Living with Purpose

 

I wondered if the woman in pink sitting behind the counter in a small shop in Springdale, Utah was asleep when I approached the register, but she quickly came to life when she looked up and saw me. She reminded me a bit of my grandmother, but I was still surprised to hear her say she was 87 years old.

"It's not supposed to turn out this way," she said, and added, "It all goes too fast." She had my attention and I was in no hurry, so Mary Jane and I got better acquainted.

"I'm 87," she said, and I work five days a week, six hours a day. I used to work six days a week, but a couple of years ago she (I assume she meant the owner) thought I should have another day off. I live here next to my daughter in an apartment my grandsons built. I'm working to pay off my home in Idaho. If I can sell it, I will. If I can't, I'll keep on working."

"Do you enjoy your work?" I asked.

"Oh yes," she said. "I'm happy, even though I do miss the snow. It took me a couple of years to get used to that."

Mary Jane went on to explain that she had moved to southern Utah after she buried her husband of 62 years five years earlier in Idaho. Prior to that she had buried three sons--one was killed in an automobile accident leaving behind a wife and a baby; one committed suicide; and one died of cancer two months before her husband. She said she thought she would never get over her first son's death. "I thought I would never be warm again after my first son died," she said, "but I did."

Mary Jane demonstrated a lot of perseverance, determination and good humor in her life. When her husband was given two weeks to live at the "Old Soldiers' Home," she drove him home to Idaho by herself and nursed him back to health. He lived five more years. When at last he told her he was dying and that he would see her soon, she retorted, "Don't be so fast; I want to see the next generation."

Mary Jane has a lot of the next generation to see because she and her husband had 16 children--8 girls and 8 boys. Today those surviving children and grandchildren live all over the United States and Mary Jane has instructed them to start planning for her 90th birthday--her celebration of life, as she put it--in three years.

Reflecting on her years as a wife and mother, Mary Jane said, "I wonder if today's young people could do what we did. I washed our clothing on a washboard, kept the lanterns trimmed and lit, and kept the fire just right to bake my bread." She described years of moving, due to her husband's employment and life in an assortment of places most of us might find unacceptable today. At the same time she said, "But I was happy!"

Even today, at 87, working five days a week, I didn't hear even a hint of self-pity or discouragement. Mary Jane seemed very happy. "I don't drive," she said. "I walk a mile to work every day and ride the shuttle if I need to. I gave up my car because I couldn't afford it and I couldn't afford the gas, but it's fine. I have everything I need. I don't even take any medications."

"Do you mind if I take your picture?" I said.

"Not at all," she remarked and gave me a great big smile.

 

I wanted to reach across the counter and give her a big hug. I doubt that many of us would envy her circumstances, but most of us aspire to have her vigor and values. To me, she was a living, breathing example of the kind of folks Buettner talks about in The Blue Zones and Thrive, octogenarians and beyond, living healthy, productive and satisfying lives.

I may have purchased two shirts from Mary Jane, but she gave me an even better gift--the example of a life lived with gratitude, love and purpose.

Thinking thankfully of Mary Jane and others like her,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

"Go Slow Because I'm Not Coming Back"

Last Friday morning I got up very early and hiked to Scout's Landing in Zion National Park with four other women.

The Scout's Landing hike is an approximate 1000 foot climb spread out over a bit less than two miles. The October morning was magnificent and the views breathtaking as the five of us huffed and puffed our way up dozens of switchbacks, including the 21 famed "Walter's Wiggles."

Eventually we crested the last incline and found ourselves with a spectacular view of the peaks towering above, the canyon walls embracing us, and the sparkling Virgin River snaking its way among yellow aspen and Ponderosa Pine in the valley below. There we lingered as any number of fast and fit hikers clambered past us on their way to Angel's Landing--a treacherous climb requiring nerves of steel and the footwork of a mountain goat to avoid certain death from a sheer drop of 1400 feet. (According to a sign posted on the trail six people have died trying to reach Angel's Landing since 2004. None of us wanted to be the next.)

Our descent from Scout's Landing validated our decision to rise early and hit the trail in the early morning hours as we were met by throngs of hikers on their way up, eager to reach to the top.

