When Bad Things Happen

For any number of reasons, this is a blog I didn't want to write, not the least of which is that I wish the horrible thing that happened in Springfield last Tuesday had never happened. The abduction and murder of an innocent 10-year-old girl by a man she didn't know is almost too horrible to comprehend. When it was later discovered that the accused was employed at a school within our district for 17 years, we were both shocked and horrified. Our feelings of safety and security were shattered. Many wondered if they would ever allow their young children to play outside again. 

Added to the feeling of helplessness was the fact that many of us were so aware of the unfolding drama. We heard the Amber alert go off shortly after 7:00 p.m. We watched the news unfold and became aware that the kidnapping had been witnessed by people who tried to intervene. (How often does that happen?) We were familiar with the neighborhoods where the events unfolded. Later that night we learned it wasn't good. The next day, folks all over the city went to work and school with heavy hearts and mixed emotions--sadness, confusion, fear, apprehension and anger. It was a difficult day.

In the days to follow I did two different interviews with news media, specifically focused on what we should tell our children. We don't want to give them nightmares, but how do we keep them safe? What do we do when something so senseless, evil and unpredictable occurs right in our midst? How do we help our kids cope when we are having trouble ourselves? We wonder how can we ever trust anyone again.

Sadly, this is not the first tragedy I've helped with. There have been other children and adults I know who have experienced the inexplicable. I've learned some things from my training and those experiences, but I certainly don't know everything. All the same, people I care about have asked that I write something this week that might be helpful. So, in the interest of contributing some small measure of comfort, I offer what I can here.

Encourage Compassion. I believe one of the best ways to handle our mixed emotions in a difficult time is to focus on compassion. How can we bring kindness and comfort to others? What small things might we do to ease their distress? I've heard about a number of ways people in our community are doing this and, when age-appropriate, I think it's also an excellent way to refocus our children's attention from the grizzly deed to showing love toward others. This story hits home because it literally happened in our backyard. There are many other dear children, equally precious to their parents, who die every day from gang violence in our cities or starvation and disease in other parts of the world. Helping children to connect the dots between this loss and the sadness in other parts of the world, helps them live beyond themselves. Perhaps you might also want to make a donation to World Vision or some other agency in remembrance of Hailey Owens. 

Emphasize Courage. A moderate amount of caution is critical to self-preservation, but too much fear is crippling and disabling. Having worked with worried and anxious people in therapy, I think the last thing we want to do is instill more fear in our children. Do we remind them about "stranger danger?" Of course! Do we review rules of personal safety? Certainly! But teach them to fear everyone they don't know and worry about a predator on every corner . . . absolutely not! Instead, we can help to focus their efforts on working toward making this a safer community for all of us, no matter where we live. You could ask the following: 

• "What would you do if you saw your friend doing something you thought was not safe?" 
• "What kinds of things do you think kids should know to be able to handle uncomfortable situations?" 
• "Who would you talk to if you saw something you thought might be dangerous at school, at home or in the neighborhood?"

 

Refocus Your Attention. There's something about a tragedy that causes many of us to become media-obsessed with every detail associated with the unfolding story. After 9-11 many people were glued to their televisions for hours and days. Today we include social media in the mix so that we have minute-to-minute updates on what is happening as well as the reactions of others to the event. 

Some of this is helpful; much is not. It's almost as if we think that if we could just understand it enough, if some little tidbit were to be revealed, if new details came to light then ... oh then ...we would understand. And, if we understood, perhaps we could prevent it or somehow turn back the clock. But, of course, that's not really possible. Having dealt with many grieving, still-in-shock people, I've seen this kind of thinking with some frequency. In some ways it's normal. We all have a strong need to feel in control, and when something uncontrollable occurs in our world, it's terrifying. It's as if we could bring meaning to our experience, then somehow we could feel safe again. Some of this processing is normal and necessary, but sooner rather than later--we need to turn our attention to other things. 

There is good going on in the world. The sun came up and brought warmer temperatures to us all this past week. The stars still twinkled in the dark night sky and the moon was beautiful. I experienced the love of family and friends. I was encouraged by the kind faces of people with whom I work. These things, and many others, bring joy to my everyday life. I don't want to miss these blessings. I don't want to be so focused on evil, that I miss the treasure of today. If I do, then the bad wins out over the good every time. My faith leads me to live with the knowledge that bad things do happen. Evil is present in our universe. At the same time, my faith teaches me that good is more powerful. It is greater than any darkness. This life is sometimes sad and troubled, but in the end, I believe that good will win.

