We Laughed Until We Cried

We laughed until we cried. That's what happened when a group of us came together in Iowa last weekend. Most of us have gathered there nearly every year for the past 20 years. Initially we came to attend the annual quilt festival in Kalona, a small community near Iowa City with the largest Amish and Mennonite settlement west of the Mississippi.

Learning about the area's unique history and culture has been part of the charm of the yearly visit, but the greatest attraction, by far has been the friendships that have grown and deepened over the years.

A Twenty-Year Tradition

It all started more than 20 years ago. Having recently finished my master's degree, I longed to replace the tedious hours of studying with the company of others, so I offered to teach a quilting class. Included in those gatherings were history lessons, of sorts, on how women used quilting for more than constructing coverlets to keep their families warm. I called the class "Pieces to Wholeness" to reflect the idea that small pieces come together to form a beautiful pattern, but people also need each other to remain whole and healthy.

 Sometime in the year thereafter one of the group members suggested we might like to attend the annual quilt show and sale in Kalona, Iowa. She said her mother lived there and we could stay with her. 

  

And so began a 20-year-tradition of trekking to Kalona on the last weekend in April. Over the past 20 years this group of women with a 25-year-age range developed deep friendships. They have seen each other through employment, unemployment, re-employment and retirement. Collectively they've experienced birth and death, weddings, funerals and divorce. They've weathered marital problems, troublesome teens and even the destruction of one member's home by a tornado. Two of the group have moved to other states (I would be one of those), but even separated by hundreds of miles, the bonds of friendship have remained strong. They've even welcomed a couple of new members to the group.

"Did I Really Say That?"
Our best friends often know more about us in some ways than we know ourselves. This was clearly evident to me with the reading of "The Journal" -- the record of our gatherings over the past 20 years. What group members remembered me saying and what I recalled were sometimes quite different. Their perspective has helped me see things about myself I might otherwise overlook or want to avoid. We all need friends like this and so do our couple and family relationships.

Today, a lot of emphasis is put on finding one's soul mate. While discovering a suitable match is certainly worthy of effort, it occurs to me that the kind and quality of one's friendships may be a better predictor of one's marital stability and satisfaction than initial compatibility with a partner. The right kind of friends can keep you going through the rough patches of marriage. They can help you hang on when children rebel or disappoint.

"You Need to Go to Quilting!"
Over the years many of our spouses have come to value what these friendships contribute to our overall health and well-being. I recall any number of our members arriving at an evening meeting or gathering saying, "I really didn't have time to come, but my husband practically pushed me out the door." And although the Iowa gathering is a "woman only" event, one year my Main Man accompanied me on the 300+ mile trip from Missouri just so I wouldn't have to drive the distance by myself. He knew the past year had been a particularly stressful one and how important it would be to my mental health to spend some time in the company of these special friends.

Make Time for Friends
In the past most people had large families that produced automatic support systems. Today's families, for any number of reasons, are often unable to provide support in the same way, which is why healthy friendships are so important. Husbands tend to be happier and children do better when wives and/or mothers have meaningful support from others.

Some people think great relationships are built on spending lots of time together with a partner. While it's true that happy couples and families do make quality time with each other a priority, some of the happiest, most content people I know also make time for friendship.

If you don't have a good friend or two, I hope you'll focus on making some. If you do have faithful friends, treasure them and treat them with love and kindness. Their presence in your life can make all the difference to those you love most.

Thinking fondly of my friends, 

Dr. Jennifer Baker 

The Dark and other Great Stories

I read a new book to the grand-girls last week. The Dark, written by Lemony Snicket, features Laszlo, a little boy who is afraid of the dark.

Laszlo knows the dark lurks in any number of places in his house, but especially in the cellar. One night, after his nightlight goes out, Laszlo plucks up his nerve, takes his flashlight and heads to the cellar to meet the dark. You'll have to get the book to find out what happens, but let's just say that Stella (nearly 4-years-old) was spell-bound as Laszlo inched down the steps toward the dark.

In fact, the look on her face was something akin to what you might see on an adult's face in the midst of a mystery thriller movie. I won't spoil the ending, but I am happy to say the book reaches a satisfying conclusion. Together the girls and I learned something about the thrill of a good book, while also getting some insight into the importance of facing our fears.

I wish more of us could read The Dark and other good children's books. If we did, we might better recall some of the lessons we once knew as children and have somehow forgotten as adults. Take, for example the lesson of The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen.

The pout-pout fish appears to have a problem with a bad attitude. He's a glass half-full kind of guy. Ever know anyone like that? Lots of folks try to cheer him up, but he continues to insist, "I'm a pout-pout fish with a pout-pout face. So I spread the dreary-wearies all over the place." The grand-boys loved this book and wanted me to read it over and over.
 

The book is fun. The words rhyme and the illustrations are terrific, but dealing with a pouty person on a regular basis is not. What do you do if you've got a "pout-pout fish" in your home or workplace who appears resistant to any and all efforts to bring a smile to his face? I can't tell you, but the book will. The book may even help you if you are prone to being a pout-pout fish yourself. Check it out.