Eventually, we reached the valley floor and climbed into our car. How we would have liked to linger, but it was time to move on. It was as we drove out of the park, windows down, drinking in the autumn air that I heard Ellen say, "Drive slow because I'm not coming back."

I'm not sure why she said it. Perhaps Ellen has other adventures on her bucket list. Maybe she knows this opportunity will not come around again. Whatever the reason, I think Ellen's words are a profound reminder to us all to slow down. Many of us, myself included, are goal-oriented, project-driven people. This behavior has its place, but too much emphasis on achievement and accomplishment and we miss the view, the experience, the wonder of it all.

How I wish I could say to the young couple in the throes of early love, "Drive slow because you're not coming back." How I would like to remind mothers of sticky-faced toddlers, "Drive slow, because you're not coming back." How I would like to encourage parents of pushing-the-limits, messy-roomed teens, "Drive slow because you're not coming back."

Maybe our day-to-day scenery doesn't appear to be as sensational as Zion National Park, but I can tell you from personal experience, Zion is full of rocks, desert terrain and cactus.

It can be an uncomfortable place to be. A lot depends on where you look and the time you take to inspect and experience what you see. I think that's a lot like life, which is why I'm going to do my best to remember Ellen's imperative, "Drive slow, because I'm not coming back."

Thinking thankfully of Ellen and doing my best to slow down,
Dr. Jennifer Baker

Out of the Flow

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I just feel rather "out of synch" with life. At these times, I can't quite put my finger on what the problem might be, but I continue to have an unsettling feeling that things are not as they should be. That's why it was somewhat reassuring to hear Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talking about the necessary factors for a flow experience, or as he would describe it "completely focused motivation . . . perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning."

When I learned more about what it takes to be "in the zone" or "on a roll," it was obvious to me why I sometimes struggle to be there.


1. Knowing What to Do -- If you want to experience "flow," you must know what to do, i.e., the next step. For a musician, it's the next note. For a chef, it's the next ingredient. For a surgeon, it's the next cut. For a dancer or athlete, it's the next step or action. In our day-to-day lives, it's sometimes much more difficult to discern what to do. When we struggle with uncertainty, we are not "flowing."

2. Knowing How to Do It -- Then there's the matter of skill or ability. It's not enough to know what to do, you also must be able to do it. For instance, a basketball player may know he needs to go for a lay up, but if he lacks the ability to execute this move, anxiety is more likely than flow. 

3. Knowing How Well You are Doing -- Feedback is critical for flow. If you want to be in the zone, you need to have some idea if your performance is on target. Is your pitch on key? Did the ball hit it's intended target? How does the soup taste? If you find yourself in a situation where it's hard to know how you're doing, to measure the impact of your efforts, then you will likely struggle with flow. It might be a good thing for parents, supervisors and spouses to remember--children, employees and partners all need to get feedback in order to feel good about their efforts.

4 & 5.High Perceived Challenges and High Perceived Skills -- According to Csikszentmihalyi, regardless of whether it's a game of chess or tennis, being fairly matched with one's opponent or task difficulty is key for flow to occur. Too little challenge, e.g., if your opponent is much weaker than you, and you're bored. Too much challenge and your anxiety increases to the point where your performance suffers and you may decide to give up altogether. We might think about that as it applies to daily life and work. Not enough challenge and you likely feel bored. Too much challenge and the stress can become overwhelming, especially if you feel your skills are not well-matched to the problems you are facing.

6. Freedom from Distractions -- When I got to this one I knew why I so often had difficulty achieving a flow-like experience in an average day at work. Amidst a constant stream of email, unexpected phone calls, charts piling up on my desk, and knocks at my door, I recognized one of the great enemies of flow--frequent interruption. If we want to experience flow, we must have distraction free zones for at least a portion of our day.

More Frequent Flow
More frequent flow is desirable for stress reduction and positive outlook, but how is this possible for an average person? Over the years, I've developed a few helpful strategies. While the things that work for me won't fit everyone, I will share a few I've found helpful.

Get up early enough to start the day alone and without interruptions. Even when our home was full of child-centered activity, those precious moments in the morning without the distraction of others generally helped me start the day in a positive and focused state of mind. Of course, night owls are free to try this at the end of the day, but rising late usually increases the likelihood one will begin the day with chaos. Morning people will find they also want to go to bed earlier if they make early morning quiet a habit.