Focusing on the good, 

Dr. Jennifer Baker

“Do You Wanna Eat It?”

“Do you wanna eat it?”

That’s what my husband heard when we drove through the McDonald’s and he ordered a Danish shortly after we moved to the Ozarks several years ago.

He looked at me and said, “What’s she talking about? Of course I want to eat it.”

I shook my head and laughed. “That’s not what she’s asking.” Even though we had lived in the northern U.S. for much of our married life to that point, I am a native of the Missouri Ozarks so I understood what she was saying.

“She wants to know if you want it heated,” I responded to my Michigan-born husband.

“Oh,” he said. “Sure, warm it up.”

I thought about this brief interaction when I was considering the problems many men have when they’re trying to figure out how to have a great relationship with a woman they love. They hear her deliver a message, but miss her meaning. They’re both speaking the same language, but what they understand the other to say and mean is often quite different. I know this because I’m a woman. I know this because I’m a wife. I know this because I’m a therapist who has spent the last 25 years working with couples, leading workshops and doing therapy. A lot is, as they say, “lost in translation.”

Just for fun, I thought I might take a stab at talking about relationships in language or analogies familiar to many men. Since I’m not a man and I don’t even play one on TV, I may not get everything just right. Feel free to offer feedback and expertise. At the same time, I did grow up on a farm and spent eight years in 4-H. I've lived in Springfield, Missouri--the home of Bass Pro and O'Reilly Auto Parts for almost 16 years. 

I have eaten lots of fresh fish and wild game provided by my dad who was an avid fisherman and hunter. I’m married to someone who might have been Tim-the-Toolman-Taylor’s little brother. With this foundation—and the fact that we moved into our present home partly because it had a much larger wood shop for my Main Man to putter around in—I’ll move forward.

In the coming weeks I’ll be aiming my comments at men, helping them think about things like how to find and keep a good woman, how to know what women think and want (at least part of the time), how to fix problems in your relationship, and how to keep your love strong for the long haul.

If you’re a woman reading this, I hope you’ll get feedback from a man you know and love as to the helpfulness of this “translation.” I'd appreciate the help. If you’re a man, I’d like to know what you think.

Bridging the gap,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

What Penguins Can Teach Us About Love

The period between February 7-14 has been celebrated as National Marriage Week for some time now. It's an effort to focus attention on the importance of healthy marriage to the well-being of adults, kids and communities. Individual couples may celebrate their independent wedding anniversary, but this national emphasis is about recognizing the importance of healthy marriage to all of us--married or unmarried. 

I was reminded of this recently while watching a documentary about Emperor Penguins in Antarctica. 

Did you know they are the only creature to spend their entire lives in that region--other species migrate away when the temperatures drop to a much as -112°in their winter. 
These creatures may look cute and cuddly in photographs and at the zoo, but they are truly masters of survival. 

How do they do it? That's where we humans need to take a few notes and apply what we've learned to our own lives.

First and foremost, penguins are monogamous. Once they mate, they stick with each other for the benefit of their chick. If they didn't the species would die out. Here's how it works.

The mother penguin carries the egg until it hatches. At that point, she is physically depleted so she heads for open water to feed and replenish her body fat while the father penguin takes over the care of the chick, carefully protecting it in a specially designed pouch. There he shelters the new chick, feeding and nurturing it from his own reserves while his mate is out to sea--literally--rebuilding herself.

At just the right moment, the mother penguin returns traveling up to three kilometers over frozen terrain to feed the chick from regurgitated fish. Her return is critical because by the time she gets back to her mate and their chick, the father is famished and has only enough strength to make his own journey to the sea for sustenance. 

Over the next few weeks, the mother and father penguin journey back and forth to feed the chick that is growing rapidly and demanding more food. Should either the mother or the father fail to return to help the other, their chick will die. That's all there is to it. Without both parents, a baby penguin has no chance at all. Working together against overwhelming odds in the harshest of circumstances, hundreds of thousands of penguins survive and thrive to continue their own kind.

