What's Your Pattern?

It's Tuesday night and I've just completed four hours of back-to-back therapy sessions plus an additional hour of paperwork. Unhappy couples, stressed out parents, troubled families and rebellious kids--I've seen it all and I'm tired. I head home to my family, only to find them either absorbed in their own interests or needing something from me. It's not that they're cold or uncaring; It's just that I'm the wife and mom. My homecoming is perceived by them as an opportunity for me to function in one of those roles--not as an opportunity for me to prop up my feet and be asked if I need a cup of tea. 

What do I do? I typically have a large bowl of ice cream. It seems like a great idea at the time--a way to be nice to myself by having as much as I want. Tomorrow, I think . . . I can always count calories then.

I share this pattern of mine from several years back because it's a good example of a routine that developed over time not in response to actual hunger, but rather as a reaction to a physical and emotional need. It's also exemplifies why dieting alone fails to work for many people. I didn't really eat because I was hungry. Rather, I ate because I was tired, a little bit lonely and feeling like I wanted to be nice to myself when others were unaware or indifferent to how I might be feeling. 

Other folks drink, smoke, shop online, play computer games, camp out on the couch, or "live" on the internet for similar reasons. While some behaviors truly are detrimental, most done in moderation are not a concern. The challenge occurs when we engage in a behavior to the point where it does create problems for our physical, emotional and/or relational health. Then we need to think about changing.

One of the most helpful things I've read about changing our behavior is written by Charles Duhigg. In The Power of Habit, Duhigg lays out the framework for changing any habit in the following four steps:

1. Identify the routine.
2. Experiment with the rewards.
3. Isolate the cue.
4. Have a plan.

For me this meant first identifying the routine associated with my big-bowl-of-ice-cream fixation. As you can see from the description above, it had a lot to do with arriving home around 9 PM after 4-5 hours of mentally and emotionally exhausting work and feeling that I wanted to be nice to myself in some way. 

If I wanted to change the routine, I was clearly going to have to come up with something to take the place of Rocky Road ice cream, one of my favorites.

I recognized the cue (arriving home after a long day of work), but it wasn't simply arriving at home since I did that every other day of the week and didn't feel the same compulsion to eat then. Since I didn't necessarily want to stay out all night or make reservations at a hotel on Tuesday evenings, I needed to come up with an acceptable alternative. 

Fortunately, my Main Man, although initially unaware of this pattern, was willing to be part of experimenting with alternative possibilities. On at least two different occasions for a period of several weeks, we took dancing lessons. This required me to leave the paperwork to the next day, hop in the car with him and drive to our lessons a good 20-30 minutes away. After that, we spent the next hours trying to master the moves of the fox trot, swing and rumba. On other occasions, we simply left our teens to tend to themselves in the house and took a good long walk with the dog. On nights like these, ice cream looked much less attractive. It turns out that what I really wanted and needed was not ice cream so much as human interaction and activity where someone would listen and do something fun with me.

If you've decided that now is the time for you to take some steps toward positive change in  your life, I'd like to suggest that over the next week you observe your pattern. What is the context of your troublesome behavior? What kinds of activities and emotions are associated with the thing you'd like to change? Don't necessarily try to change anything yet. Just pay attention to what's going on with you, what you're feeling before you do it and how you feel after. 

And, if you're really serious about making a change, I strongly suggest you click on the link below and watch the short, but very well done clip by Duhigg. Even better, read the book or listen to it on Audible. I think you'll find it to be intriguing and helpful.

http://charlesduhigg.com/how-to-break-habits/

Changing patterns,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Moment of Truth

Last week I had a funny experience over at the Chesterfield Family Center.  I had just changed into my bathing suit for water aerobics and was heading for the pool when a lady at an adjoining  locker smiled and said, “Hi Jennifer.”

I’ll admit it, I’m not good with names, but her voice did sound familiar and I thought I recognized her face … at least a little. A few minutes later she hurried into the pool area and jumped into the water. I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t get over the fact that she acted as though she knew me and there was definitely something familiar about her. Who was this woman?

I worked my way over to a position near to her in the water and took a better look. She definitely looked like someone I had seen before, and yet different. Finally I asked if she had lost weight or had a twin sister who once attended water aerobics. She laughed and said she had lost a total of 105 pounds since last February, but due to a family emergency hadn’t been to class for three months. When she came every week, I hadn’t noticed the difference. When she missed for three months, there was a definite difference.

“How did you do it?” I said.

“Weight Watchers,” she replied.

“How did you get yourself to go,” I asked. To me, that’s the really important question. There are a number of ways to lose weight—some better than others, but what I really want to know is what gets a person started down a new path when they’ve been going a different direction most of their life. Most of us know a different path, a better path is available, but what causes us to put one foot in front of the other going in a new direction and then keep going day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year?

