Creeping . . .

My niece just graduated from law school. She's a bright, beautiful, compassionate young woman who will undoubtedly do well. I'm certainly proud of her and I know her parents are too. I noticed many words of encouragement from friends and family when I read the posting on her Facebook page.

One of the most interesting came from a friend who included a link to a graduation address by David Foster Wallace* entitled "This is Water." Mr. Wallace uses the metaphor of water to talk about how so much of our life is daily, routine, ordinary, boring, frustrating and sometimes downright irritating. We may not be able to change much about our circumstances, he says, but we do have a choice about our perspective. In some ways, I think Mr. Wallace did a good job of what I've been calling "creeping," i.e., those phases in our lives where we don't see a lot of progress, but the day-to-day faithfulness in small, ordinary things matters.

If you're a regular reader, you know that the last couple of weeks I've been talking about the "sleeping, creeping and leaping" phases of perennials, comparing them to a whole and healthy life. In the perennial plant world, "creeping" typically refers to the second year of a perennial's life when you see small signs of growth, but nothing dramatic happens. This is typically preceded by a year of "sleeping," i.e. the year you put the perennial in the ground. By the second year most people are hoping to see a bit more for their efforts--something akin to what appears at the botanical gardens or on the cover of a gardening magazine, but most perennials need at least one more year for that to begin.

This tendency to want to hurry the creeping process is often true of many aspects of adult life, but in different ways at different stages.

Young Adults (20s and 30s)

This stage of life is one of rapid change for many young adults. After high school graduation there's usually college, military service or an apprenticeship. Some continue on to advanced degrees. Romances and relationships develop. Engagements are announced. Weddings are scheduled. Careers are started. Homes are purchased. Babies are welcomed. And then . . . things typically slow down quite a bit, at least in the area of rapid change. Suddenly the world can seem very "daily" and often dull compared with the earlier years.

Of course, critical foundations are being laid during this period in terms of finances, professional development, marital satisfaction and healthy, happy children, but it can be hard to see the value of this foundation in the midst of the "dailies" -- demanding schedules, daunting routines, diapers and dishes. One of the dangers of this period is the temptation to continue pursuing "excitement," rather than settling into the rhythm of everyday life. Impulsive financial decisions, too much "job changing" in pursuit of the perfect position, and the lure of an extra-marital relationship can all contribute to "root damage" severely impacting future growth.

Middle-Years Adults (40s-Mid 50s)

People in the middle years face their own challenges with "creeping," and not just in terms of the spread of their waist line. They may have safely navigated the early years, perhaps to the stability they now enjoy, but some now succumb to the feeling they're stuck in a rut.

It's not that I think ruts are a good thing. Rather, I have concerns about the ways people in this age group try to escape their perceived rut, or what it is that causes them to define it as a rut at all. Many a marriage has been ruined or damaged by self-centered, "rut-extrication" activities. Finances have floundered from foolish investments. Relationships, personal and/or professional, have been threatened by now-or-never choices that tend to take place at this time. Creeping is still a good thing, even in the middle years.

Later Years Adults (Late 50s, 60s, 70s and Beyond)
As one's years accumulate, there's a temptation to believe the "creeping" should be done by now, particularly if the previous three or four decades have been demanding. It's easy to think that now is the time to reap rewards,the time to relax, the time to enjoy the bounty and fruit of our labors. Isn't that what the investment ads all talk about?

While some of this thinking may be fitting, the fact of the matter is that every decade of life includes some creeping, some slow and steady progress up what may seem like a mountain of adjustment ... retirement, aging, separation and loss. Those who expect it to be otherwise often succumb to bitterness and despair. Those who plan for creeping are more likely to continue blooming in every season.

Life is difficult. People are often frustrating or irritating. Some circumstances can be more than challenging. The happiest people with whom I'm acquainted also know we have a choice. We can be grateful, generous and kind. We can practice kindness and care. We can let go of a need for self-importance and live with grace and compassion for others. When we do this, a root system developed over the years will yield the most beautiful blossoms of all. I'm pretty certain Emily knows this, but just in case she needed a special "graduation nod" from her aunt, I thought I'd write this blog with her in mind.

Congratulations Emily! Keep on creeping on!

Dr. Jennifer Baker

* I wanted to include the link, but it's no longer operational.

Sleeping: Plants and People

My kitchen window looks down on one of our Spring perennial flower beds. When the daffodils and hyacinths are in full bloom, I love the view. In a month or so, I know I'll be treated to purple blossoms on the butterfly bush and periwinkle hues on the hydrangea. Right now, however, it's pretty uninspiring.

The long stalks of the daffodils are stretched out on the ground, turning brown and drying up. I'm ready to be done with them. I want to move on to something more colorful. "I think I'll just cut them back?" I say to my husband.

"Wait," he warns. "You need to give them time. Right now, while they're still green, they're gaining the nutrients they need to strengthen the bulbs. Be patient. You can cut them back in another two or three weeks when they're all brown and yellow."

I know he's right. I even checked the gardening books to be sure and they recommend the same thing. 