But there's another thing about penguins that is so remarkable, namely, the way they live in communities and help each other. When the mother penguin is gone and the father penguin is protecting his offspring, the penguins huddle together in groups to combat the extreme wind and cold. The amazing thing is the way they share shelter with each other as the birds on the outside of the huddle gradually exchange places with the birds on the inside rotating out. All birds are allowed to share the warmth of each other, with each taking turns sheltering and being sheltered.

Why can't we be as smart as the Emperor penguin?

Sure, our children don't necessarily die if a father is not present in their lives, but many fail to flourish. As a mental health professional and the Director of a Community Mental Health Clinic, I can assure you that a child without both parents to care for him or her is at risk for a multitude of poor outcomes. This has been repeatedly confirmed by numerous studies from renown institutions and researchers. While it's true that some single parents do an exceptional job and we can point to talented and successful people raised by single parents, these are often the exception rather than the rule because it's much more difficult to go it alone. Study after study will tell you, taken as a group they simply don't do as well.

That's why we need to celebrate and recognize the one institution, marriage, primarily responsible for giving children a safe, secure and stable environment in which to grow up. We might also recognize the communities that support these kinds of healthy, committed relationships. Family Expectations in Oklahoma City, OK (www.familiesok.org) is one such organization. First Things First (www.firstthings.org) in Chattanooga, TN is another. Many faith communities can also make the same claim.

In the words of Lori Borgman , "From a child's perspective, there is something mysteriously empowering about a wedding picture in a frame sitting on a shelf, the occasional envelope that comes addressed to Mr. and Mrs. and that crazy snoring at the end of the hall. It makes a kid feel stronger, smarter and taller. Marriage creates a safety net, visible and invisible" (www.loriborgman.com).

Valentine's Day is this coming Friday. I hope you'll celebrate it in style with the one you love most, especially if you're married or intending to be. If you're not, I hope you'll send a special valentine to a couple you know who you see as a good example of all that committed love can mean to our kids and our communities. Maybe you could even find a card with a penguin on it.

Thinking warm thoughts about love and marriage,

Dr. Jennifer Baker

Experimenting with Cues

Coffee and a ___________

Pizza and _____________

Chips and _____________

How would you complete the phrases above? When you think of coffee, do you automatically pair it with a doughnut, a cookie or a cigarette? These are common things people associate with drinking a cup of coffee. How about pizza? Is it pizza and beer for you? Diet Coke? Pepsi? How about chips? Do you eat them plain or prefer a dip? 

Each of these common items typically serves as a powerful cue for another. . . . so much so that we often think we can't have one without the other. Something doesn't seem quite right. It's incomplete in some way. The first simply fails to satisfy without the second.

Last week I talked about how my arrival at home in the evening after a long day of work served as a cue for me to beeline to the freezer and help myself to a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream as a way of taking care of myself. The arrival home on Tuesday evening after several hours of providing therapy set in motion a series of steps leading to a heaping bowl of ice cream. I wasn't really all that hungry and I didn't need the extra calories, so it was important I learned to modify this routine to something more healthy. Since I discussed a couple of those options already, this week I thought I'd focus on ways to take command of "cues" for the purpose of promoting positive change.

Let's say you have a problem with procrastinating. You manage most things well, but in certain areas of your life where persistence or self-discipline is key, e.g., keeping the garage clean, working on your taxes, or bringing order to the paperwork in your office, you delay. For one reason or another, the task or activity before you is not your favorite and you often feel overwhelmed, so you delay action. Eventually, when you've passed too many deadlines, eliminated the option of another extension, or incurred the wrath of someone you care about, you forge ahead, complete the task and swear you'll never let things get this bad again . . . except that you usually do. Within months or a year or two, you find yourself right back where you started. . . . drowning in the dust, crashing in the clutter, moping in the mess. 

Your struggle is not at all unlike the yo-yo dieter who has gained and lost a couple hundred pounds, just never all at the same time. They swear they'll keep going, but after 10, 15, or 20 pounds they start slipping back to where they started and at times even regain more. The siren call of the old cues is simply too hard for them to resist.