There's a lot about adult life that is serious--very serious. The events of last week in Boston and Texas remind us all too well of just how brief and tenuous life can be. With that in mind, how would you like to spend the precious time allotted to you? Do you want fear to be the focus of your days? Can you really change the future by worrying? Will a frown on your face change the outcome of a potential bad event? Probably not! None of us knows the length of our years, but when I come to the end of mine I hope I will have filled as many moments as possible with the joy of ordinary things--things like enjoying a good book with a child and a good tickle.

The Tickle Monster, by Josie Bissett, gives you lots of ideas for tickling someone you love.

If we ticked more and fought less would the world be a better place? I think it probably would. It seems we all knew this as children. Perhaps if we read children's books more often we would remember it as adults, too.

On a quest for another great book,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Forgetting Something Good?

When I saw the Orchard Oriole at the bird feeder a few days ago I almost thought it was a robin, except it didn't look quite right -- head and back too dark, body too rust-colored. "What is that? I wondered. And then I asked my Main Man, "Did you see that bird?"

"It's not a robin," he replied. "Robins don't come to the bird feeder. They're carnivorous. They prefer worms."

Turning to our trusty Peterson Field Guide: Eastern Birds, I thumbed through the pages in search of a robin-like bird that wasn't a robin.

There I was happy to find an artist's rendition of a bird resembling the one I had seen on a page entitled "Orioles." I was surprised because the only orioles I have ever seen were a brilliant orange. Apparently the orange kind are known as Northern or "Baltimore" Orioles.

But perhaps even more surprising was a picture of a female Orchard Oriole. Rather than appearing as a duller version of her male counterpart (think female Cardinal), the female Orchard Oriole is a different color with completely different markings.

It was only then I realized I had seen the female orchard oriole at the bird feeder near our kitchen window at least a couple of times in the past week. I just thought she was an American Goldfinch.

True, goldfinches are considerably smaller, a brighter yellow and I've never seen one at our feeders, but because the two are similar in color, I thought they were one and the same.

Orioles migrate north in the spring and lucky birdwatchers can sometimes catch a glimpse of them at their birdfeeders during a brief period of time in April. I knew about migrating orioles; I just missed identifying the Orchard Oriole because I was expecting something different. This got me wondering about other things I might be missing as well.

For instance, last Friday I noticed we had jalapeno potato chips for the mid-afternoon break associated with an all-day training I was conducting. What's the connection? Only that our Office Manager, who made all the arrangements for the food that day, knows my favorite chips are the jalapeno ones. I don't allow myself to indulge in this guilty pleasure too often, but when I do--that's the kind I prefer.

When the day is long, when the work is piled high, and when the email stream multiplies by the minute, she seems to know and the jalapeno chips appear. The problem is that in the midst of my mayhem, it's easy to overlook this simple act of kindness and encouragement as insignificant. It occurs to me that I need to tell her I noticed and express my appreciation for this simple act of care and concern.

It's easy to get so caught up in our own drama and difficulties that we overlook, minimize or "forget something good". This must be especially easy in close or intimate relationships because the workbooks we use for "Hitched & Happy" actually have two pages with very small print devoted to lists of positive and affirming things our partner may be doing for us--things we are likely to overlook.

• Partner balanced the checkbook.
• Partner paid the bills on time.
• Partner shopped for groceries.
• Partner took the car in for routine maintenance.
• Partner helped feed the children.
• Partner taxied kids to their activities.
• Partner helped resolve an argument between the kids.
• Partner turned off the lights, turned down the heat, etc.
• Partner attended a family event with me.

There's a lot to think about with Spring cleaning, but one thing I don't want to forget is noticing all the good going on around me.

• Smiling faces of friends
• Dedicated coworkers and staff
• The love of my Main Man

As I'm digging through closets and sorting out personal habits, I want to be sure I'm looking for good things as well. I think we're all a little happier when we search for this kind of hidden treasure.






In pursuit of good things,

Dr. Jennifer Baker



What's Behind the Closet Door?

If you're going to get serious about spring cleaning, you have to think about your closets. I'm used to describing myself as a "recovering perfectionist," but I'll be honest, that's not always the case.

There are at least two or three closets in my house where "perfect" is not the word you would use when you opened the door. "Near perfect" is not even close.

Truth be told, they're pretty disorganized and chock-full of things I need to sort through, give away, or discard. How do I live with myself? Simple . . . I close the door.

 This is somewhat akin to what Dr. Dan Ariely terms the "fudge factor." According to Ariely, (who by the way has two PhDs -- one in cognitive psychology and another in business administration), the fudge factor refers to our human inclination to "cheat by only a little bit." This allows us to "benefit from cheating and still view ourselves as marvelous human beings" (p. 27).

 "Our behavior is driven by two opposing motivations. On one hand, we want to view ourselves as honest, honorable people. We want to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and feel good about ourselves (psychologists call this ego motivation). On the other hand, we want to benefit from cheating . . . " (p. 27).

To put it another way, I like to think of myself as a tidy person. When I walk through my house with the closet doors closed, I generally can. Open the doors to the closet in our office, the closet in the guest room or the closet in the storage area and you might have a different impression.