“Well,” she said, “I went to my doctor and had my yearly. He told me, like he does every year, that I was doing fine for now. Normally he goes on to say I need to lose weight, but this year he handed me a brochure and asked me to consider gastric bypass. That made me mad." 

"It was just before Christmas so I didn’t say anything to my husband until January. Then I told him how angry I was because the doctor must think I was stupid not to be able to control the food I put in my mouth . . . and then I stopped and thought maybe I did have a problem.”

“After that I said I was going to Weight Watchers, but I kept putting it off … getting into the new year … my sister’s birthday coming up … finally, my husband suggested I was stalling, just putting it off and that I would never go.”

“Alright,” I said, “and I went. I was mad about going, but I went. It was okay. I decided to go back.”

"How did you keep with it?" I wondered.

"Well, I made the mistake of telling my kids. All their lives I've told them that if they started something, they needed to finish it … like if they started a team and decided they didn't like to practice or play, they still had to finish the season. Well, once they knew I was working on a program to lose weight, I knew I couldn’t quit. So, I stayed with it. Eleven months later I have lost 105 pounds."

"It hasn't been easy. I still did all the baking at Christmas time for our family, but instead of putting those goodies in my mouth I thought, ‘What do I want more? Do I want that (which lasts for just a bit), or do I want the new me?’ It made a difference.”

Her story got me to thinking. Most of my adult life I have been interested in what helps people change. I’ve been a teacher and I know education helps people change, but it often doesn’t seem to be enough when it comes to behavior. We often know what to do; we just don’t do it.

As a mental health professional, I have worked with many people to help bring about change in their behavior, their relationships, their work or their family. I know how hard it can be to alter something about yourself that you find problematic. It's not always easy, but I know there are definitely positive steps we can take to make it easier. 

What's on your list for improvement? Common things include—

• Losing weight
• Becoming more physically active
• Being more organized
• Procrastinating less
• Improving an important relationship
• Eliminating certain troublesome behaviors (e.g. smoking)

To get yourself started, it helps to have a wake-up call. So, I'm wondering what yours will be? What will it take to motivate you? What would get you started down a new road—one that requires a change in your routine, possibly cost you time and/or money, and may make you uncomfortable from time to time? Could it be ...

• Stepping on the scales, looking in the mirror, or reviewing old photographs?
• A visit to the doctor, high blood pressure or finding out you are pre-diabetic?
• Losing track of an important document or missing another deadline?
• Disappointing someone you care about or being written up at work?
• Poor communication, tension and stress in a relationship with someone you love?

 What will happen if you don’t change? What could happen if you do?


Sincerely,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Change: "What's Your Favorite Color?"

A few days before Christmas our son, aka "Our Boy," sent us this photo of himself and his sons sitting in the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport en route to Minneapolis to visit his wife's parents for Christmas. (Our daughter-in-law, not in costume, declined to be photographed.) Now here's the thing about our son--he goes about life with a great "joie de vivre" evident in almost everything he does. He is an assistant principal at an elementary school where he handles any number of administrative duties, but his mantra tends to be, "If you can't have fun doing it, why bother?" Thus the Buddy the Elf get-up in an airport full of anxious, weary travelers at Christmas time. 
  I've seen videos of Our Boy riding up to school on his bicycle in a large chicken suit, sitting with his chicken feet propped up on his desk, and cheering the school children on with flapping feathers all to encourage more reading.

 
 

I suspect he gets this characteristic from his father, my Main Man. Back when unemployment was soaring and the economy tanking, he purchased orange corduroy pants, an orange striped shirt and an orange tie to wear as an ensemble to school one day just to give the parents, kids and teachers something to smile about. Accessorized with his green down vest, I thought he looked just like a giant walking carrot. People smiled alright. I just hoped they didn't lock him up.

What does this have to do with change? The truth is not everyone is crazy about an elf in an airport at Christmas time or someone in a chicken suit, flapping his feathers and cheering. Some thoughtful, contemplative, private folks would NEVER consider drawing attention to themselves in a potentially unseemly manner. They simply don't think it's appropriate. They don't see the point. They might agree with the extroverted personality on a common goal--using one's resources to bring greater joy and happiness to others, but they clash when it comes to how that is to be accomplished. Clashes are likely to occur when you get these personality polar opposites together and they often set out to prove the other is inappropriate or wrong. They may even try to change each other. I know because I am definitely not the kind of person to wear a costume in an airport or dress from head to toe in bright orange. My attempts at changing either of these two extroverts have mostly failed, which is as it should be. Their change is not up to me.

Are there consequences associated with being a raging extrovert? A quiet introvert? Something in between? Probably. Should people try to change some aspect of their behavior or personality--tone it down, rev it up, modify the extremes? Possibly. It might be in their best interest, but modification is likely to come only when an individual decides change is necessary. 

