, “Why’s that?” (This is definitely not the kind of conversation my Main Man and I have in the midst of the morning bed making. What could he be getting at?)

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just thought of it. I thought it might be better than the usual, ‘How was your day?’ I thought you might notice something different.”

Well, he had me there. At the moment I was thinking the most surprising thing about my day was likely to be his request. That was unexpected already. I didn’t want to raise his expectations for something more.

“Alright,” I warned, “I’ll try but your question but it may be it … the most unexpected thing of my day.”

His query actually reminded me of a question I have posed many times in therapy.

“Tell me about a times in the last week when the problem did not occur,” I’d ask, “for example, when you didn’t argue, forget to mow the grass, or get to work late? What was different about those days?”

The typical response?  People usually look at me in confusion. They think I need to know all about the problem. They go to great lengths to explain what occurs when the problem happens (their teenager mouths off to them, their spouse is grumpy, they feel depressed, their seven-year-old brings another note home from the teacher). They usually also can expound at great length about why they think the problem occurs, e.g., he’s just like his Uncle Ralph; her mother struggled with depression; she doesn’t have many friends.  These theories, however justified, usually don’t bring us closer to the resolution of the problem. They’re like an impressionistic painting of the problem more than a photograph. If you want to address the concern, it’s often more helpful to gain a different perspective.

Since we humans are mostly programmed to notice problems or concerns more than a positive occurrence, it will take some intentionality to make this happen – like noticing what is different about the time when the problem is not happening. What is different about those times? If you had a big row with your spouse on Tuesday and Friday nights, what was different about Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday? If the note from the teacher came home on Wednesday, what was different about all the days last week when there was no note? If your teenager was disrespectful on Monday night, what was different about the days when he spoke to you in a different tone of voice?

Frankly, it’s not easy to notice exceptions to a problem. A lot of people struggle. Even when I say, “If you can’t think of an exception, tell me about a time when the quarrel with your mate didn’t last as long or your son was less rebellious than usual, it still seems hard to get a response.

It’s important, though, because if we look for problems, we’ll always see those. If we focus on exceptions to the problem – the good that’s going on when the problem is not happening – we’re more likely to see something different.

I’m still on the outlook for the unexpected today. I’m not sure what it will be, but if I keep looking, I bet I’ll find something.

Unexpectedly yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker