Put Date Nights on the Back-to-School List

Andrea consulted the school supply list two or three times to be sure she had everything her children needed to go back to school.

Mark listened carefully to what school officials were saying about class sizes and wondered about how larger classes would impact his son.

Tonya insisted that her children start going to bed earlier in preparation for the change that would be needed when school started in a week.

All of these parents want their children to do well in school. All are doing the things they believe will help their child succeed in school, and to some extent they’re right. They may, however, be missing one of the important things – something we rarely, if ever, hear about. If they are married, they could be missing the importance of their couple relationship to their child’s success in school.

Surprising Research with Kindergarten Families
A few years ago two researchers in California wanted to know what kinds of activities or strategies made a difference for kids entering kindergarten. They started by taking a group of four-year-olds and dividing them into four different groups. One group served as the control group, i.e., nothing different or unusual was done with this group. In the second group the parents of the four-year-olds received consultation with a professional about the transition their child was making to kindergarten. In the third group, the parents received parenting classes; and in the fourth, the parents focused on enriching their couple relationship. The researchers then followed the children for two years observing, recording and measuring their behavior and outcomes. At the end of first grade they observed two significant things about the children in the fourth group:

1) Only the children whose parents had received relationship education for couples performed higher academically than the other three groups.

2) Only the same children demonstrated lower levels of aggression than the children in the other two groups.

School-Sponsored Date Nights for Parents?
School-sponsored date nights for parents are probably not going to be added to the school district’s budget any time soon, but this study does point out a critical contributor to a child’s success in school, namely the stability of his or her home based on the happiness of his or her parents’ relationship.

When parents are happy with each other and working together, children do better in school. When mom and dad are getting along, mom is happier and more relaxed and dad is more involved with his children. When dad is more involved with his children, children do better in school. A landmark study by the U.S. Department of Education found that, “Children in two-parent families with highly involved fathers were 42% more likely to get mostly As, 55% more likely to enjoy school, and 28% less likely to repeat a grade than were children in two-parent families with fathers who had low involvement.”

It’s important to prepare children for success in school by securing the right school supplies, being sure they get enough rest, and setting aside time for them to do their homework. Good parents also recognize the significance of meeting their child’s teacher, participating in parent-teacher conferences and attending their child’s activities. The best parents, however, keep their couple relationship strong by continuing to nurture their relationship with fun, friendship and sexuality. These three things will keep them going strong from kindergarten to college. It might even help their kids earn a scholarship!

Scholastically speaking,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Prepare to be Wrong

I don't like to be wrong so when I started this section in Decisive, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I like to make careful, thoughtful decisions -- unless, of course, I'm playing cards after 9:30 p.m. Then, because I'm tired, I tend to make impulsive decisions and no one wants to be my partner. I can't say I blame them.

But making poor choices because I'm tired can be avoided. I can and do make most of my decisions in the daylight hours. I wait until I can think clearly, have done some research, and discussed possible options with others. I do my best to make good choices the first time so I can avoid the consequences of bad ones later on.

Apparently, a lot of folks feel the way I do, which (according to the Heath brothers) is a big part of the problem. We need to prepare to be wrong.

Why? Because we can't know what we don't know. We can't be certain the conclusion we've reached isn't taking us in the wrong direction. We can't know if the bottom will fall out of the housing market. We are not able to discern whether the new boss will be better than the old--and even if he is, that he won't suddenly depart for a new position. Or, under the best of circumstances, be prepared for what we'll do if the great idea we had really takes off and we're unprepared to meet the demands of all our new customers.

Not only is it impossible to know what the future will bring, but most of us have a bad habit of insulating ourselves from opinions and ideas not in agreement with our own. Even when others seem to be in agreement, they won't always tell us the truth. They're a lot nicer than they might be and we suffer as a result.

In their blog, the Heath brothers tell a fascinating story about banana bread. Apparently, an office worker had the habit of bringing low-fat baked goods to work. They were a bit dry, but you know how office environments go. Fellow employees ate them anyway because people almost always gobble up anything left in the office break room. Whenever the employees saw the worker's wife at social functions, they always thanked her for her baking--even though they all thought the baked goods a bit dry. She responded by baking more; they reacted by continuing to eat what showed up at work.

One day the husband of the bread-baking spouse announced his wife was  starting a catering business and began hinting heavily for business. Based on what he was hearing and she was experiencing, the couple figured this was a slam dunk decision. What they didn't know was that the office employees had been eating the dry baked goods because they were free and because there were no alternatives to compete for consumption. They wrongly assumed others would pay for the same items they had ate for free. Based on their experience, they couldn't know what they didn't know.

Combating What We Don't Know
So how do we combat the problem of not knowing what we don't know. The brothers Heath suggest a number of things, but here are a couple of ideas to get you started.

1) Look for dis-confirming information. In the case of the baked goods, the banana bread-baking wife might have tried offering a few loaves for sale at a local farmer's market before she embarked on a catering business of her own. If she failed to develop repeat customers, this might have been a good sign a catering business was not a wise choice.

2) Set a tripwire. A "tripwire" refers to a deadline or boundary that will cause us to re-evaluate a choice. For instance, a couple might agree that the husband can invest a specific amount on a new business venture before the decision to move forward must be re-evaluated. This helps to prevent losing one's life savings before you know what has happened. It also contributes to marital harmony.

A college student might pursue internship opportunities before making a final career choice.

A budding artist might try selling a few paintings or pieces of music before resigning from her "day job."

In both positive and negative circumstances, a tripwire can signal us to turn off the automatic pilot and take a closer look at why we're doing what we're doing before we invest ourselves or our resources more heavily.

Several years ago my husband and I moved from a small city in northern Illinois to a suburb of Chicago. In all of our previous moves it had been necessary for us to rent before we purchased a home. This time was different. Our home in Belvidere was sold so we shopped for the house we wanted without worrying about whether or not our house would sell. This was a good thing, right? That's what we thought, but we should have prepared to be wrong.

It wasn't long before we found a house we liked, completed the financial transactions and moved in. What we didn't know then was that only 14 months later we would be moving again, this time to southwest Missouri. We left behind an unsold house and lost several thousand dollars in the process because we moved so quickly. We eventually sold our home in Palatine and moved into a home of our own in Springfield more than a year later, but if we had only rented in our previous location we could have saved ourselves a lot of money and trouble. It was just another example of how we couldn't know what we didn't know.

I don't plan on moving again anytime soon, but if I were this time I'd prepare to be wrong. I give consideration to the possibility that the new job might not be all I had imagined. I would recognize the value of getting to really know a community before choosing a neighborhood in which to live. I would accept the very real possibility that it might take longer for my house to sell than I had hoped. Knowing all these things, I would still move ahead, but I would do so knowing a contingency plan might need to be made operational.

Humbly and decisively yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Decision Making and Short-Term Emotions

When I wrote about short-term emotion as the enemy of good decision making last week I used examples of incidents where guilt or the desire to please another created a situation where it is easy  to make a decision you otherwise would not have made, e.g., buying popcorn or candy from an enthusiastic Cub Scout.

What I failed to mention was how fear, can also cause us to miss out on important opportunities. For those cautious types--in whose number I count myself--the short-term emotion of fear frequently tempts us to avoid new experiences and growth opportunities.

This is one of the reasons I try to make a thoughtful decision well in advance about something I want to do or try that I know will push me beyond my comfort zone. Last week, for example, I spent several days in the company of twelve women hiking and kayaking in northern Wisconsin.* Our members were in their 40s, 50s, and 60s and game for any number of things I wouldn't do on my own. 

In their company I found myself hiking the shores of Lake Superior, scrambling up rocky bluffs and kayaking the sea caves of the Apostle Islands--an amazing place I didn't even know existed a couple of years ago.

Getting to the sea caves required a speed boat ride across the waters of Lake Superior from Bayfield, Wisconsin on the mainland to Devil's Island.

Going to Devil's Island was uneventful--smooth seas and sunny skies. Coming back, on the other hand, was more exciting. We were still in our kayaks when the wind suddenly shifted, whipping up whitecaps requiring our return to the larger boat quickly. We were in the hands of an experienced boater and probably never in much real danger, but bouncing along in five-foot swells added some unexpected excitement to our day. 
 

Like I said, it's not the kind of thing I would have chosen to do in the moment, but having made the decision months ago to go on the trip and then finding myself "out to sea" so to speak, what choice did I have but to embrace the moment? 