Last week I wrote about the "sleeping, creeping, leaping" cycle for growing beautiful perennials. What I didn't say then, but need to add now, is that perennials also need to "sleep" or rest during the year. When it comes to plants like daffodils, daylilies and iris it means you need to wait to cut back unsightly foliage. Patience in this area is key to the long-term health of these perennial, bulb-based flowers. Cut them back too quickly, shorten the time they're resting and rejuvenating, and you shorten the life of the bulb.

Sigh. Patience was never one of my key virtues. I take some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in wanting to hurry things along in my garden and in life. Lots of people today, it seems, are eager to move quickly from one thing to another without giving their body, their mind and their emotions time to recover. We've grown accustomed to instant messaging, fast food and microwave meals. We expect problems to be resolved quickly and efficiently. We grow weary of waiting more than a few days or weeks for a resolution to our problems. 

Addicted to "Wake"

The most obvious and frequent place we neglect the necessary replenishing phase in our lives is with a healthy daily sleep routine. When it comes to "sleeping" or resting it's not unusual to hear people boast of how little they rest, almost as if it's a merit badge of some sort. One of my colleagues once said that Americans are "addicted to wake," i.e., we are frequent users of "stimulants" to keep us awake.

If we're not cruising the internet well into the night on our iPads, Smart phones, or laptops, we're sending text messages or answering email. When our alertness begins to fade, we resort to caffeine-laden drinks to keep us going.

In short, we avoid the restful 7-8 hours of sleep almost every human being needs to maintain health and optimum functioning to keep ourselves conscious for fear we will miss something if we close our eyes for an extended period of time.

Chained to Choice and Change

Over the last few decades, mostly without our awareness, the options for choice and change have proliferated. Although it would be almost impossible for most young adults  in the U.S. today to believe, not all that long ago most people were limited to a small number of television stations. To change from one to another they had to walk across the room. Since there was often only one (or at the most two) televisions in the house, changing channels required skills of negotiation with siblings. Sometimes you just had to put up with what the person in charge (read "parent") wanted to view. In short, choices were limited and change occurred at a snail's pace.

Today, the world wide web, which can be viewed from multiple devices, offers a bounty of choices. There are sites to help you find a mate, cheat on your mate, and hook up with a new mate. You can gamble away a life savings without ever entering a casino, view pornography without ever buying a magazine, and shop until you've maxed out every one of your credit cards. Pretty much anything you want--both good and bad--is available to you with only a few clicks on the keyboard. The natural restraints and delays of the past are much easier to sidestep when it comes to avoiding impulse control problems.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of advantages and good things about the advent of the internet and I'm not one of those people who want to go back in time. I enjoy writing this blog, for instance. I post pictures on Facebook. I text my husband, children and friends. I occasionally shop online and process dozens of emails each day. But just because the internet can help us expedite some things, it doesn't necessarily speed up change in human behavior. For better or worse, most of us are a lot like perennials in our requirement for a "sleeping" or resting period.

 How Long is Long Enough?

"How long am I going to feel this way?" questions Megan. "I don't really want to get a divorce, but I'm so frustrated and angry with my husband right now. Will I ever really love and trust him again? I don't know how much longer I can stand feeling this way."

"We're worried about Sean's behavior. We've tried doing some of the things you suggest and they help a little, but will it be enough? When will he learn to be more responsible? We've been at this for 6 weeks. Should we be seeing more improvement by now?"

"Brian died three months ago and I still miss him so much. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of gigantic waiting room. How long can I expect to feel like this?" wonders Sara.

How often I've heard questions like these--questions I can't really answer, except to say that it usually takes longer than we think. Retooling, refueling, reclaiming, renewing, revitalizing . . . all these things take time. The human body, mind and soul cannot be microwaved or instant-ized.

Behaviors and routines are established over time and they also take seasons to change. Healing, resting, recreating, restoring ... can take weeks, months and sometimes a year or more, but if done right, spring will come again. The roots will strengthen; the foliage will flourish; and blossoms will bloom for perennial flowers and for people.

Catching up on some rest,

Dr. Jennifer Baker



Sleeping . . . Creeping . . . Leaping

A good friend of mine who has an exceptional green thumb taught me a little phrase she applies to perennial plants that I find apropos to much of life. First, let me define "perennial" -- at least as it applies to the world of gardening. Simply put, it’s a plant that lives for more than two years that is not a bush, shrub or tree. Good examples of common perennials include peonies, many kinds of daisies, hostas, and ornamental grasses.

Perennials can be distinguished from annuals (often referred to as bedding plants), because annuals need to be planted every year, i.e. they die over the winter.  Good examples of annuals include petunias, impatiens and coleus.

Sleeping: The first year you plan a perennial, you don’t see much return for your effort. The plant, which you undoubtedly paid more for than an annual, doesn’t do much. It just sits there and establishes a root system. This is what my gardening friend refers to as “sleeping.” This is a time when you might wonder if the extra dollars you paid for it are actually worth the investment. At this point, it is less than spectacular, but wait … there’s more.