This woman, you might say, needs to do some serious purging.

And aren't we really all like that with some pet behaviors in our lives? If we're honest, I think most of us will admit there are some behaviors we know we need to change, but we've grown so accustomed to them that we just "close the door" on those actions and expect less of ourselves. It's hard to make the effort to do something different. I know because it's an ongoing challenge for me.

Image Management

When both you and your mate work for a church--as Paul and I once did, it's easy to become extremely adept at image management.

In some ways you come to believe that others expect this of you. This was certainly true for me. We had a good marriage and happy family, but we were far from perfect.

Thank goodness our children were determined to keep us real in the process.

When our daughter was in her early teens she occasionally slipped press releases under our bedroom door, threatening to distribute them to the Belvidere Daily Republican--our hometown newspaper at the time--so that they would know what kind of parents she really had.

At the time I found her statements mildly amusing to a point, but they were also a bit unnerving. Her father was the principal of a school associated with the church and I was in charge of family ministries. I wanted others to think of us as good parents and her revelations, while somewhat fictionalized, were not always flattering. Even if biased in her favor, they did contain some elements of truth I had to own.

Our son, too, found a number of ways to keep us on our toes.

His antics, though never serious or life-threatening, were enough to create embarrassment and amusement, depending on your perspective. I still remember the time he came home from college with leopard hair and I discouraged him from going to church with us.

Not my proudest moment, I know. Image management for sure. I'm trying to do better now by admitting it.

I have to confess that I am not now--nor have I ever been--as put-together as I want to be. I know it's not necessary, or even advisable, to share all one's failures, but along with tackling at least one of those cluttered closets, I'm going to try harder at being real.

Our children and grandchildren continue to help keep us honest and humble. They know we are far from perfect, but they love us anyway. It's hard to get that kind of acceptance unless you drop the pretense and let others see you--rough edges and all. Perhaps this is something to think about with spring cleaning.

Cleaning closets and admitting imperfections,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Spring Cleaning Inside and Out

The weatherman said it could snow on Monday, so hedging our bets against the promise of rain later in the day, my main squeeze and I decided to do a bit of garden work early Saturday morning. It’s that time of year when we can’t yet plant anything for fear of a late frost, but we still want to tidy up the grounds so that our bulbs and perennials are shown to their best advantage, and the soil is ready for planting annuals a few weeks hence.

Basically, we’re doing “spring cleaning” outside, but this past week I also noticed some cleaning that needed to be done inside as well, e.g., an over-stuffed closet or two I’ve just been shutting the door on for some time now, as opposed to dealing with the mess therein.

As we were working away in the backyard, it occurred to me that there are a number of parallels between the advantages of an annual spring cleaning in one’s garden and home to an annual examination of one’s thoughts, emotions and relationships.

I recently read The (Honest) Truth about Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone—Especially Ourselves by Dan Ariely, that caused me to think about the importance of an “internal cleaning” or self-examination as well.

Most of us like to think of ourselves as honest people, but it turns out that we’re often much more dishonest with ourselves and others than we imagine. In fact, the human tendency, as confirmed by numerous research studies, is to cheat just a little.

According to Ariely,  we seem to believe that “ . . . as long as we cheat by only a little bit, we can benefit from cheating and still view ourselves as marvelous human beings.”  The problem is that cheating a little (which most of us do) leads to cheating a lot for some. For instance, studies suggest those who embezzle start out by only removing a small amount of money they intend to pay back. Sadly, one undetected amount easily leads to another.

The money is not returned. Reasons for taking are rationalized. Only hundreds, thousands or millions of dollars later, does the offense come to light causing people to wonder how someone they thought they knew and trusted could have deceived them for such a long time.

A similar dynamic occurs with cheating in marriage. The initial flirting seems harmless and fun, but the consequences of stepping across one small boundary after another can be devastating. In my experience, few people set out to have an affair. Only weeks, months and even years later after layer upon layer of lies, is the awful truth revealed. When I’ve asked, “How did you give yourself permission to do something like this? Something you find so loathsome,” the answer is often, “I don’t know.” Because we are so often less-than-truthful with ourselves, we have a hard time seeing the danger of our choices. Perhaps we would do well to devote ourselves to a “personal spring cleaning” at least once or twice a year—or as those in Alcoholics Anonymous would say, “a searching and fearless moral inventory.”  If we did, maybe we could avoid some of the heartache we bring upon ourselves and others.

What might we discover with an annual “personal spring cleaning” or “soul-searching inventory?” We’d likely discover “weeds” or problems like this thistle. Left to grow on their own, thistles become a thorny mass, up to 10 feet in height, difficult to remove.

Early on, though, they’re identifiable, but small. In the moist soil of early spring, this one was easily removed from our yard before its sharp thorns pierced my skin or someone I care about.

The time has come to clean up the garden, air out the house, tidy up the closets, and sort through items to be donated or discarded. It also seems to be a good time to look “inside” as well, at the heart issues that might be standing in the way of a joyful living and more loving relationships. I hope you’ll accept the invitation to clean along with me.