Get to work before others arrive. To really get something done, I find that being alone at work, in the morning before others arrive, has great benefits. I can usually accomplish more in an hour at that time than I might the rest of the day.

Schedule time for flow activities you enjoy at work. Although much of my work is administrative, I still continue to do some therapy. As a therapist, I know what to do and I know how to do it. The problems are often significant, but I find my skills are generally up for the challenge. Best of all, during the hour I'm with a client, there are no distractions. I love it that no one can bother me during that time frame. When I'm focusing my efforts as a therapist, I'm often in the flow. At the end of the hour, I'm tired, but I also experience a deep level of satisfaction from having helped someone.

Save time for flow activities outside of work. To be at my best at work, I find I need to reserve time for flow activities at home. Working in the garden, hiking, cooking, reading a good book, sewing, and writing are all activities where I can lose track of time. If I fail to set aside time for one or more of these activities on a regular basis, I do feel out of synch. It's hard to concentrate at work and I often feel edgy or irritable. Funny how we need flow for work and for pleasure.

When do you experience flow? How do arrange your life to make time for it to happen? What suggestions would you give to others? Let me know and I'll share them.

Feeling more in the flow,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Stress Management for Introverts and Others

Recently my daughter posted the following communication between her and one of her daughter's on Facebook.

Stella: Mom can I stay home today?
 
 Mom: Why?
 
Stella: It's too crowded
 
Mom: Too many kids in your class?
 
Stella: Yes AND they ALL like me
 
Mom: Okay...and....
 
Stella: They all want to play with me and sometimes I just want to play by myself!

Her extroverted mother is trying hard to understand!

Introverts and Extroverts
In was interesting to view the comments of others in relation to my daughter's post. Some folks related to my daughter; others related to Stella. I had to laugh at some of their remarks. They included, "I can completely relate;" and "That's me on most days too."

This made me wonder about the need for supportive relationships, as emphasized in The Blue Zones, and people who find being with others somewhat draining. What about them? How do they go about relieving stress and anxiety in their lives?

Perhaps first it's important to note that while all people need supportive relationships, not everyone needs the same number of relationships. Some, like my daughter and Main Man, are energized by being with people. Others, like sweet Stella (and me), need space and time by themselves. If we don't get it, our anxiety can ratchet through the roof causing us to be grumpy and out-of-sorts. I call it "unfit for human interaction."

Flow and Stress Relief
But is it just time alone that renews one's spirit? Probably not. I can do a lot of clothes folding and closet cleaning by myself and not feel very renewed. Sitting for hours alone in front of a computer usually isn't very reviving either. It's what I do with that alone time, that contributes to some of the best kind of stress relief--something known as "flow."  

According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, "flow" is a purpose-driven state of mind that is both enjoyable and renewing. He identifies the following six factors:

1) Intense and focused concentration in the present moment--like that which might be experienced by a musician, rock climber or surgeon.

2) The merging of action and awareness, i.e., a heightened state of awareness in which you are only aware of the next note, next step or next action.

3) A loss of reflective self-consciousness, i.e., being so engrossed in what you are doing that you no longer think or care about what others might say or think about you.

4) A sense of personal control or agency over the situation or activity, i.e., even though the situation is demanding and engrossing, you know what to do and how to take the next step.

5) You lose track of time, i.e., you may work for hours, but feel like you've been at it for only a brief period.

6) Just doing what you are doing is satisfying and/or rewarding in and of itself, i.e., you are not necessarily engaged in this activity to gain kind of reward or compensation. You do it because you love it, you are curious about your world.

I suspect that Stella, a middle child with two older sisters and one younger, enjoys the prospect of sometimes coloring by herself, arranging the dolls in a way she would like, and reading books without the need to share them with others. I'm guessing that although Stella, who knows how to share and can be a very enjoyable companion (thus all the friends), is a happier, more settled child when she has time alone to do just as she pleases.

Do you identify with Stella? I know I do. In order to be "fit for human interaction," I find I need to make time for flow-like activities. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my husband's "flow" while making applesauce. Next time I'll devote more space to describing the seven ideal "flow conditions."

Until then, I think I'll go and enjoy some time on my own.

Dr. Jennifer Baker