Creeping: In the second year of a perennial’s life, if you’ve taken care to plant and water carefully, you’ll likely see what my friend refers to as “creeping.” This is the slow growth a perennial begins to show as its roots are established and it expands to fill its new location and “show its stuff.” It’s definitely not a head-turner yet, but if the soil is right and it is coupled with the right care and feeding, a well-established root system or foundation will be evident.

Leaping: Finally, the third year comes. If the first two years have gone as they should, this is the point where a perennial is often observed to be “leaping” out of the ground, filling in a garden space and flashing beautiful blossoms and foliage.  Non-horticultural types marvel and wonder about your green thumb. What they don’t know is how much patience it took for you to get your plant to the place it now occupies. 

Perks of Perennials

In my mind, well-developed perennials are a labor-saving bargain. Once established, they take much less effort than annuals. You plant one time and weed less because they're often very good at crowding out weeds. (Of course, if you're a perennial enthusiast, like me, you may continue to try new places to plant more of them ... but that's a different issue altogether.) Perennials don't have to be replaced each year--like annuals, so they're less expensive in the long run. Because of their well-established root system, they also tend to be more drought-resistant than annuals so you can water less, saving both labor and money.

Basically, there are a lot of reasons to like perennials, but perhaps one of the reasons I like them best is that there's so much wisdom in a perennial. If only we could all be a bit more like perennials in our relationships. What if we could see our relationships at home, at work and in the community the way we see perennials--developing slowly over time to produce a beautiful harvest as the years roll by. But, I'll save that for next week. Right now I'm off to work in the garden.

Perennially yours,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Take the Long-Term View

Dear Mom and Dad,
For my letter writing experience this week I am going to write to you and state some goals that I would like to complete before graduating from High School. I have seen what results my younger sibling has reeped (sic) from her letter writing campains (sic).

As you read this, Dad, I don't want you to laugh. I believe these all to be very important. To start off my list I believe I should start with my school life. I have listed below my acedemic (sic) goals in order of importance.

     1) Get and maintain a 3.0 GPA.
     2) Visit as many collages (sic) as possible.
     3)  Locate a Christian Collage (sic) in mountains and visit, (as many as possible.)

The next category (sic) in order of importance to me is recreation.

     1) Christmas vactadion (sic) in Breckenridge.
     2) Visit Al-Lo farm more than one time this year.

Job employment and financial (sic) materins (sic).

     1) Work at True Value for more than 6 months.
     2) Work for Grandpa at least one (month).
     3) Command my own hay hauling crew again.

. . . . Dad, if your (sic) not laughing by now I will be very surprised (sic). I know that you love me, even if you don't treat me the way I want.    Love, Andrew

Letter Writing Lessons
I recently found the letter above in a file I had labeled "Special Letters." It was written by our son when he was sixteen and I was trying to help him improve his skills of written expression. I always thought he was creative, clever and more than able to express himself verbally, but when it came to getting his thoughts on paper he struggled. So, for a number of summers I required that he write at least one letter a week. Often he wrote them to his grandparents, but occasionally he wrote them to us. The above is one such example. As you can see, the spelling leaves something to be desired and the punctuation is a bit sketchy as well. It is, however, one of my treasured possessions--especially now that I look back and see all that he has become.

I read this letter to Andrew recently when we were visiting over the phone and we both had a good laugh. It is with his permission that I share it now. I remember the days when I wondered if he would ever apply himself to his school work. I was frustrated when he failed to turn in his homework or turned it in late. It made me crazy that he could remember the script of a movie word for word, but was on the verge of failing Spanish. I was angry with his English teacher who acted as though he had little ability as all, when I knew he could do much better if only he had some encouragement and inspiration. I ached for him when he struggled to get his thoughts--clever, funny thoughts--on paper because spelling was such a struggle.  In short, I did what many mothers do . . . I wondered if this kid would make it. I wondered if he would be alright when he left home for college--assuming he made it into a college. I wondered if he would give up on himself and settle for second best when I knew he had so much to give.

Mother's Day is coming soon and I suspect many mothers today have the same concerns. In fact, I recently read a new children's book, On A Beam of Light by Jennifer Berne, that led me to believe Albert Einstein's mother may have had similar worries. Apparently Albert didn't talk at all until sometime after his third birthday. He was an unusual little boy, but according to the book, "His parents worried. Little Albert was so different . . . But he was their baby, so they loved him . . . no matter what."

I think that's the encouragement I'd like to give to moms this week as we approach Mother's Day 2013. Don't give up too soon. Keep working with your kids. Take the long-term view. Whether you find yourself in the throes of toddler tantrums or the angst of adolescent drama, the end of the story has not been written. Take the long-term view.

As for our son's writing skills, those have come a long way. He earned a bachelor's degree in education and a master's degree in Educational Administration. Today he is an assistant principal at a large elementary school in Round Rock, Texas. 

But better yet is the fact that when he has time, he actually writes for fun. A year or so ago he called to let me know he had written some award winning articles for a blog about bicycling in Austin, Texas and gotten paid for his efforts.

Given the early writing samples I had from him, there's nothing better this mother could hear . . . except, of course, that he's planning to teach his boys to write as well. Of course, their mother will probably be involved with that too.

Encouraging all mothers to hang in there for the long run,

Dr. Jennifer Baker