What are we to do? Are we programmed as powerfully as Pavlov's dog who began salivating once a bell was rung, even if he was not fed? Are we a slave to our impulses? There's bad news here as well as good. Our brains are cunningly conditioned to respond to habit and routine even when those routines may not be all that helpful (that's the bad news). 

In their book, Switch: How to Change When Change is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath liken this phenomena to that of a rider on an elephant, explaining that our brain is "not of one mind" (p. 6).

Our will or intention may know and believe all the reasons we need to change, but that part of our brain is a lot like a rider on an elephant. The Rider stands for the thinking, reasoning part of our brain; the Elephant exemplifies our emotions and instincts. The Heath brothers note that the Rider is only able to make progress riding the Elephant in a particular direction if the Elephant doesn't want to go that way too. In short, although the Elephant may need the Rider to direct his behavior, his power can easily overwhelm what the Rider wants.

     "When change efforts fail, it's usually the Elephant's fault, since the kinds of change we want typically involve short-term sacrifices for long-term payoffs. . . Changes often fail because the Rider simply can't keep the Elephant on the road long enough to reach the destination" (p. 7).

The good news is that we can choose to set up a new path or routine. (Animals can't do that.) The Heath brothers refer to this as shaping or "scripting the path" (p. 18). This means that your thinking brain can choose or shape a path that makes it more likely your "emotions" (or elephant) will go where you want. 

So let's say that you know you need to lose weight, but you find it difficult to overcome the arriving-at-home munchies. You manage to stick with your eating plan all day long, but come 5:30 p.m. when you walk in the door tired, hungry and wondering what to fix for supper and you're a goner. More often than not you snack on chips, salted nuts or other calorie-laden snacks while you get dinner on the table. If you're truly going to shed the pounds, you know you're going to need to master that "elephant."

First, let's start with the cue. At the end of the day, you're likely hungry and tired. Your blood sugar is low and you're feeling the effects of a full day of work, all the time knowing that the demands of the evening still await you. It's almost inevitable you will not quell the hunger pangs and boost your energy the moment you hit the door. And after a long day, well, you figure you've earned it. But what if you tried something different? 

What if you put together a healthy snack and ate it in the car on the drive home? Or maybe you prepare it in the morning so it's waiting for you when you arrive.

What if you had some refreshing cold water to drink as you drove? Or maybe you could treat yourself to a glass of ice tea before you start cooking dinner. In either case you're still responding to the cue or emotion, but you are changing the routine to still satisfy your habit. If you're feeling the need to be nice to yourself before taking care of everyone else, you may decide to page through a magazine or watch a few minutes of television first. Of course, this is all easier if you don't have small children under feet and you have a mate who is willing to be helpful. All the same, changing the routine (or path) associated with the cue is essential. 

And then there's the possibility of using cues to spark new behavior. Let's say that you've made a New Year's resolution to join a fitness center. You've selected a place you feel comfortable that is not far from your workplace or home, and even made it to a class or workout a couple of times. The challenge is getting yourself there on a regular basis. I have that trouble, so I cue myself by packing my gym bag the night before and place it next to the door I will exit in the morning. Sometimes I even put it in the car. When everything I need is close at hand, I find it's a lot easier to take the last step of getting myself to the actual class on time.

Or suppose you want to tackle your out-of-control closets or messy work space. If you're like my Main Man and his "man cave," AKA the shop, sometimes it all just seems like too much. In cases like these, it's important to start small. Choose to clean up the clutter in just one drawer on one shelf. Or, set aside a small but specific amount of time each day (e.g., 20-30 minutes) and work on the task for only that long. Don't allow yourself to go beyond this or you will feel overwhelmed. Allow the time of day (e.g., at 7 p.m. almost every evening) to "cue" you to initiate your new routine (work in the shop or office). Stick to that new behavior for a period of 30 days and you'll be on your way to a new habit--one with the odds of bringing you much closer to the end you have in mind.

I confess I'm not where I want to be, but  I'm making progress. Nowadays, when I think about Monday's at 5 p.m., I also think about water aerobics and the friends I will see there. 

When I consider ways to be nice to myself, I more often think of my favorite tea than a cookie.

I've discovered that my "elephant" responds to a lot of positive cues, even ones not related to food. I bet yours will too.


Changing routines,

Dr. Jennifer Baker