Your spouse might want you to modify your diet and lose a few pounds and it truly might be in your best interest to do so, but unless you commit to this change it will only be a source of conflict and resentment. Your employer may insist on certain health habits, e.g., not smoking on campus, but unless you believe you need to quit smoking your efforts will be lackluster at best. In short, unless you want to change, believe you need to change and are convinced that change is in your best interest, a successful outcome is unlikely. Others may act as a resource, offering encouragement, support and strategies when your motivation is low and your zeal flagging, but ownership of the problem, the need to change, can be yours alone.

Next week I'll begin outlining some specific steps and strategies to positive change, but before we take that next step it seems important to take one more look around and determine the following:

1) Is there something I need to change? How do I know this? Who says?
2) Am I willing to make the commitment to do so?  Sacrifice the time, energy, resources and comfort of my current ways?
3) If I don't make this change, what are the potential consequences? Who will it affect or impact? Who will be the biggest loser?

Answer these questions and those of us who are ready will get started in a new direction next week.

Sincerely, 
Dr. Jennifer Baker

Change

There are some kinds of change we find exciting and inviting.

"I've been thinking about changing the color of our bedroom."
"What do you think about changing cars, maybe to something a little sportier?"
"Let's change our vacation plans and go somewhere different this year."
"What would you think about going to a Thai restaurant for a change, instead of Mexican?"

Other kinds of change may initially sound exciting, but seem less attractive over time.

"I'm going to join a fitness center and go at least four times a week."
"I want to start eating a healthier diet--less fast food, more fruits and vegetables."
"I want to stop smoking."
"I want to get to bed earlier and get more sleep."

What's the difference? Ron Heifetz, author of Leadership Without Easy Answers, refers to the first of these as "technical change." These kinds of changes are the easiest to make. Perhaps that's why we tend to relish and embrace them. The second kind of change, what Heifetz's calls "adaptive change," is much more difficult. Implementation of this kind of change requires new learning and is much more challenging. Perhaps that's why we resist.

Every year many of us resolve that this will be THE YEAR we will change in some significant way. Although we may make fun of New Year's resolutions, it turns out they may be more significant than we may think. I recently read an article suggesting that those who make resolutions at the beginning of the year are more successful in achieving and maintaining their goals than those who resolve to make changes at some other time. It's just one study and more research is certainly needed, but it has made me continue to wonder what creates and sustains successful change in our behavior. 

Let's face it, at some point in our life, most of us want to alter our behavior in some way. We may want to be more organized or punctual. We may resolve to spend less time on social media, or stay in touch with our friends on a more regular basis. Many want to shed a few pounds and/or increase their activity level. For some, the desire to change is provoked by a look in the mirror or a review of old photos. Others are persuaded through a visit with their physician and a life-changing diagnosis. An ultimatum from a spouse or employer could be the motivation for others.

Over the next few weeks we will be considering important factors related to changing our behavior. There's much to ponder, but for now I'd like to focus on one thing, namely, your goal or goals. What do you really want to change or accomplish? What will you be doing differently when you're succeeding? What would a film crew following you around be recording?

For example, many people say they would like to write a book, or even that they should write a book. And yet, very few of those folks actually end up writing much of anything on a regular basis. It seems they like the idea of being an author, but they don't actually care much for the process of writing. Having written a couple of books myself I can tell you from experience writing can be a real drag some days--like trudging uphill carrying a couple of five-gallon buckets of water in eight inches of snow. In fact, I'm not all that certain I'll ever write another because the process requires that I give up so many other things I would rather do. It's nice to have your name on the cover of a book, but I'm not always sure it's worth the sacrifice. So do I really want to write another book, or do I just like the idea of being published?

Tim Miles, author of Good Company, Making it--Keeping It--Being It, writes the following: "Are you willing to put your head down, make a choice and move forward step-by-step down one path at the expense of other paths and opportunities?" While Miles, a marketing expert, is referring to business success I think his comments are also relevant to other changes we say we want to make, namely are we just saying we want to change or do we want to change badly enough to take the steps necessary to increase the likelihood of success.

You say you want to lose weight. Are you willing to remove snack foods from the pantry and avoid fast food establishments as a lunch? Or how about increasing your activity level? Are you willing to get up early and hit the gym before work or arrange your schedule to ensure you have time to show up before you head for home after work? Intend to improve your marriage or spend more time with your kids? What are you willing to give up to reach that goal?

Before I launch into some of the most effective ways to make important changes in your life, I think it's best to stop and ask yourself, what am I willing to let go of, loosen my grip on, change my attitude about, or rearrange my schedule for. If you can't answer this question, you're probably not ready to make a change.



Dr. Jennifer Baker