We arrived safely at our destination without incident, though I will admit to a few moments of wondering what I had been thinking when I agreed to go on this adventure after one member of our group "lost her lunch" over the side of the boat and our captain reported hearing at least two distress calls for the Coast Guard. At the end of the day, though, it really was quite good for safety-conscious, risk management me. I was very glad I had decided to go on the trip. The experience was exhilarating and I learned I was able made of stronger stuff than I had imagined.

So how does one make good decisions--especially the more important ones--when tormented by short term emotions (fear, guilt, etc.)? Here are some ideas from the Heath brothers, authors of Decisive.**

1) Attain distance before deciding. Recognize that we fail to make good decisions about important matters when short-term emotion is in play. If you acknowledge this phenomena and admit its influence, it will be easier for you to delay making an impulsive decision with serious long-term implications or consequences.

2) Use the 10/10/10 strategy. Ask yourself, "How will I feel about this decision 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now and 10 years from now?" While the short-term impact of acting or not acting may carry some discomfort, the likely long-term outcome is a much better predictor of a good decision.

3) Ask yourself, "What would I tell my best friend to do in this situation?" I'm not certain why it is so much easier for us to discern things clearly for a friend than it is for ourselves, but it often is. It's what we'd tell a friend--or perhaps what a friend might tell us--that can serve as an important guide.

Several years ago, a thoughtful acquaintance, noting the sad state of my work-life balance listened non-sympathetically to my reasons for taking very little time off from work. "How can I be gone?" I argued. "I've got too much to do."

"Simple," he said, "You take out a calendar; mark off the days; and plan to leave." 

He was right. Making a decision months in advance to spend time away from work has given me the distance needed to have a number of happy adventures. Writing the dates in my appointment book gives me a few moments of anxiety, but 10 months later I'm always glad I've gone. Ten years from now I'll continue to treasure the memories of those times away and the friendships forged along the way. Removing myself from short-term emotion helped make all the difference.

Decisively yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker


*To learn more about Trailbound Trips and the wonderful woman who leads them, go to www.trailboundtrips.com.

**It's difficult to do justice to the work of Chip Heath and Dan Heath in a brief blog, which is why I encourage you to read the book.

The Problem with Emotion and Great Decisions

Some days it seems I'm surrounded by people with a definite gift for persuasion. My brother, for instance, excels in sales, operating a highly successful company as the exclusive importer of Colombian chocolate for North America. 

My daughter frequently demonstrates the enthusiasm of a revival evangelist for any number of important issues—diet, fitness, fashion, housing and home decor. I've succumbed to her influence on any number of occasions purely as a result of her persistence. When it comes to expressing her convictions, she's definitely queen of the moment, utilizing short-term emotion to its greatest advantage. I confess to frequently caving to her opinion or perspective—often with good results, but not always. 

I think our daughter learned her persuasive skills from one of the most not-to-be-denied people I know, her dad, AKA my "Main Man." If it weren't for his ability to influence me (and others) I’m certain my life would have bordered on monotonous and mundane. Thanks to people like my husband and daughter this is never going to happen, unless of course, I learn how to make decisions with less coercion from short-term emotion.

For instance, I recall one particularly memorable occasion several years ago, when Main Man convinced me to try leaping over a small stream during a hiking excursion in a remote part of the Lakes District in northern England. I was afraid I couldn't manage the jump, but he continued to insist I try it.

"It's easy," he claimed, demonstrating with his long legs and easy stride how simple it would be for me to cross the stream rushing down the mountain side.

"I don't think I can," I objected, but he continued to insist I try.

Capitulating to the power of his persistent encouragement, I eventually took the leap he suggested, slipped on a wet rock and landed in the stream bed with water up to my armpits. I couldn't have been any wetter unless I had jumped in head first. In spite of the fact the temperature was hovering in the low 60s when I took the plunge and the rain continued to drizzle from the skies for the remainder of the day, I had little concern about hypothermia. The heat escaping from my body as I tramped ahead of him for the next two hours was more than enough to keep me warm—especially when I discovered he had eaten the last of the chocolate.

So what is it about these “sales” people that allows them to be so compelling? Of course, they might tell you it’s because they’re right, but I would suggest it’s more related to their ability to play on short-term emotion coupled with our tendency to "think with our gut" more than we should when making a decision.

Not convinced? Ever purchased something you didn’t really want at a home-based party hosted by a friend? Do you dread shopping for a new car because you fear pressure from a salesperson? Have you given into a cherubic child peddling peanut brittle at your door? That’s the impact of short-term emotion. 

Allowing emotion to rule for a peanut brittle purchase might not be much of a problem, but for really big decisions (work, life partner, investments, neighborhood, etc.) trusting your gut may be a very poor choice because fleeting emotions tempt us to make poor long-term decisions. To make better decisions we need to allow ourselves some time and distance. Next week I’ll talk about some strategies from Decisive that can help us do that better.

Dr. Jennifer Baker

The Problem with Being Decisive -- 2

Ever made a bad decision? I know I have and it usually happened because I "trusted my gut." I went with what felt right to me at the time. I emphasize the word "felt" here because I'm not talking about decisions where something is clearly right or wrong e.g., should I attempt to take this item out of the store without paying for it, or fork over the cash. No, I'm referring to the kinds of decisions where a lot may be at stake, but there's no clear right answer.

• Should I accept a new job or stay put?

• Should we sell our house and move to a new neighborhood or make improvements to our current home?

• Should we take our relationship to a new level or back off?

• Should I hire this interviewee for a vacant position or keep looking?

As I wrote last week, I've found Dan and Chip Heath's new book, Decisive, to be very helpful in this area.

The danger we all face in making the kinds decisions described above is something researchers call "confirmation bias." Confirmation bias refers to our tendency to reach a conclusion quickly and then amass the data to support our decision while ignoring any evidence to the contrary. Of course, sometimes we're right, but all too often we are not. And when we're wrong the outcome can sometimes be disastrous.

How, then, can we discourage confirmation bias and improve our decision making skills?

Recognize Your Bias
According to experts, the first step in making better decisions is recognizing and acknowledging your bias. We all have preferences and we tend to arrive at them quickly.

"Unlike narrow framing, the confirmation bias is not easily disrupted. Even the smartest psychologists, who have studied the bias for years, admit that they can't shake it. It can't be wiped out; it can only be reined in" (p. 87-88, Heath & Heath, 2013).

Take job interviews, for example. Most people who have to interview others for a position figure they're pretty good at choosing the right candidate and they tend to place a lot of emphasis on how successfully the candidate interviews. Unfortunately, a significant number of folks who interview very well, demonstrate average or substandard work performance. According to Heath and Heath (2013), "Research has found that interviews are less predictive of job performance than work samples, job-knowledge tests, and peer ratings of past job performance. Even a simple intelligence test is substantially more predictive than an interview" (p.149).

Nevertheless, many employers continue to rely on the interview as the gold standard for decision making. Why? Because most all of us tend to think we're pretty good at interviewing--other people may make mistakes, but we can spot a winner. "We are Barbara Walters or Mike Wallace. We leave the interview confident that we've taken the measure of the person. The psychologist Richard Nisbett calls this the 'interview illusion': our certainty that we're learning more in an interview than we really are" (p. 150, Heath & Heath, 2013).

Or talk to a love-struck friend and you'll see the same sort of confidence magnified. They know, they absolutely KNOW, this is the person for them. Is the new person known for being a know-it-all and dominating every conversation? Doesn't matter. They're sure he's just unappreciated? Does he have difficulty keeping a job? Others clearly don't recognize the talent their new love has. Is there history of financial problems? Not an issue because love conquers all. Regardless of the concerns you express or the evidence you may offer, your friend dismisses or diminishes it all. When confirmation bias is in play, conflicting perspectives are unwelcome.

Welcome Disconfirmation
If we truly want to lessen the influence of confirmation bias we must learn to welcome and seriously consider perspectives other than our own. It has been said that men will pay a therapist $100 an hour to hear what their wives have been telling them for years. I'm not certain why the therapist has more influence, but the point is that they could have saved themselves a lot of time, money and misery had they listened to their wives much sooner.

In the workplace, wise executives and supervisors will resist the urge to make quick decisions because they can. Rather, they will welcome and encourage the views of those who disagree with them. Only in this way are they able to more clearly recognize potential errors in judgment and pitfalls with their perspective. Abraham Lincoln, with his "team of rivals," is perhaps one of the best known historical figures to excel in this area.

Being Decisive at Work and at Home
Regardless of whether you're a CEO of a large organization or a parent choosing a preschool for your four-year-old, making decisions is something we must do every day. Most will be routine, but for those with long term implications, it's good to remember that we have a bias and do our best to lessen its impact.

Next week we'll consider another enemy of good decisions--short term emotion.

Decisively yours,

Dr. Jennifer L. Baker